High Strung Tsunami

What kind of day has today been? The title says it all. I woke up early this morning. I woke up a little bit last 7:00 AM. I was lying in my own bed, feeling slightly nervous about going. I wasn’t having second thoughts or anything, but there was still nervousness present. I felt like seawater. I was calm, but picking up turbulence. I managed to get up, fix myself some coffee, and I was able to soothe my nerves away. Then I hopped on the 8:30 bus. My appointment would start up an hour later, but I wanted to get moving right away.

I showed up, took a seat in the waiting room, and sure enough I met up with my assigned counselor, someone different from the last time I was there. The session went without a hitch. I left the room with my head still attached. I posted up a picture that said, “Keep calm. I’m not dead yet.” Showing off my gallows humor as usual. The ocean waves calm down…

I make my way to class. I stopped halfway when I realized that I left my textbook at the Cottages and thought, “Wait a sec….my homework wasn’t in there…riiiight?” I almost panic! I didn’t want to be forgetting a simple assignment on the first week of class. I looked in my binder. It wasn’t there. I was ready to hop on a bus and go get it if I had to. But then it turns out the homework was in my bag, just not the binder. I take a deep breath. The waves are calm again.

I check my email. The manager for the new house had sent messages. He said he wanted deposits and signatures by the days end. I hadn’t signed yet. My mom, the guarantor, hadn’t signed yet. Plus I hadn’t gotten the money I needed yet. I almost panic and call my Mom. She says, “Hijo. I’ll be stopping by the bank at 2:00 and you’ll get your money. Ask the manager to hold onto your check until Monday before he does anything. And don’t sign anything until you call me.”

The waves calm down. I emailed the manager and I let him know whats up. Class is about to start up. I’m glad I brought chocolate snacks with me. It would be like my xanax for the next 2 hours and 40 minutes. The manager does get back to me. And he’s cool. He’s really cool.

He says, “Hey Alex. Sure I’ll hold onto your check by Monday. I’ll resend you your lease if you don’t have it.” Mom lets me know that she’s made the deposit. I had told him that I’d hop back to the Cottages to grab my checkbook and would meet him back on campus so I could give it to him in person.

I make myself comfortable in the library. It’s 3:30. I’ve got my phone and mac with me. I’m killing time doing whatever. It’s almost 4:30 and I almost don’t hear from him. During that waiting time the waves are getting turbulent again. Finally I go on Facebook chat and I find his cell number. Instead of waiting for the guy to email me back I was gonna text him. I probably waited close to 20 minutes before getting a response. We set up a meeting spot. I signed the check and I handed it right to him. The leases would be resent to me and my Mom for us to sign individually.

The waves calm down. I go back to the Cottages. My bedroom door is locked and I’m pretty sure my keys were left in there. I call up the main office. There was a hiccup. Apparently the dumb blonde thought I said I needed the front door unlocked. I had to call back the main office and repeat, “BEDROOM DOOR. LOCKED. SEND SOMEONE. NOW.”

It had already been a long day and I really had to pee at that point so I was slightly irritated. The waves were turbulent, but I managed to calm down. Finally I got a call back from my Mom. My ringtone really caught me off guard.

Suddenly there’s a problem with the lease. Because of the move in and move out dates. Even though I already made myself clear that the manager said it’s possible to move in sooner and that I would have better luck finding a sublease for the house than I ever had for the Cottages of Boone. Because clearly no one wants to live at the Cottages unless they absolutely have no choice, like “Gun to your head, you have no choice.”

BUT that’s not good enough for my Mom. She keeps saying that the document should have the dates changed and that I did a sloppy job even though she knew I’ve done everything from finding this house, picking out the roommates, keeping in contact with the manager, asking questions like if it were possible to move in sooner, pump him for information, kept him updated on new roommates wanting to move in when previous choices kept backing out on me, and stayed on top of everything for weeks. AND YET….I still did a sloppy job in her eyes.

NOW the ocean waves are raging. I feel like I’m being blindsided. I feel like this is the part where the universe says, “Psych!! You can’t have this house! You can’t be happy!!”

I think I’m close to losing everything after coming so far. What my Mom said had me rattled. I text the manager a whole new bunch of questions. Even requesting a whole new updated lease. So now I have to wait for him to back to me AGAIN. Just when I thought that everything was over.

The phone rings again. My ringtone made my ears feel like they were exploding and made me nearly jump out of my skin. I tell my Mom that I’m waiting for his response. I’m on edge and it’s showing. She knows that I’m agitated. I tell her that today had been a long day, I was finally feeling good until she bombarded me with those questions and then called me sloppy. She half-heartedly apologizes and then asks, “I’m not signing for everyone in the house right?”

I rolled my eyes, I let out this loud huff, I want to smash my head against the wall and I yell, “NO!!! You’re just a guarantor! You’re just a back up in case I don’t pay my rent! Which you know never happens! And even if it did you would only pay for ME and not the whole FUCKING HOUSE!!”

The waves keep raging.

“Hijo! Calm down!!”

“NO!! I will not calm down!! You know I’m so close to getting that house!! You know how much I want it!!”

Still raging. Rising to new levels.

I say a few things and she says, “Ok! I’m signing right now! How do I sign….?”

Through clenched teeth I tell her, “IT’S DIGITAL…..”

The waves are crashing everywhere.

You can see everybody’s signature on the document. Mom says, “You haven’t signed yet.”

And now I’m really fed up, “Because you told me not to until AFTER I called you first!! I was listening to you, carajo!!”

“Si….you’re listening to me like you’re supposed to…”

“SIGN THE DAMN THING ALREADY!!!”

“Ok ok…I’m signing it now…”

We hang up. The deed is done. All parties have signed. It’s finally official. The phone rings AGAIN……

At this point I really FUCKING HATE that ringtone. It’s the manager. Yeah, NOW he gets back to me. Turns out he would’ve done as I asked. It would’ve started the whole process all over again. But he would’ve done it. He says that he’ll gladly talk to my parents if they have any other concerns. From now on I’m leaving it all to HIM…..

NO MAS MALDITAS PREGUNTAS, POR FAVOR!!!!!!

If I didn’t need counseling before I sure as hell do now.

A high strung tsunami. That’s what this whole day has been like. It’s 10:22 PM. How the actual fuck am I supposed to manage to salvage what’s left of this day? There’s not enough alcohol in this house to chill me out right now. There’s not enough alcohol….something I thought I’d never have to say while living at the Cottages.

I should be happy now. Shouldn’t I? I can barely bring myself to celebrate after working so hard to get that house. I have a problem with discounting positives, waiting for the worse case scenario, everything feels dulled and I’m too exhausted to celebrate.

I think there’s something behind this that I need to bring up during my next appointment. Something that I have noticed since before coming to Boone.

During the summertime of 2014 I was waiting to hear back from Appalachian State to see if I had been accepted or not. I had been rejected the year before. I had to pick myself from the ground after that. I remember I had rose colored glasses about everything behind the idea of living a life in Boone. I was on edge the entire summer. I was constantly at my wit’s end. I barely left the house. I wanted to be there when I got the letter in the mail. It was self-torture.

Finally it was September 8th. I still hadn’t heard anything. That was when my Mom and I found out about my Dad’s affair. I didn’t stumble upon this by accident. Mom found the evidence on his phone that he left at the house while he went out. My Mom came to me with the phone and said, “You’re going to help me and you’re not going to say no.” She dragged me into things, not giving me any other choice. Things changed for the worse. The world I knew at that point felt like it had been distorted.

Finally the day after I found out that I had been accepted. What should’ve been a happy moment for me was stolen from me. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be happy.

“I’m not allowed to be happy…”

That phrase came to mind when everything else went wrong. Mike’s betrayal, living in the Cottages, not being able to leave the Cottages when I wanted to so many times, not having actual friends to call my own in Boone, not being able to move on from those dark places in my life….

My cognition had been warped and I had convinced myself that happiness was a luxury I wasn’t allowed to have because it would be dulled or taken from me again in the same way.

Oh yeah….my counselor and I are going to have a ball with this one. I’m supposed to just try a new recipe for a short term goal, but now I’m coming back with THIS. Oh boy….

No take backs. This is my truth. I don’t know if it’s the root of all my problems. But it can’t go ignored.

10:46 PM….
I’m gonna go and try to salvage what’s left of this day. And if that doesn’t work then I will go nuts tomorrow.

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