So today did not entirely suck despite it being a singles Valentine’s Day for me. I woke up early and I had to argue with myself to get going to class. But I did it anyway. I had to meet up with the assistant dean of students and talk with him. Between now and last week I’ve already shared my struggles with five people. I feel like a broken record. It’s so much easier to write and share with people here because I know what sort of people are going to read thanks to the categories and tags. I don’t have to worry about the wrong person reading this that’s going to leave a nasty comment because it’s not written for that particular dumbass.
Having to talk with people face to face is a different hurdle for me. With a counselor, I don’t have a problem with that. Therapy usually helps when you actually speak. But to have to repeat myself again, vocally, and listening to myself talk about my tired ass issues makes me feel crazier, dumber, and more neurotic than I already think I am sometimes.
So I spoke with the assistant dean and he suggested that I sign paperwork for disability. I’m not thrilled about having to do it, but I said I was going to deal with my problems with everything I had. I need all the ammunition and help that I can get. If it requires me to swallow my pride and fill out an application in order to be accommodated then so be it. I don’t know how this is really supposed to work, but what I have got to lose at this point?
I have my own ideas on how to tackle this depression. But I know for a fact that I can’t put all my eggs in one basket with it. That’s why I’m willing to cooperate with the counseling and whatever the Dean tells me. If I believed that my methods alone were the best way to deal with this I’d never have to leave my room then.
I’m combining different methods of treatment. Tactile Sensory Therapy and meditation that I learned from last semester. Cognition Behavioral Therapy which allows me to identify the distortions that occur within my mind. I’m also learning new tricks that I can use as well.
I saw this and the idea that came from it really stuck to my mind. It’s helping me get more motivated. Even on days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I like points. I want to collect them. I took it a step further and added more things on my own list so that points rack up to exactly a 100. This increases my productivity. Every little bit helps right?
And of course there’s the use of my creativity. I call it Creative Spark Therapy. CST for short. Writing and creating is helping me. But the use of creativity doesn’t have to be limited to writing a story or creating a new wrestler. It could be creativity done in cooking, coloring pages, designing graphics, or playing with Photoshop.
I’m most likely going to come up with other inventive ways to combat my depression.
My mind is getting clearer. I’m digging down deep to find the strength that I need to follow through on things. And my “creation spark” is beginning to shine brighter than before. I’m going to come out on top. I’m tired of this depression kicking my ass and always feeling like I have no choice, but to just deal with it. It’s taken so much from me and I don’t want to lose to it anymore.
I’ve made my intentions known. The Universe will provide and I’m willing to go at things with maximum effort.
It’s time to call it a night.