Creation Spark Therapy

So today did not entirely suck despite it being a singles Valentine’s Day for me. I woke up early and I had to argue with myself to get going to class. But I did it anyway. I had to meet up with the assistant dean of students and talk with him. Between now and last week I’ve already shared my struggles with five people. I feel like a broken record. It’s so much easier to write and share with people here because I know what sort of people are going to read thanks to the categories and tags. I don’t have to worry about the wrong person reading this that’s going to leave a nasty comment because it’s not written for that particular dumbass.

Having to talk with people face to face is a different hurdle for me. With a counselor, I don’t have a problem with that. Therapy usually helps when you actually speak. But to have to repeat myself again, vocally, and listening to myself talk about my tired ass issues makes me feel crazier, dumber, and more neurotic than I already think I am sometimes.

So I spoke with the assistant dean and he suggested that I sign paperwork for disability. I’m not thrilled about having to do it, but I said I was going to deal with my problems with everything I had. I need all the ammunition and help that I can get. If it requires me to swallow my pride and fill out an application in order to be accommodated then so be it. I don’t know how this is really supposed to work, but what I have got to lose at this point?

I have my own ideas on how to tackle this depression. But I know for a fact that I can’t put all my eggs in one basket with it. That’s why I’m willing to cooperate with the counseling and whatever the Dean tells me. If I believed that my methods alone were the best way to deal with this I’d never have to leave my room then.

I’m combining different methods of treatment. Tactile Sensory Therapy and meditation that I learned from last semester. Cognition Behavioral Therapy which allows me to identify the distortions that occur within my mind. I’m also learning new tricks that I can use as well.

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I saw this and the idea that came from it really stuck to my mind. It’s helping me get more motivated. Even on days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I like points. I want to collect them. I took it a step further and added more things on my own list so that points rack up to exactly a 100. This increases my productivity. Every little bit helps right?

And of course there’s the use of my creativity. I call it Creative Spark Therapy. CST for short. Writing and creating is helping me. But the use of creativity doesn’t have to be limited to writing a story or creating a new wrestler. It could be creativity done in cooking, coloring pages, designing graphics, or playing with Photoshop.

I’m most likely going to come up with other inventive ways to combat my depression.

My mind is getting clearer. I’m digging down deep to find the strength that I need to follow through on things. And my “creation spark” is beginning to shine brighter than before. I’m going to come out on top. I’m tired of this depression kicking my ass and always feeling like I have no choice, but to just deal with it. It’s taken so much from me and I don’t want to lose to it anymore.

I’ve made my intentions known. The Universe will provide and I’m willing to go at things with maximum effort.

It’s time to call it a night.

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The On/Off Switch

It’s only Tuesday and I already feel like shit on toast. I just want to lay down, eat take out, make more wrestlers, and play Hollow Knight. My head’s been on a rollercoaster since last week. And the ride keeps stopping and going, stopping and going, and at different speeds.

Between the moment I made the decision to go back into counseling and the consultation I had last week I was feeling good. But then after that was over I felt everything suddenly take a sharp left turn.

I was fixing something to eat when one of my roommates grilled me about the cutting board not being washed. I hadn’t used it since four days before that and I know I cleaned it right after. But she didn’t believe me and the way she asked, “Are you sure?” sounded so condescending. I remember chopping up the vegetables really hard after that. Which begs an important question…is it really such a good idea to say something stupid or give attitude to someone when they’ve got sharp objects in their hands?

I finished cooking and I washed up the other cutting board that I had just used before retreating back into my room. I wasn’t just annoyed. I was pissed. More than the normal person should be over something like that. Then I tried to put it out of my mind, but I couldn’t. Suddenly everything was pissing me of. I couldn’t concentrate on an assignment that should’ve been a breeze for me.

I tried to sleep it off, but no. This bad feeling was still festering inside of me. It started off as irritability, but then there was that feeling of detachment and isolation that I tried so hard to get over last year. I felt like I was just dragging my feet around everything.

And when I had gotten back from classes I told my oldest friend, Ellison, about how my day went. I mentioned how I was going back into counseling in order to prevent my depression from getting bigger. I said to him, “I made the right call to go back when I did and now it feels like my inner demons are angry. They’re out for blood.”

That’s when El said to me, “Are you bipolar? Seriously? Have you ever been diagnosed?”

To answer that question, no I’ve never been diagnosed as bipolar. I was just describing to him what it felt like for me. Normally I would’ve shrugged off a comment like that without a problem, but the idea of it got stuck to my head. It latched onto me and I started to think, “what if I really am?”

It took everything I had in me to not go on WebMD or whatever to look up the symptoms of bipolar. But I ended up slipping and did it anyway. I even looked up tests for proper diagnosis and medications needed.

This idea latched onto me the next day. I was still dragging my feet and dreading at the possibility of it. And it started to make me analyze every little thing I’ve ever said or done in the last couple of years.

When the weekend hit I had to make it my mission to get it out of my head as much as possible. I did not want to think about it, I did not want to self-diagnose before counseling had actually started up, I was gonna keep myself distracted. And I did exactly that.

I went out. I ate some damn good ramen. I had coffee. I bought myself an adult coloring book to help with my nerves and did a few pages that night. I made a new wrestler named Fiona Grimm and she came out perfect.

I downloaded Steam on my Mac and bought Hollow Knight. I got started on another wrestler based off another one of my good friends, Garnet.

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He’s not in any way complete, but here’s what I got so far.

For the most part I felt good over the weekend. But there were still moments where I sank back into the negative. And this would keep repeating, over and over again.

I’m convinced that there is some annoying shit head kid that’s playing with my brain. Just messing with the wiring and tearing shit apart or playing with the switch that controls all my thoughts and emotions. Constantly off and on, off and on, off and on….

I was on total sensory overload today. Especially in my second class of the day. Girl crunching on her snacks nonstop, people behind me are chattering away about something stupid, someone slams their book shut real hard. It either made me want to jump out of my skin or raise hell.

I couldn’t wait to get back home. On the plus side I finally got my check. I’m not going hungry anymore. And I treated myself to some much needed retail therapy. Well sort of…it was more stuff that I actually needed more than stuff I wanted. Like a new antivirus. For some reason, Kaspersky has failed me entirely. My subscription went out months ago. So I try get a new one through Amazon. Every time I make an order my payment was declined. After trying numerous times I opted for an entirely different one, BitDefender. I love it already. I was infected with like twelve viruses and it got them out no problem. I’ve bought a bunch of Adobe software. It’s all going to up my creativity for sure. I’m getting a terabyte hard drive to help with all the excess stuff I’ve got on my Mac. I’m going ahead with my special plans on combatting my depression through my other creative methods as well.

I stand by what I’ve said before. I’m not giving in. Today was shitty. I have to pick myself up and keep going. That’s all that I can do.

Declaration of War

Oh boy oh boy. There is nothing that makes my life feel more complete than being able to experience anxiety and depression only to address it nonstop. How’s that for an opener?

I had written that I wasn’t depressed and that I was doing a lot better thanks to my creative binges. But now suddenly….

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Here’s a rundown on what’s been going on with me. My depression has been coming and going in these waves. Some waves are small and easy to power right through. But now those waves are growing and trying to swallow me whole. It’s just like last year. I felt this happening inside of me and I didn’t do anything about it until the summer semester, which was after so much damage had been done. My loyal followers from back then will know what I’m talking about. All you newbies, sucks to be you right now if you’re lost and confused.

My energy keeps waning, I’m losing the ability to concentrate, I have little food stored up in my house, and my bank account is in the negative while my refund check is taking FOREVER to process. I’m literally as hungry and irritated as all of Venezuela right now. If you don’t get the cultural reference, again it really sucks to be you. Consult Dr.Google to connect the dots.

I had already made the decision to go seek counseling again earlier this week. My Mom and my cousins are my motivation for wanting to get better and keep going. I’m not in my darkest place and I want to keep it that way. I want to go to keep a problem from getting bigger. I don’t want to go when I’m in another tight spot that I have to fight tooth-and-nail to get out of like I had to last summer. I told this to one of my professors when we met during office hours. She suggested that I go to the Dean of Students with this. And I did. I marched straight to his office right after and spoke with him. He set up an initial consult for me and I went yesterday.

Between that Monday night phone call with my Mom and the consult I was feeling fine. There was nothing negative going on. But when I got back to the house things changed. Flood gates burst open and now the Nightmares are back with a vengeance.

I’m getting triggered left and right by little things again. Sounds of footsteps, a dog’s barking, doors opening and closing. I can’t seem to handle being around people all of a sudden. I see someone smiling, couples holding hands, friends having a good time, not having a care in the world and it just fucking offends me.

I tried to go to bed early but my brain just wouldn’t turn off. My body felt hot. The hunger pains kept increasing. My thoughts were racing. Suddenly I can’t concentrate on my schoolwork nor my creativity.

I’ve always referred my depression as the “Nightmare Syndrome”. I’ve made the analogy that dealing with the negativity combined with daily living feels like fighting a bunch of monsters, referring to them as “Nightmares”. I can’t help but almost feel like they’re acting out because I opted to deal with the problem so soon. Like they’re trying to exact revenge upon me. Maybe even try to make me quit before I truly start up my sessions, continue my creative work, and finally finish things with school.

Anyone who’s been following me from the very beginning know where this is going right? I’m not backing down. I’m going through with things. Yeah, I’m already feeling cornered and trapped, but I know I can get out of it. I’m declaring war on my Nightmares. Whatever challenges come my way I will show no mercy. Anyone who stands in my way, says or does anything to make me feel shitty about myself or try to obstruct me in any way will be dealt with in the same way as those Nightmares.

I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m royally pissed off, but I have the greatest weapons, armor, and powers to fight back and win. And I’m not alone anymore! I know I’m not! I got my Mom, my cousins, my real friends, and a whole lot of characters living in my head that can help me!

So I’m going to counseling again, but I don’t see that as a failure or defeat. I need help and I went out of my way to ask for it. I don’t care how tough you think you are, but admitting to needing help and nutting up to ask for it requires a lot of strength and courage. I’m showing strength and courage by getting the jump on things before it becomes a Doomsday situation in my mind. That is all.

Consumed.

For the longest time I’ve always wanted to be able to write stories. From the time I was little I was always making these scenarios in my mind, not realizing that I was weaving stories in my own way. I was weaving stories in everything that I was doing. Scribbling down ideas on notebook paper, playing with my action figures, daydreaming how I could emulate the adventures I’d seen in films and books.

For a much longer time I prevented myself from truly embracing my creativity. Whenever someone insulted me or hated on my ideas I took it hard. Whenever someone said that being a writer wasn’t a “practical” career choice it dashed all my hopes and dreams of the future.

Everyone’s thoughts, opinions, comments, intentionally hateful or not, suppressed me. Then I started to buy into it. I suppressed myself with my own theories, my depression, and the like.

I refer to my imagination as the “creation spark”. And now I feel like my “spark” has grown to the point where it’s devoured me in body, mind, and soul. Lately whenever I get involved with something creative it feels like reality fades away. And not only that all the usual noise I’m used to getting from my depression and anxiety…it’s completely silenced.

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Whenever I’m creating something on my WWE game, time slips away from me. Nothing else matters. I don’t hear the disembodied voice that tells me I’m not good enough, never pretty enough to attract a suitor, or that I’m worthless. Even bigger thing to point out is that I’m not comparing myself to other creative minds anymore. I don’t feel anyone else towering over me. That, by itself, is one of the most liberating and empowering things I’ve ever felt.

I don’t care about anyone else’s work. Not even the ones I’ve always admired like Stan Lee, Tarantino, or any of the people I’ve known in my personal life. In my mind, I’ve already declared myself the best creator there is. I haven’t been limiting myself to this WWE game of course. I’m creating my own worlds, finding myself, learning new things, and it’s helping me make sense of everything in this reality that’s always warped my mind.

Somehow I’m becoming completely “Nightmare Proof”. My brain is getting re-wired in a way that overpowers all the depressing thoughts and feelings of anxiety. I feel a lot stronger. I feel like I’m my most authentic self right now. Things don’t worry me like they used to. And if there’s a problem I’m prepared to deal with it.

I’ve always referred to my depression as the “Nightmare Syndrome”. I’ve talked about how every experience feels like fighting monsters left and right. I think now this is the time where I have all the right armor, weapons, and skills needed to actually fight back against all of the things that have ever tried to destroy me; my depression, this unfair reality, and all the people that try to break me down.

I’m still getting the hang of things, but I’m going to see what happens from here and keep everyone posted.

Oh yeah. One more thing. I’m going to create a second site meant for fictional works that I’m willing to share. So for all the loyal followers that are interested, stay tuned and I will keep you updated.

The name of the site is Creation Spark Central. I will be sharing stuff like my fictional universe, my wrestling promotion, my own superheroes, my own everything. Show you what kind of acid trip imagination that I have. It’s not just to show off my writing skills, but also nurture my creativity so that I will never lose it again. I’m not trying to get published and become famous here. Writing and creating need to be fun first before they become a full time job after all.

I leave you with that. Signing off now!

Word Crazy. Stir Crazy.

It’s been about a minute since I last posted anything on here. I’ve been back in Boone for a week now. I have not spoken a single word at any of my roommates nor give them a single glance. I do not acknowledge their existence. That’s how I truly feel. It’s not just them, but everything else in this reality that I live in. I guess you can say that I’ve escaped into my fantasy world.

I’ve been slaving myself away at my WWE game creating more superstars for my promotion. I’ve even made my own arena and “shows”. I’ve uploaded them. I’ve shared them on the CAWS.WS forum. People are actually noticing my work and downloading them. Here’s a show case of my work.

Suddenly I feel like everything is giving me ideas. Not just for my fictional wrestling promotion, but for everything else. It’s like everything my senses pick up is making me get all tingly. I sometimes feel like my cells are bursting like lightning bolts. Even more so since I’ve returned.

Other than that, nothing terribly exciting or overly dramatic has occurred. I survived the cold weather. It’s now a nice, comfortable 56 degrees outside. That’s warm for Boone, NC for those that are wondering. I thought I’d be having multiple mental meltdowns by now, but nothing has happened. I thought I’d be fighting off more bad thoughts and feelings too, but I’ve had nothing of the sort.

I’m thinking about taking this creative binge of mine to the next level. I think I’m gonna showcase my fictional writing here. The stuff I don’t plan on publishing for fame and fortune anyway. Then again anything is possible. I might be able to open up a second blog here and on Tumblr. I’ll start from there and see what develops after that. Once I have something to share with everyone then I’ll let all my followers know.

Could this be another crazy idea of mine that I might never follow up on? Or try and fail? No way to find out except to go through with it. Besides it’ll be nice to share something else that doesn’t revolve around depression or life in Boone. Or life in a reality that I sometimes hate living in.

This is the part where my ticking bomb goes off.

Later days.

Detonations

This is a continuation of that little bomb I mentioned that’s inside of me. There was a lot of details I never got around to writing because my head went all kablooey on me. At first I felt something sitting at the pit of my stomach, but now I feel like there’s something that’s taken root inside of me. I feel it in the marrow of my bones.

This feeling isn’t anything negative at all. I think it’s something inside of me that’s been dormant until now. Somehow I’m tapping into it. It’s as if something is waking up inside of me. Another side of me that I’ve kept buried underneath everything.

As honest as I’ve been through my blogging, therapy, and everything else I’m beginning to think that I’ve put on a facade without realizing it. It’s like a mask is finally being ripped off and my true self is finally coming out to play. Up until now any semblance of my true thoughts and feelings have only come out in spurts. Much like my creativity.

That little burst in my last entry serves as a good example. Being an older student in a place like Boone means having to be surrounded by a bunch of younger people. Normally I wouldn’t let the age thing be an issue. If you’re cool then I’m cool. If we happen to like the same thing, awesome sauce. However it means having to deal with snowflakes on a daily basis. I can’t say or post shit without running the risk of offending anybody. I’m not even trying to offend anyone. I’m not trying to go to war with anyone. I’m just putting my shit out there.

Of course the snowflake thing isn’t exclusive to Boone. It’s everywhere. When I was younger and something offended me and I blew up about it I was told the following:

1.) “Aye hijo! Just ignore them!”
2.) “Get thicker skin man.”
3.) “Fuck them. Just do you.”
4.) “Brush that shit off and keep it moving.”

Despite my many flaws and depression I manage to do just that. If something hurts because of what someone says I embrace it, accept it, and move on.
Meanwhile everyone else has become oh-so-fragile. Everything is a slap in the face. I could blow a fart and they’d be blown all the way to Australia or whatever. And I’ve done nothing but be mindful of them at my own expense.

Now I’m not just talking about snowflakes. I’m talking about everybody that I’ve ever met. So many of them have operated under some double-standard bullshit. It’s okay for them to state their own thoughts, but then I get reamed whenever I even respectfully disagree. If there’s something I like someone has to shit on it but it’s not ever okay for me to do the same. It’s okay for people to insult, have a dark sense of humor, or being able to express themselves but it’s not okay for me. That’s all I’ve ever gotten out of people.

I thought I had gotten over the all the anger and hate that consumed me from long ago. But no…it’s still inside of me. And I don’t feel like fighting it anymore.

I am who I am. I like what I like. I can do and say whatever the hell I want and to hell with the consequences that come with it.

I don’t deal with slaps to the faces I deliver super kicks to the teeth.

The facade ends now. I’m ripping off this mask.

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And now my head’s getting all kablooey again. I’m ending things here.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

In the last few days I’ve had an uneasy feeling building up inside of me. At first I thought it was the usual anxiety, Nightmare Syndrome crap. But there’s something else underneath it all. While there’s bad stuff I feel something else. I think it might be something positive. I’m hoping it’s something positive. Maybe the best way to describe it is that it feels like there’s something powerful inside of me. It sitting at the pit of my stomach like a bomb waiting to go off.

Whatever it is I feel like it is overpowering the anxiety. I can hope that it’s something good. If not, then what else could it possibly be? If it’s killing off my “Nightmares” then how could it not be?

The stuff fueling the “dis-ease” comes from minor stuff anyhow. Like cutting it close to make the tuition payment. I know I’m not too late because I’ve been checking my student e-mail and there’s nothing unusual. Appalachian State may not be the most prestigious school, but they’d have alert me if something was up. I know this all too well from my past summer. See the post “Being Real” for a refresher.

The same type of shitty feelings from back then I was feeling. I was afraid like the Babadook or some other type of monster was going to appear, cut open my stomach, eat away at my innards, and leave no trace of meat left on my bones after spitting them out.

No e-mails that demand a meeting with Early Intervention Team, no notice on registration being cancelled, no financial or academic probation letters, and no warning to let me know that time is almost up. Nothing. So I should be comfortable knowing that I still have time. Right? Ideally yes. But there’s still something bugging me that I can’t quite put my finger on.

I talked to my Mom and cousin, Rebecca, about how nervous I feel about the future after graduation. I do still have that fear inside of me, but I don’t think that’s it either.

I’ve had nothing but time to get to know my Nightmare Syndrome and the things that make my brain switch between “Fight or Flight”. So whatever causing both the uneasiness, it’s something else entirely.

What’s caused this bomb to form inside of me, however, I can wager a guess. I had been meaning to write about this for awhile but I couldn’t find the proper words until now.

After my previous post from last week my moods kept shifting. I took some initiative and decided to cut some people out of my life. I’ve dramatically downsized my Facebook friend’s list. There were too many people that were there for decoration. Something that I thought had done something about after the Eclipse. But no, there were still a lot of people who never speak to me, never cared about me, and do nothing but heckle me. They had to go! I even deleted my roommates. I blocked everyone to really seal the deal.

I’m currently rummaging through other things that I no longer need. Basically it’s like I read through “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and ran with it. If something or someone doesn’t bring me joy anymore, it’s gotta go.

I’ve been creating a lot more things lately. Especially on my WWE game.

Made a lot of title belts. As you can see. Making an entire roster for my own fictional wrestling promotion and making other stuff too.

Of course I’ve also been doing the “look within yourself” type of stuff and realized a few things.

I’m sick of shit. I’m sick of other people’s shit. More so than usual. I’ve tried very hard to be mindful of people, their opinions, their way of live, their vices, their really shitty sense of humor, and overall put up with all manner of fuckery just to maintain some false sense of peace. At my own expense.

Well FUCK THAT. I’m not dealing with it anymore. All that’s done is tie me down! It’s kept me from showing everything that I can do! It’s caused me to say “I’m sorry” even when there is nothing that I should be apologizing for! And I’m done with it!

I deserve to be happy!!! I deserve to live as my true self without offering apology for shit that resulted in some stupid snowflakes getting their paper thin assholes hurt because of something I say or because I don’t agree with every fucking stupid thing that they stand for!!!

Oh boy….I’m losing it now…..

Has the bomb gone off inside of me? I dunno….

Might be a good idea to stop here because my thoughts are in a million puzzle pieces right now.

Um…later guys.