Nostalgic Boners and Toxic Fandoms

Warning: The following is an uber nerd rant that might go on for a long time. You’ve been warned. Now it’s time to get my geek on.

I joined up with some fan forums last night. Quite unlike me because I’ve done my best to avoid mingling with fandoms. I used to kick it with the nerd clique which I liked to call “Nerdcore” or “The Nerd Herd” because I figured it’s only natural to want to be around people with similar interests. Did we end up getting along? Yes for the most part. Were there conflicts based on individual tastes, thoughts, and opinions? Yuuuuuuup…..

There are some cancerous people in the nerd community. Straight up. I always end up running into them. It’s an inevitability. It’s a problem when they come in swarms like insects. It becomes an even bigger problem when it seems like you’re under constant attack for the things that you like.

I’m guilty of liking a lot of stuff that’s not popular with other people. Where do I begin?

The anime series, Blood-C. Not for everyone, especially if you’re the squeamish type. It had so much gore that it made Elfen Lied look like a Disney film by comparison. But it actually had a plot that played a good psychological example of Nature vs Nurture and combining it with the whole “Truman Show” scenario. Could it have been executed in a different way? Yes, absolutely. But I think people were so turned off because viewers just had zero patience and didn’t pay attention to what was happening in the episodes that built up toward the end. There were hints everywhere, clear as day. Plus during the last episode there’s a lot more information that’s dropped on everyone’s laps but people don’t get the whole picture. They don’t get the whole picture because they didn’t take the time to put all the puzzle pieces together.

I liked the Ghostbusters and Power Ranger movies that recently came out. Were they perfect? No, of course they’re not perfect. There’s no such thing as perfection. That’s an illusion that people use to set themselves up for disappointment. Are they gonna win any Oscars? I fucking doubt it. But they don’t deserve all the hate that they get from movie viewers and Rotten Tomatoes. The Ghostbusters backlash is purely sexist, nothing more than that. Was it better than the original films back in the 80’s? No, but it wasn’t a complete shit show. It wasn’t a total flop. It could’ve been so much worse than people make it out to be. The same thing with the Power Rangers movie. Rotten Tomatoes labeled it a “box office failure”. Who did the reviewing? Toxic fans who grew up into jaded cynical adults or jaded cynical adults that never watched the original show at all? I loved both those films. I walked out of the movie theater with no regrets and I didn’t feel like my childhood was shat on.

I like some of the more unpopular Final Fantasy titles. My first FF game was Final Fantasy 8 and I fucking loved playing it. It was the second RPG I ever played. That first walkthrough was memorable to me because there was so much trial and error from how I played it and it made the battles especially difficult. Both factors made it all the more gratifying when I finally did beat the game. Is FF8 the best title in the franchise? Does it have the most compelling characters? The biggest replay value? The most amazing plot? No to all of that. But I love FF8 for sentimental reasons. Plus at the time I was playing it I wasn’t looking for any of that in the first place and I didn’t know any of the stuff back then that I know now. So I didn’t label Squall as an emo. Or the romance with Rinoa as uninspired? And I’m not so nerdy that I try to dissect the plot and complain at everything like….”How do you compress time? That doesn’t seem so terrifying…”

Oh yeah and when I was reading the manga, “Claymore”, it pissed someone off so bad that they yelled at me, “That’s just a rip off of Berserk! No, it’s just Berserk with boobs!”

Do you see the pattern here? This is what I call “Pulling a Jon Joel”. Because there was this one asshole in the Nerd Herd circle named Jon Joel who would walk up to you, start up a conversation like so, “What anime/video games are you into?” You proceed to give him an answer and then he responds with, “That’s fucking bullshit! I can’t stand that stuff! I can’t stand those characters! The protagonist is a complete faggot and you’re a faggot for even liking that show!”

Because the whole point of Jon Joel conversing with you is to tear apart everything you love and talk about what he loves because no way he would ever pick a bad anything. He was the sort of extreme weeb who loved to hear the sound of his own voice, bask in the smell of his own shit, and had a butter face that even his own mother would love to throw a brick at. He’s just one of many people who I feel epitomizes that toxic fandom behavior.

Whatever happened with “To each his/her own”? Or common human decency for that matter. I joined up with these forums on some dumb whim and I see so much of that toxic fandom going on just skimming through the site. I almost want to rant in a forum about how the Ghostbusters or Power Rangers movie didn’t suck but I know it’s gonna attract people who will disagree. And the last thing that I want is to have to breathe in more poison than I’ve already have for most of my life.

See? Told ya I was gonna rant. Lately I’ve been indulging myself in a lot of things from my childhood. Nerdy things like Sailor Moon, reading fan fiction, playing retro playstation games, etc. It’s partly depression treatment, going back to my roots and reviving interests that were dying out. The other reason is that naturally they’re all creative fuel for me.

I’m trying to get more serious about my fiction writing. I don’t want to invite anyone else into this fold because past experience tells me that’s not a good idea. People won’t operate on the same wavelength as me and I need to be able to trust myself when I’m writing, especially if I have any chance of making a career out of it. Some of my creative projects are gonna be based off those nerdy nostalgic things that I love so much.

I find myself constantly making a lot of announcements for intentions, but here I go. It won’t be the last time I’ll be doing this. One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with while trying to write is constantly fearing that my ideas aren’t good enough or I’m always giving up on things before I ever truly give them a chance. This is a bad habit that I’m trying to get out of. There’s also the many other facets that come from wanting to write, but that’s the stuff for a whole other blog entry (although I’m fairly certain one of my older posts already covered that). I want to lead a depression free life which I believe can be achieved through writing. I want to write my stories without anymore fear, shame, or self-hate aimed at myself and I need to be comfortable in my own skin to do that. I need to be comfortable with myself by being real with my shit. (Being Real…oh look there’s another throwback to a previous post.)

My New Intentions
1. I want to enjoy the things that make me feel alive.
2. I want to better love myself without reservation.
3. I want to be able to voice my thoughts and opinions without fear.
4. I want to write for me and worry about all the other stuff later.
5. I want to complete at least one creative project before I end up finishing things at App State.
6. I want to break out of self-harming thoughts that have been tying me down.
7. I want to engage with people who aren’t so toxic and leave me to do my own thing without judgement.
8. I want to be comfortable with myself.
9. I want to go after everything that I want without fear in my heart.
10. I want to take better care of myself.
11. I want to live intentionally.
12. I want to forgive myself for never being good enough in the eyes of others or even to myself. Forgive myself for every little thing that I’ve perceived as a failure or defeat. Forgive myself for being different from others. Forgive myself from making progress at my own pace. Finally forgive myself for ever getting lost in life.

I’m done. Later days.

My Own Little World

I’ve been quite the reclusive writer as of late. An escape from reality for me was long overdue anyway. I found a bunch of old drafts and ideas that I had jotted down for the many stories that I never finished or barely started. I feel like I’m reconnecting with old friends whenever I read up on old characters and feeling like I’m reconnecting with my own self as well.

It was always my plan to get back to my writing roots and start back from scratch with my stories and other creative projects. When things in reality turn incredibly ugly like with what’s been happening after the Charlottesville incident and the like it makes it easier to escape. It makes me imagine a world that I’d rather be apart of and people I’d vastly prefer than the people I know.

Of course these escapes can only last for so long. There’s always something in my reality that’s always calling me back against my will; academic responsibilities, people who need me, the fact that I’m going to have my hands filled with other stuff like paying off bills and debts, finding a real job, being a normal functioning member of society….ya’know? All that good stuff.

I’ve been keeping my distance from other people in my life. Including friends I’ve had before I left for Boone. At first I didn’t want to have to deal with people and hear about how great their lives were when I was struggling for the longest time with everything. But now it’s the opposite. Some of them are having their own share of problems as well. If I were the same person I was three years ago then I’d take the time to listen, to help them unload their burden. But I’m not that person anymore. I’ve got problems of my own to worry about. The current state of the world sure doesn’t help either. I don’t need a constant reminder of how horrible things are with Trump in the White House, a bunch of Neo-Nazi shit heads looking to cause trouble, or whatever other issue of the week keeps going on; police brutality, ISIS, and the constant starvation and poverty in Venezuela where my family is from. I see all of this on my social media so I’m forced to disconnect.

The world as I know it now is a toxic place to live in for people like me that deal with depression and anxiety and for those that don’t. I don’t want to run away from reality because I know I have to learn to deal with it all. But I’m only one person with limited means of doing so and my patience can only last for so long.

Normally I’d be questioning myself and overthink things like, “Does this make me a bad person?” “Am I a coward?” Or something to that effect.

But I know that’s not the case. I’m making a choice based on self-preservation. If the world is toxic then it makes sense that someone doesn’t want to be exposed to it. And I genuinely don’t care if anyone disagrees with me on this. This is for me, not for them. Besides even if I wan’t to do something to change the world on an epic scale I can’t do that when I’m not even 100% in the clear with my own issues.

All I have is myself, my writing, and an imagination that’s the closest thing I have to a cure-all. I used to believe that indulging myself in my writing consistently meant that I was just running away from everything; the state of the world, the things that fuel my depression, being single and lonely, drowning in crippling debt, and overall things not going my way. But that doesn’t have to be the case. Losing myself in my own world could be beneficial. I’m not just talking about getting a head start on my writing career. But perhaps in writing I’ll find answers to questions about myself that have bothered me for the longest time and learn how to better understand the reality I live in and better cope with the things that challenge me. That’s what I believe anyway.

In my own little world there are things that come straight from the fantasy novels. Monsters, sorcery, giant mechs, superheroes, etc etc. Sometimes I think a world where these things are included automatically mean I’d be living in a better reality. At least then things would make more sense. There’d be heroes fighting the good fight against the villains and make them pay for their crimes. I wouldn’t be struggling to figure what’s truly right or wrong. I’d know which side to fight on.

In my own little world people are not judged on their religion, their gender, who they’re attracted to, the color of their skin, the languages they speak, or whatever interests they have. People are not defined by their struggles or anything else that makes them feel like dirt about themselves. People are defined by their desires and the actions that they take to make those desires into reality.

People wouldn’t have to struggle over things like money, food, medicine, education, and if anyone or anything gets in the way of these things then they’d go down.

In my own little world that I’m trying to make into a reality…
I’m happy with a man that I love and want to spend the rest of my days with. I’m successful in my career as a writer. I live in a beautiful home. I’ve graduated from App State. I’m depression-free.

Thats all got to say tonight. Later.

Maximum Effort!!

I swear some assignments are given as a form of torture. One of my current projects involve making a geometric cone out of paper. There are instructions on how to do that. In the real world where normal people rule supreme something like this shouldn’t be a problem, right? It shouldn’t produce a bead of sweat, right? Ideally, yes. But for someone like me who turns into a feeble, crippled, nervous wreck when they so much as a see an text alert about the power bill, don’t have enough rice to cook with, or get a phone call from their mom of all people…..you see where I’m going with this?

This is for my math class too. Which begs a question….when in the hell am I ever going to need this stuff in my life? I want to make a career in writing, no number crunching whatsoever! The only real math I’ll ever need is basic addition and subtraction. Like, “how much do I need to pay for my electric bill?” “how much shopping off Amazon can I afford to treat myself to?” “how many slices of pizza can I eat in one sitting? how many leftover slices do I want to save for tomorrow?”

THAT’S ALL.

Again, I really hope that the grade comes down to effort that’s put into it. Cause like I said before everyone in class is absolutely clueless about what to do. Okay my nerves are dropping from an 11 to something manageable now. I should be able to manage something. It’s going to be a crap job for sure though, but right now all I care about is getting it done.

My current academic problems combined with everyday stress, hemorrhaging my finances, nonexistent love life, and my oh-so-lovely-not-at-all-debilitating-depression has naturally put me in a very foul mood.

I just want to sit down and write fiction! That’s all I’ve ever wanted! I have had little to no time for myself to do anything like it. I got ideas occupying space in my mind like an episode of Hoarders, but I can’t sit down and take the time to put it down on paper because there’s always something that’s in my way. School is my biggest obstruction right now which is funny because the whole point of me going to school in the first place is so I could have a better life for myself. I can blog all day till my heart is content, I could write my most secret of secrets in my little black journals describing what hot dream I had of Charlie Hunnam, but when it comes to writing down fictional characters on fictional adventures fighting a bunch of fictional villains and monsters…..now it’s a problem!

With all that does go in my head there’s plenty of stuff that I can use for my characters to deal with. But now I can’t even make any new characters. I’ve gotten out of touch with my old characters too. I don’t know what makes them tick anymore, what their motivations are, or hell even what their favorite meal is.

I don’t take the time to really do anything for myself other than cooking, gaming, and sleeping. But even when I am doing this stuff there’s always something hanging over my head like, “Am I going to pass this class?” “Will I ever graduate?” “Will I be fortunate enough to score a day job?” “How am I ever going to pay off my student loan debts….?”

Okay….here’s what I’m going to do next.

I’m going to stop ranting and whining.
I’m going to do the stupid projects in the best way I can.
I’m going to pay my power bill.
I’m going to treat myself to some fried chicken or a hamburger steak or something.
I’m going to make it through this last week.
I’m going to pay my tuition…somehow….
I’m going back home for much needed R&R.
I’m going to go buy the new Power Rangers movie on Blu-Ray and probably watch it until I’ve got every line memorized or until I have the strong desire to write some fan fiction.
I’m coming back to keep the positive momentum when the second summer session starts up and then I’m going to move the fuck out of the Cottages of Boone.

Whatever depression and anxiety I feel between now and then I’m just going to power through it and get whatever peace of mind I can have. Yeah I made the choice to get medicated, but even so I know there are gonna be times where I have to bite the bullet and push through.

So here I go with MAXIMUM EFFORT!!

High Strung Tsunami

What kind of day has today been? The title says it all. I woke up early this morning. I woke up a little bit last 7:00 AM. I was lying in my own bed, feeling slightly nervous about going. I wasn’t having second thoughts or anything, but there was still nervousness present. I felt like seawater. I was calm, but picking up turbulence. I managed to get up, fix myself some coffee, and I was able to soothe my nerves away. Then I hopped on the 8:30 bus. My appointment would start up an hour later, but I wanted to get moving right away.

I showed up, took a seat in the waiting room, and sure enough I met up with my assigned counselor, someone different from the last time I was there. The session went without a hitch. I left the room with my head still attached. I posted up a picture that said, “Keep calm. I’m not dead yet.” Showing off my gallows humor as usual. The ocean waves calm down…

I make my way to class. I stopped halfway when I realized that I left my textbook at the Cottages and thought, “Wait a sec….my homework wasn’t in there…riiiight?” I almost panic! I didn’t want to be forgetting a simple assignment on the first week of class. I looked in my binder. It wasn’t there. I was ready to hop on a bus and go get it if I had to. But then it turns out the homework was in my bag, just not the binder. I take a deep breath. The waves are calm again.

I check my email. The manager for the new house had sent messages. He said he wanted deposits and signatures by the days end. I hadn’t signed yet. My mom, the guarantor, hadn’t signed yet. Plus I hadn’t gotten the money I needed yet. I almost panic and call my Mom. She says, “Hijo. I’ll be stopping by the bank at 2:00 and you’ll get your money. Ask the manager to hold onto your check until Monday before he does anything. And don’t sign anything until you call me.”

The waves calm down. I emailed the manager and I let him know whats up. Class is about to start up. I’m glad I brought chocolate snacks with me. It would be like my xanax for the next 2 hours and 40 minutes. The manager does get back to me. And he’s cool. He’s really cool.

He says, “Hey Alex. Sure I’ll hold onto your check by Monday. I’ll resend you your lease if you don’t have it.” Mom lets me know that she’s made the deposit. I had told him that I’d hop back to the Cottages to grab my checkbook and would meet him back on campus so I could give it to him in person.

I make myself comfortable in the library. It’s 3:30. I’ve got my phone and mac with me. I’m killing time doing whatever. It’s almost 4:30 and I almost don’t hear from him. During that waiting time the waves are getting turbulent again. Finally I go on Facebook chat and I find his cell number. Instead of waiting for the guy to email me back I was gonna text him. I probably waited close to 20 minutes before getting a response. We set up a meeting spot. I signed the check and I handed it right to him. The leases would be resent to me and my Mom for us to sign individually.

The waves calm down. I go back to the Cottages. My bedroom door is locked and I’m pretty sure my keys were left in there. I call up the main office. There was a hiccup. Apparently the dumb blonde thought I said I needed the front door unlocked. I had to call back the main office and repeat, “BEDROOM DOOR. LOCKED. SEND SOMEONE. NOW.”

It had already been a long day and I really had to pee at that point so I was slightly irritated. The waves were turbulent, but I managed to calm down. Finally I got a call back from my Mom. My ringtone really caught me off guard.

Suddenly there’s a problem with the lease. Because of the move in and move out dates. Even though I already made myself clear that the manager said it’s possible to move in sooner and that I would have better luck finding a sublease for the house than I ever had for the Cottages of Boone. Because clearly no one wants to live at the Cottages unless they absolutely have no choice, like “Gun to your head, you have no choice.”

BUT that’s not good enough for my Mom. She keeps saying that the document should have the dates changed and that I did a sloppy job even though she knew I’ve done everything from finding this house, picking out the roommates, keeping in contact with the manager, asking questions like if it were possible to move in sooner, pump him for information, kept him updated on new roommates wanting to move in when previous choices kept backing out on me, and stayed on top of everything for weeks. AND YET….I still did a sloppy job in her eyes.

NOW the ocean waves are raging. I feel like I’m being blindsided. I feel like this is the part where the universe says, “Psych!! You can’t have this house! You can’t be happy!!”

I think I’m close to losing everything after coming so far. What my Mom said had me rattled. I text the manager a whole new bunch of questions. Even requesting a whole new updated lease. So now I have to wait for him to back to me AGAIN. Just when I thought that everything was over.

The phone rings again. My ringtone made my ears feel like they were exploding and made me nearly jump out of my skin. I tell my Mom that I’m waiting for his response. I’m on edge and it’s showing. She knows that I’m agitated. I tell her that today had been a long day, I was finally feeling good until she bombarded me with those questions and then called me sloppy. She half-heartedly apologizes and then asks, “I’m not signing for everyone in the house right?”

I rolled my eyes, I let out this loud huff, I want to smash my head against the wall and I yell, “NO!!! You’re just a guarantor! You’re just a back up in case I don’t pay my rent! Which you know never happens! And even if it did you would only pay for ME and not the whole FUCKING HOUSE!!”

The waves keep raging.

“Hijo! Calm down!!”

“NO!! I will not calm down!! You know I’m so close to getting that house!! You know how much I want it!!”

Still raging. Rising to new levels.

I say a few things and she says, “Ok! I’m signing right now! How do I sign….?”

Through clenched teeth I tell her, “IT’S DIGITAL…..”

The waves are crashing everywhere.

You can see everybody’s signature on the document. Mom says, “You haven’t signed yet.”

And now I’m really fed up, “Because you told me not to until AFTER I called you first!! I was listening to you, carajo!!”

“Si….you’re listening to me like you’re supposed to…”

“SIGN THE DAMN THING ALREADY!!!”

“Ok ok…I’m signing it now…”

We hang up. The deed is done. All parties have signed. It’s finally official. The phone rings AGAIN……

At this point I really FUCKING HATE that ringtone. It’s the manager. Yeah, NOW he gets back to me. Turns out he would’ve done as I asked. It would’ve started the whole process all over again. But he would’ve done it. He says that he’ll gladly talk to my parents if they have any other concerns. From now on I’m leaving it all to HIM…..

NO MAS MALDITAS PREGUNTAS, POR FAVOR!!!!!!

If I didn’t need counseling before I sure as hell do now.

A high strung tsunami. That’s what this whole day has been like. It’s 10:22 PM. How the actual fuck am I supposed to manage to salvage what’s left of this day? There’s not enough alcohol in this house to chill me out right now. There’s not enough alcohol….something I thought I’d never have to say while living at the Cottages.

I should be happy now. Shouldn’t I? I can barely bring myself to celebrate after working so hard to get that house. I have a problem with discounting positives, waiting for the worse case scenario, everything feels dulled and I’m too exhausted to celebrate.

I think there’s something behind this that I need to bring up during my next appointment. Something that I have noticed since before coming to Boone.

During the summertime of 2014 I was waiting to hear back from Appalachian State to see if I had been accepted or not. I had been rejected the year before. I had to pick myself from the ground after that. I remember I had rose colored glasses about everything behind the idea of living a life in Boone. I was on edge the entire summer. I was constantly at my wit’s end. I barely left the house. I wanted to be there when I got the letter in the mail. It was self-torture.

Finally it was September 8th. I still hadn’t heard anything. That was when my Mom and I found out about my Dad’s affair. I didn’t stumble upon this by accident. Mom found the evidence on his phone that he left at the house while he went out. My Mom came to me with the phone and said, “You’re going to help me and you’re not going to say no.” She dragged me into things, not giving me any other choice. Things changed for the worse. The world I knew at that point felt like it had been distorted.

Finally the day after I found out that I had been accepted. What should’ve been a happy moment for me was stolen from me. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be happy.

“I’m not allowed to be happy…”

That phrase came to mind when everything else went wrong. Mike’s betrayal, living in the Cottages, not being able to leave the Cottages when I wanted to so many times, not having actual friends to call my own in Boone, not being able to move on from those dark places in my life….

My cognition had been warped and I had convinced myself that happiness was a luxury I wasn’t allowed to have because it would be dulled or taken from me again in the same way.

Oh yeah….my counselor and I are going to have a ball with this one. I’m supposed to just try a new recipe for a short term goal, but now I’m coming back with THIS. Oh boy….

No take backs. This is my truth. I don’t know if it’s the root of all my problems. But it can’t go ignored.

10:46 PM….
I’m gonna go and try to salvage what’s left of this day. And if that doesn’t work then I will go nuts tomorrow.

The Cottages of Boone

I truly hope that when I get back to Boone that I will have the apartment all to myself. If I’m forced to ride out what’s left of my lease then I want to do so in peace. The last thing I want is to deal with anyone over there. I’ve already got my hands full with everything else going on. I don’t want to waste any time and energy on some Mickey Mouse bullshit that comes with roommates.

Since day one at the Cottages it’s been one thing after another. I don’t know if it’s just my place or the entire property. I swear though my place needs a blessing, a cleansing, an exorcism, SOMETHING. But then again there’s probably not enough sage and holy water in the world to help with that. I’ve seen and heard so much ratchetry it’s not even funny.

Of course the original plan was to move in with my ex-best friend Mike after my first semester was up. But then that didn’t happen. My living situation was shit, but the last thing that I needed at the time was to live with someone who I felt no longer cared about me. He had gotten so superficial. He sold out, big time.

When I first got there I was already introduced to my first roommate ever. His name was Val. The whole time I was living with him he was perpetually baked. He constantly reeked of drugs and all types of bullshit. And my parents had to see and smell him too. He rolled up and lit a joint in front of my Mom. Instantly he got put on my shit list. I hated his smell, I hated hearing him speak, I hated the mess he always left behind. I hated hearing him rap too. He was your typical white boy who was riding the coat tails of life on his rich doctor daddy’s money. I felt like the only time I could even breathe in that house was when he wasn’t around. There were times when I wanted nothing more but to take that tall glass bong, smash it across his head, then stab him in the neck with the jagged edges.

Then there’s Matt. I figured he was the typical jock. The day before classes started I went to sleep and I heard talking in the living room. He was there talking with friends. Then I heard something slam against my door. One of his friends had thrown something. They didn’t know that I was in my room, trying to sleep. So I let my presence be known and everyone was like, “Oh shit!! Sorry man!” There was Matt, accept he introduced himself as Aaron. Me, half asleep and visually impaired, bought into that. Matt was nice enough at first. But I didn’t really connect with him on a lot of things until after he had left. When he was living at the Cottages there was beef between him and Val that had been going on long before I ever came into the picture. There’s a lot to their story that I never quite understood. But we both hated Val, that was all I needed to know. Matt might have been a total jock, but at least he tried to be nice to me. We didn’t have that much in common, but at least he was up for cleaning. Albeit, sporadically. Which is more than I can say about anyone else at the time. Val walked out on his lease thanks to Matt. That was one of the few highlights of that semester.

Andre and Sarah. Sarah was nice enough. She at least had the common decency to say, “Hi. How are you doing?” or “Hey! What are you watching?” or “What are you cooking? It smells good!” The only thing I got to say is, what the fuck did she even see in a guy like Andre? I’ve taken shits that have more personality than that guy. Plus he wasn’t very bright. Everything was a mystery to this guy. I just bought a Wii U and he goes, “What’s that…?” I explained to him and then he says, “Is it a Playstation?” I bite my tongue and just say, “Sure…..” Even though I want to say, “What? Were your parents first cousins?” He was always going out and never helped around the house even though at one point he did all the cooking. He would always leave his cooked rice on the stovetop and let it get solid as a rock. He left a lot of other food out to rot too. I remember there was this lasagna in a glass pan that had been on the counter for the longest time. One day I was cleaning in the kitchen and I removed the aluminum covering it. It was pure nasty. It was crusty, moldy, and fuzzy all at the same time. So I threw it out. Of course I had to chisel that shit out of the pan first. Fucking ridiculous. How can someone be so lazy and forgetful to finish off food? I can’t forgive that.

Then there was Aaron. For a while he seemed like the only decent person there. He seemed normal. But that turned out to be a complete lie. During an incident that involved Matt and Val’s personal drama we were all in the kitchen until like 3:00 AM. Matt was really upset, I saw him crying, he ran up the stairs to go to his room. I was feeling for Matt at that moment and I told Aaron, “Oh man, he’s just racked with guilt right now.” And then Aaron said, “Good! I fucking hate that guy!” My issue with this is that I always saw Aaron go out with Matt and the others for drinks like they were the best of friends and then to hear him say that made me see how two-faced he really was. Aaron was the type of guy who acted nice to your face, but when you’re not around he talked mad shit. And if he did that with Matt than chances are he did that with everyone else too, myself included. Oh but he was still so popular with everyone. The only reason I imagine why is that he had some beer flavored cock that was ten inches long that everyone took turns to suck and ride on when he wasn’t pile driving a chick-of-the-week. Fast forward to Aaron’s last semester, he hooked up with a girl who was living next-door to us, Angie. Those two together….they had no volume control. At all. If Aaron wasn’t already the world’s most pathetic sex addict before he had solidified that status when Angie came into the picture. I could always hear them. They were always having the most obnoxiously loud rabbit sex at all hours of day and night. This bitch was loud no matter what. Whenever she spoke, laughed, cried, fucked, climaxed…get her a muzzle. It didn’t help that she always barged into the house like some spoiled little princess. I never glanced her or said more than two words to her. My instinct was to always look away from her and Aaron as if they were Gorgons or whatever. Her face is a blur in my mind and I’d prefer to keep it that way. Then when their relationship became volatile and toxic the whole house had to hear it. When they finally broke up I took it as a gift from the Universe at that time.

After Aaron came Brandon to take his old room. I liked Brandon. He was cool. He was the first person I could speak with openly in that house. We sat through One Piece and Black Butler together. He helped me a lot when it came to cleaning the kitchen. He was a drug user, but after everything I had seen up to that point, nothing surprised me anymore. It sucked coming back to the house to find out he subleased his room. Last time I saw him he was sporting some porn-stache and wearing some shirt that made him look like a drug lord off Miami Vice.

Trevor was all right. I didn’t like it when he and his friends were doing lines of coke in the house, but at least he was decent to me, gave me a ride to the grocery store when I needed it. He liked my cooking too. I let him have some. And we hated the same people living with us. He’s a marine with PTSD. There were nights when he acted up. Always pounding holes into the walls in his room. It was like having a cyclone ravaging through upstairs.

Jesus was…meh. He wasn’t rude to me or anything. But we just didn’t vibe. We both like anime, but our discussions were always brief. He was a decent cook too. When he moved in I was getting started on cooking. I was making stuff that he wasn’t, but even then our discussions were always brief. Some people have walls built up around them. With Jesus, however, there weren’t walls. No, he had an armed fortress. Getting close to this guy was like trying to push a cadillac up a steep hill….with a rope. I honestly could never get a good reading on that guy. I have no clue if he ever liked me in even the smallest bit. I still see him hanging around the Cottages and campus from time to time. But we don’t talk.

Then there was Javar and his free loading cousin Ky. These fuckers….They were always hovering over me when I was cooking, asking, “What’cha making? What’cha making? Can I have some?! Can I have some?!” You’d think these idiots had never seen anything that didn’t come from a fucking happy meal box. They were always inviting clusters of people to come into the house and throwing these stupid parties. Ky even brought his baby son on weekends to the place. Not to mention he treated his girlfriend like total shit. I had to hear them fight too. They were always making so much noise at the most random hours too. I bought noise canceling ear plugs to drown them out. Thankfully they worked. These two were the ones responsible for thefts going around in the neighborhood. I came back late from classes to find cops sweeping the place. Ky was arrested, Javar was evicted the very next day. It’s been deathly quiet ever since. No one’s come over to take that room since. Watch me score another dud to occupy the space though.

The guys I’ve got now are just so bland on every conceivable level. Now it’s just a bunch of little things that piss me off about them. Always hearing footsteps thundering up and down the stairs, the doors opening and closing every 8 seconds, the dishes piling up in the sink, but are never cleaned. And always being ignored without a second thought. As if they’re so busy. Doing what? Unless they’re all trying to research a cure for cancer or working to get Trump impeached from office I don’t see them doing anything productive with their time or their consumer driven lives.

The Cottages of Boone sold me some bullshit about how they’re so great at matching people up for comfortable living situations and have affordable units. They make it sound like such a nice place to live. It’s a prison. Anyone here watch Golden Girls? Remember Sophia Petrello? The Cottages of Boone are my Shady Pines. There’s always something going on at the Cottages. There’s drug deals all around, parties that get out of control, cops always patrolling the place, and does the management do anything? No, the management sucks. They’re about as useful as a windshield wiper is to a goat’s ass.

I gave this place almost three years of my life. You can’t say that I didn’t give it a shot. I had to endure living there while going through some of the darkest times of my life. I’ve had enough. I shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable with anything or anyone in a place where I’m sleeping. I will be so happy when I say good-bye to it. My lease runs out in late July. I’m not gonna try to make the time I have there be positive, all sugar and rainbows. I just want to be able to sleep and cook in peace. Maybe actually get some studying and writing done while I’m there. I’ll make the most of it that I possibly can. Though I’m sure that place will fall completely to Hell without me to clean the kitchen or pay the electricity. When I move to the new house I don’t want to be there with the same cynicism, malice, or mistrust that I have for the Cottages. In the meantime, it is what it is. This is the hand that’s been dealt to me so now I have to play it.

My Happy List

I’ve been “that guy” who talks nonstop about depression and anxiety and the things that trigger it to put me on edge. I need to take the time to get out of the darkness. I’m playing out some music that I haven’t listened to in a long time. It’s gotten me feeling all nostalgic and shit. Then I re-watched this video on HartBeat’s YouTube channel (I highly suggest subscribing) where she lists all things that make her happy. So I thought it a good idea to do the same thing. This really needs no further explanation so here I go!

There will be a crap ton of photos. Not sorry for that.

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This is Jewels. She was my best friend and hands down the coolest dog in the world ever. She wasn’t my dog. I took care of her when her owners were traveling. My Mom got me the gig. I was like “What are you, nuts?! I don’t know anything about dogs! Let alone taking care of them!” My Mom said she’d help out and that the dog sitting money would go straight to me. Then I met her and it was love at first sight. She was the sweetest thing ever. And she was so well behaved too. She didn’t bark or jump up on any furniture and she listened to me as if I were her owner. I took care of her for a huge part of the summer in 2012. It was one of the best times I ever had. Taking care of her was always a joy. Especially during Christmas time. She wasn’t mine, but I loved her like she were my own and she loved me back in return. She was a better friend than anyone I had ever known. Jewels died from cancer back in February. But I have nothing but the most beautiful memories of her. Sometimes I can still smell her on me. I look back on all the times she followed me around, kept me company in the kitchen, and always rolling over the floor and asking for belly rubs. I miss her dearly. But it’s thanks to her that I realize that I am capable of loving someone other than myself and can be loved in return unconditionally.

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Coffee! Because without it I’d have no reason to get up in the morning. Wired is better than tired, twitching is better than bitching, death before decaf!

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This fucking beautiful frozen delight!! It’s like an organism that goes off in your mouth in every spoonful. Not lying!

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I love anime! Especially Miyazaki films. They’re some of the best things I’ve ever seen. Other anime titles that I love include, but are not limited to; Sailor Moon, Akame Ga Kill, Inuyasha, and The Slayers. There’s a lot more, but I want to keep this part short and sweet.

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My video game collection! I’m an avid gamer and I’m proud of it! Most people I knew from childhood were always into Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Nothing wrong with those titles, I like them but I didn’t get into them until later. While everyone was into Tolkienn or Rawling’s works I lost myself in games like Final Fantasy 8, Legend of Dragoon, Chrono Cross, Valkyrie Profile. These titles, for me, weren’t just fun games to play at the time, but I fell in love with the presentation of everything they had. Interesting characters, compelling plots (I was 14 when I played these games, shut up), beautiful music, and a worlds that I loved escaping into when reality sucked. I collect titles like they’re Pokemon and I collect game consoles like they’re the Dragon Balls! Except for Xbox One. I’m not into the Microsoft franchise and plus they don’t offer up a lot of titles that I’m interested in. And even when there is a good game coming out on XboxOne that I’d like to play it’s also available for PS4. I am a Sony boy!

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Pokemon and pocky! Because reasons….

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The WWE! I love pro-wrestling! I watched it every week as another way of escaping reality and getting out of my head. My top favorite superstars are Sasha Banks, Bayley, Becky Lynch, Sami Zayn, Tyler Bate, TMDK, The Revival, and Finn Balor (who by the way is my future husband. He just doesn’t know it yet). I especially love the WWE games because there is an entire community dedicated to creating their own wrestling promotions, superstars, championship belts, etc. This is a photo of one of my own creations that I’m particularly proud of. I want to make my own promotion and put it on YouTube, but time management is an issue. One of these days it’s going to happen. Probably with the release of WWE 2k18.

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Anything that came out of Dorothy Zbornak’s mouth on Golden Girls. Golden Girls in general. Shameless binging of Golden Girls via HULU….need I go on?

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Seeing random shit like this that always has my sides hurting from laughing so hard.

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Everyone has childhood superheroes. Almost everyone will say Batman, Green Lantern, or the X-Men. Yeah they’re great heroes, but for me it’s always been the Power Rangers. I’ve been with them from the very beginning (which should be a huge hint as to how old I really am). I’ve kept it a secret from a lot of people to avoid ridicule while growing up. My closest friends know about this because we’d always play as Power Rangers ourselves. We’d create our own villains, monsters, zords, and act out our own Ranger characters. This played a huge impact on my creativity when I was younger. The Power Rangers were always one of the few constant things I’ve had that brought me much needed comfort whenever I had to move away and transfer to a new school and just couldn’t connect with people. Plus getting up on Saturday mornings to catch a new episode was always something to look forward to. And yes, I’ve seen the new Power Rangers movie and I FUCKING LOVED IT!! Rotten Tomatoes and all the haters can just SUCK IT!! I walked out of that theater as a very happy vintage nerd! While I’m at it I also watched and enjoyed the OTHER Power Rangers movies from the 1990’s. YES, even Turbo! I also enjoyed the rebooted Ghostbusters movie and enjoyed it for what it was! Gonna stop here before this rant eats up the rest of the post!!

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Hand written drafts! It feels so good to work that pen across the paper and fill up the page space! I’m actually preferring that than staring at a blank Word document for hours and wanting to beat the shit out of that blinking cursor which I always feels is mocking me!!

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My cooking apron! Anytime I put it on I’m like, “Yeah baby!! Let’s chef things up tonight!”

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Good pizza! Because reasons…

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Snow. I know I like to piss and moan about all the things that are wrong with Boone and Appalachian State. But they do get beautiful snow. It reminds me of life in Ohio where I was born. I love playing in the snow. I love wearing my winter’s best clothing. All the best looking clothes are meant for cold weather, let’s be real. I love being snowed in and drinking good coffee and being with people I care about. I love watching the snow fall. I especially love all the summer people suffer because they can’t show off their muscle guns or bikini bods. I’m like, “Uh oh!! Time to get a personality, STAT!”

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These little guys! These are my cousin’s kids. The one on the far left is Sammy, Charlie in the center, and the girl is Katarina. I never thought I’d be good with kids. I have a hard enough time dealing with people closer to my own age. But these kids like Jewels have helped me learn and grow so much. They love me and I love them to death. One day when I was having a really bad day and the suicidal thoughts kept creeping in I got a surprise FaceTime call from my cousin and it was Katarina who wanted to call. Not to say “Hi”, but to say “Please come back! Please come over!” It made me come back to my senses. She’s a little saint for making that call. I’ll never forget the timing. It makes me want to work harder to make myself better and be there for those kids.

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Last but certainly not least is my Mom. Here she is with Jewels, spoiling her. My Mom is the sweetest person alive, but she’s also one of the strongest people that I know. If she says that I’m the strong one it’s only because I got my strength from her. She’s my biggest reason for wanting to work harder and get better. I’ve disappointed her in the past and always had a hard time forgiving myself for it. I want to stop being such a huge screw up. I want to be successful in life. I want a family of my own that she’d love to welcome into her life. I know I always have her support, no matter what. Which is why I want to keep going forward and keep fighting. I came clean to my Mom about my depression and told her that I wanted to hurt myself and die. It made her cry hearing that. It was another huge wake up call. Even if I went ahead and ended things so I wouldn’t have to feel pain my Mom, my cousins, and those kids would be destroyed. I don’t want to be the reason that they cry or hurt. I’m going to turn things around for me and them. I’m gonna fight my nightmares like a real warrior and I’m going to come out on top.

That’s all I got for now. I’m probably going to do a continuation of this list at some point because when it comes down to it there is a lot of things that make me happy. I’ve kept myself closed off from it all because I became so addicted to my own misery. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy, there are reasons to be happy all around me just like there is for everyone else. Only major difference is that those things don’t come from the end of a beer bottle, a bong, or anyone that’s lives by “hooking up” with the first person that they see.

Until then, later days!

Motherfucker, WHAT?!!!

So yeah……remember when I posted up “Cold Feet” and I mentioned how when things look like they’re working out and I was just waiting for the Universe to pull some shit and say, “Psych!!”

And then make me yell out, “Mmotherfucker, WHAT?!!”

Not five minutes after I posted “Cold Feet” my one friend at the Cottages of Boone texts me back to say, “I’m sorry. I can’t afford to pay anything right now.” And it is crunch time until we have to sign the lease and pay the security deposit. Do you see the problem here? And he’s the third person to back out on me….

So yeah…..Motherfucker, WHAT?!!

That happened.

Fortunately I have found someone to take his place after reposting the roommate ad, word for word, for the third time. Someone else is on board. They’re applying right now. And he is ready to pay his share of the deposit very soon. I feel sorry for my friend, but I need that place secured for me and my group. And unlike my ex-bestie who chose to do the classic “fade away” act I actually spoke up to my one Cottage friend and let him know whats up.

Of course he probably won’t read and respond to the text a whole week later. Let’s be real. How does someone suck so badly with communication? I’m not just talking about my friend anymore. I’m talking about people in Boone and App State in general.

People don’t communicate normally. Take the Cottages of Boone for example. Nobody ever calls, text, Facebook poke, or anything. They just help themselves and barge right into the house. It doesn’t help that no one ever locks the doors. They just barge right in. Oh and when they do decide to be decent and knock first they do so in the most obnoxious way imaginable. This same shitty rhythm and pattern to it. It’s like a bad song that gets stuck in your head.

I leave nice notes written by hand to say, “Hi guys. If you’re not going to wash the dishes then could you please load them into the dishwasher, at the very least. I’d really appreciate it.”

Do they listen? NO! Do they even read it? I doubt it!

So on top of lacking decent communication skills everyone seems to be fucking illiterate!!

This whole moving process has me on edge. I feel like I’m holding my breath and waiting for the chance to exhale. I just want it over with already. Especially before I change my mind about the whole thing and give up myself. It’s taking every ounce of willpower I have right now to have a meltdown.

I swear to God though…the next person who says, “Sorry man! I’m out” I will raise Hell!!

That concludes this little rant. I’m gonna go kill something on Bloodborne or something….peace.