Consumed.

For the longest time I’ve always wanted to be able to write stories. From the time I was little I was always making these scenarios in my mind, not realizing that I was weaving stories in my own way. I was weaving stories in everything that I was doing. Scribbling down ideas on notebook paper, playing with my action figures, daydreaming how I could emulate the adventures I’d seen in films and books.

For a much longer time I prevented myself from truly embracing my creativity. Whenever someone insulted me or hated on my ideas I took it hard. Whenever someone said that being a writer wasn’t a “practical” career choice it dashed all my hopes and dreams of the future.

Everyone’s thoughts, opinions, comments, intentionally hateful or not, suppressed me. Then I started to buy into it. I suppressed myself with my own theories, my depression, and the like.

I refer to my imagination as the “creation spark”. And now I feel like my “spark” has grown to the point where it’s devoured me in body, mind, and soul. Lately whenever I get involved with something creative it feels like reality fades away. And not only that all the usual noise I’m used to getting from my depression and anxiety…it’s completely silenced.

IMG_2291.JPG

Whenever I’m creating something on my WWE game, time slips away from me. Nothing else matters. I don’t hear the disembodied voice that tells me I’m not good enough, never pretty enough to attract a suitor, or that I’m worthless. Even bigger thing to point out is that I’m not comparing myself to other creative minds anymore. I don’t feel anyone else towering over me. That, by itself, is one of the most liberating and empowering things I’ve ever felt.

I don’t care about anyone else’s work. Not even the ones I’ve always admired like Stan Lee, Tarantino, or any of the people I’ve known in my personal life. In my mind, I’ve already declared myself the best creator there is. I haven’t been limiting myself to this WWE game of course. I’m creating my own worlds, finding myself, learning new things, and it’s helping me make sense of everything in this reality that’s always warped my mind.

Somehow I’m becoming completely “Nightmare Proof”. My brain is getting re-wired in a way that overpowers all the depressing thoughts and feelings of anxiety. I feel a lot stronger. I feel like I’m my most authentic self right now. Things don’t worry me like they used to. And if there’s a problem I’m prepared to deal with it.

I’ve always referred to my depression as the “Nightmare Syndrome”. I’ve talked about how every experience feels like fighting monsters left and right. I think now this is the time where I have all the right armor, weapons, and skills needed to actually fight back against all of the things that have ever tried to destroy me; my depression, this unfair reality, and all the people that try to break me down.

I’m still getting the hang of things, but I’m going to see what happens from here and keep everyone posted.

Oh yeah. One more thing. I’m going to create a second site meant for fictional works that I’m willing to share. So for all the loyal followers that are interested, stay tuned and I will keep you updated.

The name of the site is Creation Spark Central. I will be sharing stuff like my fictional universe, my wrestling promotion, my own superheroes, my own everything. Show you what kind of acid trip imagination that I have. It’s not just to show off my writing skills, but also nurture my creativity so that I will never lose it again. I’m not trying to get published and become famous here. Writing and creating need to be fun first before they become a full time job after all.

I leave you with that. Signing off now!

Advertisements

Second Wind

This semester is coming to a close, but there is still a lot that needs to be done. For someone like me it always feels like an epic battle. The sort of battle that will either make or break things. This perception casts a heavy weight on my mind. Not to mention makes for inner demons to grow larger, meaner, and more powerful.

This time is a little different from all the other times. If any of you remember from the earliest posts I’ve talked a little bit of my spirituality, how I’ve been receiving signs for many years. These last few months have been no different. I won’t get into too much detail on how these signs came to me, but for the most part they’ve all pointed to something positive, greater, and dare I say a depression-free life, something I want more than anything.

I’m realizing now that when the signs first came to me I became passive and fatalistic. I just accepted what was presented to me without question. This set me up for constant disappointment. I expected the good things to simply be handed to me and if the signs pointed to something bad I merely shrugged and said, “Oh well. I can’t stop it from happening.”

Perhaps that’s why I’ve been forced to endure all the hardships that occurred over the last few years. It was so I’d be able to find my fighting spirit and decide for myself what I truly wanted for myself. It forced me to think differently, change my perceptions about the world around me.

There’ve been days where I felt so drained that I thought I was barely holding onto my existence by a thread. There have also been days where it seems as thought I’m not alive or exist at all. No life, no afterlife. Pure oblivion.

But the more I think about the good that is promised to me the more I feel as though I’ve gained a revitalized spirit. Simply put I’ve found my second wind. But that doesn’t mean I can relax just yet. Just because something is promised to me doesn’t mean I don’t have to work hard and pour effort into anything. I’m only now realizing this as well.

I’ve carried this perception that the dreams that I’ve been pursuing was always under some sort of time limit. I imagined the same thing for everything else as well. But now it seems as though time doesn’t matter anymore. Which means that it’s not too late.

So I’m gathering everything that’s in me. All my greatest hopes and desires, my conviction and faith, and even my pains and regrets to propel me to go forward, to empower me, and finally uncloud my eyes from anything that’s confused or obstructed me.

It feels similar to when I wrote my intentions to rise up from the rock bottom I was in back in April. There’s the sort of pain that is associated with growth. Clearly I’m not done growing yet. I’m not done becoming stronger and wiser. My challenges have yet to end.

But here is a new intention I want to make clear right now. It’s a depression-free life that I seek, but it’s a mistake to simply wait for it to be handed to me. It’s a mistake to wait for anything to be given to me like it’s a prize. Nothing that I’ve been doing has been about collecting prizes. My life isn’t a playstation game where accomplishments are measured by trophies being earned or scores being weighed. The life that I’m living now is worth more than that. The life that I seek is worth so much more. I will live as though I have the life that I want, as if all my dreams have been realized.

Otherwise I’m living like I’m always wanting something and always being cheated. I would be living life unsatisfied and feeding myself misconceived notions of how things are supposed to be. It’s no different from a smoker who tries to quit and always goes back to lighting up. It’s a bad habit I’ve carried with me for years and it hasn’t brought me any good at all. So it has to go. Just like I’ve been wanting my depression to go.

This year is coming to a close. I don’t want to start up 2018 carrying 2017 issues. This is the best way to guarantee that. I’m done being stuck in the same horrible habits and going through the same thing in a never-ending fashion. This is what’s been driving me insane. This is the very definition of insanity.

This will mark a new beginning for me and ,hopefully, be the permanent end to my nightmares. It’s possibly a huge leap. But I have to risk it. Because if I don’t make the jump now then when?

It’s now or never and I refuse to stand in my own way.

My given name is Alex. But people know me as “Pen”.

Here is the reason why I took the name Pen. It’s not just because I’m a writer or because I wanted to make a play on “pen names”. Those are factors, but not the biggest reasons why. It’s because I believe that no matter what your belief system is, whatever God you pray to, or if you believe in magic or not your fate is always in your own hands.

Every breath is like a new word. Every day is a new page. Every year is a new chapter. You are the protagonist of your own story and you write your own fate when you decide to take control of your life.

And that’s why I wanted to take on the name, so I can always remember this simple truth and stop perceiving the things I desire as impossible to have. That’s all the magic in life I will ever need.

And I’m off. Love and peace.

Come on with it Universe!!


This is me, getting to take on the day and all the universe has to throw my way.

It’s That Time Again…

Time to brave through the academic gauntlet!! I’ve got a podcast, two articles to write, and another mammoth sized paper to finish before the Christmas break hits!! It’s going to be tough but I’m going to go all out and give it everything that I got!! Here I go!!

1352065_1

To My Biggest Hater

209769295113933419_hmJSshIy_c

Dear Depression,

I don’t have to listen to a word you say anymore. I don’t need to believe anything you echo into my brain. Yeah you might be a part of me and you might be another driving force behind my writing, but that doesn’t change that fact that you are a hatchet faced lying piece of shit. You’re the part of me that doesn’t want to live and be happy because it’s easier for you to stay where you are, as you are. Stagnant, twisted, hating others, and then react like a fool when things don’t go your way. All you’ve done is weigh me down. I try to show you that life is worth living, I try to love you like all the other parts of myself, I try to convince you that not everything is all doom and gloom, not everyone is a cancerous human being, and not every challenge has to be a fight to the death. I try to show you that there is beauty in everything but all you’ve done is piss all over everything and spit at my face.

You might be a part of me, but you’re just one part that I have to live with. There’s more to me than just you. You’re not the driving force behind anything I say or do anymore. You’re not my crutch, I don’t need a crutch. I don’t need to prove or do anything for you or for anybody else. So I’m gonna live, feel good, and do the damn thing for myself. You don’t get to be a factor in anything anymore. So fuck all your noise. In fact, fuck your shit. I’m done with you. I’d love to say “It’s been fun”, but we both know that’d be a bold faced lie. This is goodbye!

Sincerely,
Alex “Pen” Martinez

Yummy Yummy Boom Boom!

24300985_1830417540583174_2137640973444951771_n

Kitchen Magic was strong today!! Sliced pickles, cheeze-its, boiled egg, kimchi, gimbap with cooked beef, tuna, and more kimchi inside. Also beef fried rice mixed with sweet and spicy sauce, fried shrimp, and cut up fried chicken tenders. Both were fried up with panko breadcrumbs.

I also prepared some ninjin shiri-shiri on the side. This recipe I picked up from the Youtube Channel, Cooking with Dog. The gimbap is another recipe I picked up from Maangchi’s cooking channel. This was the hard recipe to get through. I still need a lot of practice, but I’m getting better!!

I’d make a nice man-wife for someone, wouldn’t I? God I wish I had a man to cook for. Someone who can pay me back in sexual favors. Work off the carbs, ya know?

Later days!