An Update on My Life

So, I finally did it. I moved into my new home, Sparonest. Yay!! I was the first to move in and get set up. It was an eventful day. It was such a rush to pack up all of my stuff and leave the Cottages of Boone. I gave the main office both middle fingers as I left for the new house.

My parents got to see the inside of the place for the very first time. My mom loves it. My dad on the other hand…he fucking hates it. It was a constant bitchfest with him. Of course, I expected nothing less from my old man. He is the type of guy that gets pissed off just drinking water after all. He stubbed his toe twice while walking around the house. I don’t feel sorry for him. His own fault for having two left feet and zero patience for anything.

I had to downsize like 60% of my stuff when I moved in. I took what I needed and would make the most use of and gave the rest to my parents for them to take back home. I have the smallest room with a slanted ceiling in the second floor, but that doesn’t bother me. My roommates are already super cool. My female roommate has been so nice to me and she helped a lot when it came to organizing the room and settling some of my stuff in other parts of the house. She’s got a cat who’s a little attention whore, but I’m actually grown attached to the little fur ball.

My other roommate has a big ass dog. Remember watching the original Ghostbusters film? Remember Zuul? Yeah, he’s that big. And he’s only 16 months. But he’s not a bad dog. He’s all right.

Oh yeah and my manager is a total cutie. Both me and the chick wanted to seduce him. Sadly, though it appears he’s taken. But hey, I can still dream.

I love it here. It’s only been a little more than a week, but I’m already a lot happier here than I ever was at the Cottages. I’ve washed my hands clean of that place permanently.

I’m almost done with this summer semester, thank God. This entire summer has been nothing but madness. The only thing that can make up for that is pumpkin spiced everything, cooler weather, and not having to deal with the constant time crunch of assignments in a five-week session.

I still have my moments where stress and anxiety build up. I’m doing the best I can to power through it all. It doesn’t help that I concluded counseling offered at the school. Plus, the stress of moving and the constant photo assignments. I’m a little behind with my photography, but mercifully my professor isn’t a complete monster and she’s offering me the chance to turn in my stuff late. Right now, that’s my primary stressor. There was also the matter of my tight financial situation. But it’s finally getting better. My private loan refund is finally kicking in so I can pay my mom back the money that I owe her and I go back to using financial aid like I normally do. That was giving me the most problems.

Now all I have left to do is to power through the rest of this summer session and complete the rest of my photo assignments. I do love taking pictures, but I hate the technical side of it all.

“Remember everybody to go at it through this angle. Don’t use that setting, use this setting. Make sure that flash bounces off the wall. Your photo better includes a living subject, but no felines! Humans only!”

Gimme a fucking break…

It doesn’t help that I got slim pickings for photo subjects. Boone is a small town after all. How small? I’d say as small as ET’s nonexistent nut sack. But I’m going to manage something. I’ve been through worse challenges after all. And it’s almost time for the fall semester. I just need to grit my teeth and power through things until then. I’m tougher than I was before. And I continue to keep getting stronger with the positive momentum that I got building up. I refuse to go back to the person that I was before any of this. I’ve already come too far.

So that’s where I am in my life right now. Update complete! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna cook some tuna fried rice and get my photo equipment ready for tomorrow! Later days!

I Survived The Cottages

There should be t-shirts that read, “I survived the Cottages of Boone”. Tomorrow is the big moving day. From Cottages to Sparonest. Naturally my anxieties were acting up earlier. I was suddenly dreading that something was going to go horribly wrong. I’ve had this feeling for I don’t know how long. A feeling like I’m always missing something or that I’m doing something wrong even after I’ve done everything that I was supposed to do.

I texted the managers with my concerns and mentioned that I was feeling jittery and the dude called me back. He was actually concerned. To my surprise I’m like, “Son of a bitch, he’s a human being after all!”

I will be the first one to move in so I will have the place to myself until the day after when roommates start coming in. So I’m calm now after the manager answered the questions that were nagging at me today. But damn….I can’t believe I still have trouble with stuff like this.

Last week was my last counseling session so I feel like I have to fend for myself. I can’t help but feel like I have to keep my guard raised at all times. A big reason being is that I’m just not used to things going my way. Plus moving is a big thing for me. The whole thing has given me cold feet from the very beginning. It’s been one nerve wracking experience after another since this entire summer began. Part of me still feels trapped in darker times before that too. So this move is really the big step forward that I needed. Finding the place and applying for it wasn’t enough. I need to move in to make it feel official. Maybe then I can give myself permission to be happy.

Watch me go out of my way to get some sage or holy water to do a blessing on every square inch of this house. I’ll be doing the same chant the old Uncle in “Jackie Chan’s Adventure” did. Anyone know what I’m talking about?

Yuumo gwei gwai fai dee zao…and then he’d repeat this in a loop. I should probably make it into my own mantra for the shits and giggles.

I’m going to make my intentions clear to the universe. I want to produce all the good that I can to outweigh all the bad. I want my last year at Appalachian State to be a positive one. And I want to find the thing that makes all the struggles worth it. I will make it my mission to assure that things don’t return to the way they used to be. And whatever challenges stand in my way I will show it NO MERCY.

Tomorrow will be the official first day of a better life. Now I’m gonna go back to packing up my things before I jinx things. Later days!

FML

So I finished my first summer session on a positive note and I was like, “Yeah!! You can’t my kill my chill!”

So I figured that things can only get better from there. After all one of the things I’ve been trying to do lately is to get the idea of “I’m not allowed to be happy” out of my head.

I had to file for an appeal with the financial aid office before I left home for the brief break. They wanted documentation that I was getting help for my problems with my appeal form. So I did all that. I turned it in on the morning of my final exams. Then when I get back I get the news that my appeal has been approved. Naturally I jump to my student page and get ready to accept the awards offered. I do all this only to find out….there’s nothing there.

So I go to the office to ask what went wrong. I didn’t miss anything. I spoke with someone different who provided me with new information. Turns out that there’s nothing offered to me in the summer now because my loans were maxed out during an earlier semester. Something that the women I spoken with before never mentioned at all because I spoke with her about a separate issue. It’s going to be like this until the fall starts up. Provided that I sign on for an appeal again.

So now I’m forced to apply for a loan outside of school. I’m pissed about what I found out at the office, but I powered through it and applied for that loan online. I even get my mom to cosign for me. I already get the news that I’m approved. There’s nothing else for me to do except wait for the school to give it certification, whatever that means.

But of course none of this is good enough for my mom. Nope. Suddenly she’s flooding me with new questions. The loan I applied for was to pay back my mom for paying the tuition. That’s all I’ve been wanting to do since this summer started. But now she’s asking, “What about your rent money?” “What about food?”

She’s asking me questions that I already gave to her before I even signed on for that stupid loan. I told her, “Financial aid can’t give me anymore money until the fall starts up.” “The loans were maxed out.” She had no problems understanding any of this the first time I said this to her now she’s confused. So I’m on the phone with her and feeling attacked that all the work I’ve been putting into this hasn’t been good enough. Now I’m pissed at her.

I have five days until I move into the new house. Three weeks before this summer session ends which is the time I’ll need for that new appeal. I currently have like $28 in my name, a scarce food supply, two classes to juggle, no friends in Boone, but tons of stress. Perpetual, mind numbing, soul crushing stress.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve had even a little bit of peace. Just when I think I’m making progress and I’ve hit a break I keep hitting a new wall that obstructs me or a new wave of emotions and thoughts that keep trying to crush and consume me. Just thinking about everything makes me want to ditch class just so I can take a 12 hour nap. But now if I go ahead and call a personal day just to recharge my batteries then I’m repeating the same thing that I would do when my depression is at it’s worst. I’d be doing the very thing that put me into this mess in the first place. Only reason I’m even able to take the time to write this now is because my professor cancelled this morning class.

At first I thought I was just pissed off at my Mom and her constant questioning. Now its everything. I’m getting triggered again. I let the Universe know my true intentions and I follow through with actions. I put in all this work, I’m snapping out of this depressing funk, but it feels like nothing I say or do is good ever good enough for anyone.

What sucks even more is that I have nothing else to do except to go forward, knowing fully well that things won’t get any easier. I need some time to think.

Can’t Kill My Chill

Today was my last day of the first summer session here at Appalachian State. I gotta say that these past few weeks have been some of the most nerve wracking ever. But it’s also been very rewarding.

I passed BOTH of my classes. That’s including my more difficult class. It was a math class. I was on edge because I didn’t do so well on two tests and we were told that scoring less than a 60% on a test would mean that we had no chance of passing the course. The teacher was real cool though. She’s not some monster that gets off on other people’s misery. She genuinely cares for all her students and wanted to help out whenever possible.

I took my math final earlier today and I slayed it. On top of that, I hadn’t checked out my score on the class until today. Anyone whose been paying attention to anything that I’ve been writing and posting here can imagine the reason why. I didn’t think I would end up doing so good. I was the last person to finish and turn in my exam after double checking everything for over an hour. I asked my teacher if she was teaching any other class. I figured that I’d have to sign up for another one after that. I said, “Well I don’t know exactly what I’ve made in this class, but I figure it smarts to weigh my options….” And then she shows me my current grade. It turns out I already have a passing grade of 84.6. I have a B!

So it doesn’t matter how bad I do on that final because I’ve already passed the course. All my efforts paid off! It was the only math class that I needed for my degree and it’s out of my way. Math has been a constant source of terror for me for the longest time and now I never have to deal with it again. No more translating word problems, no more geometry, no more quadratic formulas, no more retaining useless facts, and no more beating myself up because of my sucky math skills. I’m free at last!! And it feels so damn good!

I passed my communication law course too. I never have to retain legal facts ever again. It was unbelievably draining to have to retain math formulas, names of cases, knowing how to dance around empirical rules, and memorizing all that legal jargon. There is no future in the legal world for me. Viola Davis makes it look good, but it ain’t for me.

I’ve got my tuition paid for, my financial situation is going to improve, and it’s just a matter of killing time until it’s time to move into the new house. This is all a huge victory to me. I start up a new session in the next few days, but between now and then I can finally be happy. I can celebrate!

Between juggling those classes, counseling sessions, and dealing with my usual crap I am exhausted. Not to mention there was all that stuff with the house, from finding the roommates, waiting for the manager to pick us, and the day of signing that lease. I was on edge! And even when it looked like all was taken care of there seemed to always be something else that stood in the way. There was always another trigger to my anxiety. I did my best to keep this positive momentum going strong, but there times when I thought it would all come a crashing halt.

But nope!! You can’t kill my chill! I’m on my way to meeting my goals. I planned to come back from my failures and it’s happening. I wanted that house and I got it. I’ve got a great thing going on and now I have to work harder to keep it going stronger!!

For now though it’s time for me to be happy and celebrate. I owe myself! Let’s see what a math-free life is like for me. Sweet dreams!

Maximum Effort!!

I swear some assignments are given as a form of torture. One of my current projects involve making a geometric cone out of paper. There are instructions on how to do that. In the real world where normal people rule supreme something like this shouldn’t be a problem, right? It shouldn’t produce a bead of sweat, right? Ideally, yes. But for someone like me who turns into a feeble, crippled, nervous wreck when they so much as a see an text alert about the power bill, don’t have enough rice to cook with, or get a phone call from their mom of all people…..you see where I’m going with this?

This is for my math class too. Which begs a question….when in the hell am I ever going to need this stuff in my life? I want to make a career in writing, no number crunching whatsoever! The only real math I’ll ever need is basic addition and subtraction. Like, “how much do I need to pay for my electric bill?” “how much shopping off Amazon can I afford to treat myself to?” “how many slices of pizza can I eat in one sitting? how many leftover slices do I want to save for tomorrow?”

THAT’S ALL.

Again, I really hope that the grade comes down to effort that’s put into it. Cause like I said before everyone in class is absolutely clueless about what to do. Okay my nerves are dropping from an 11 to something manageable now. I should be able to manage something. It’s going to be a crap job for sure though, but right now all I care about is getting it done.

My current academic problems combined with everyday stress, hemorrhaging my finances, nonexistent love life, and my oh-so-lovely-not-at-all-debilitating-depression has naturally put me in a very foul mood.

I just want to sit down and write fiction! That’s all I’ve ever wanted! I have had little to no time for myself to do anything like it. I got ideas occupying space in my mind like an episode of Hoarders, but I can’t sit down and take the time to put it down on paper because there’s always something that’s in my way. School is my biggest obstruction right now which is funny because the whole point of me going to school in the first place is so I could have a better life for myself. I can blog all day till my heart is content, I could write my most secret of secrets in my little black journals describing what hot dream I had of Charlie Hunnam, but when it comes to writing down fictional characters on fictional adventures fighting a bunch of fictional villains and monsters…..now it’s a problem!

With all that does go in my head there’s plenty of stuff that I can use for my characters to deal with. But now I can’t even make any new characters. I’ve gotten out of touch with my old characters too. I don’t know what makes them tick anymore, what their motivations are, or hell even what their favorite meal is.

I don’t take the time to really do anything for myself other than cooking, gaming, and sleeping. But even when I am doing this stuff there’s always something hanging over my head like, “Am I going to pass this class?” “Will I ever graduate?” “Will I be fortunate enough to score a day job?” “How am I ever going to pay off my student loan debts….?”

Okay….here’s what I’m going to do next.

I’m going to stop ranting and whining.
I’m going to do the stupid projects in the best way I can.
I’m going to pay my power bill.
I’m going to treat myself to some fried chicken or a hamburger steak or something.
I’m going to make it through this last week.
I’m going to pay my tuition…somehow….
I’m going back home for much needed R&R.
I’m going to go buy the new Power Rangers movie on Blu-Ray and probably watch it until I’ve got every line memorized or until I have the strong desire to write some fan fiction.
I’m coming back to keep the positive momentum when the second summer session starts up and then I’m going to move the fuck out of the Cottages of Boone.

Whatever depression and anxiety I feel between now and then I’m just going to power through it and get whatever peace of mind I can have. Yeah I made the choice to get medicated, but even so I know there are gonna be times where I have to bite the bullet and push through.

So here I go with MAXIMUM EFFORT!!

Crumbling Walls

It’s been a minute since I’ve updated hasn’t it? I had to lay off for a little while so I could deal with stuff in school and reality. Good news is that things are going well. I just finished taking two exams, back to back. I feel good about them. Although the first exam kinda blindsided me.

This was for communication law. The professor said to be ready for all types of questions, a little bit of multiple choice, short answer, and fill in the blanks. I’ve been going to my classes, I’ve been attentive, I’ve taken good notes, I figured “I got this shit.”

But then it turns out the whole thing was fill in the blank. And of course of all times for my mind to turn blank it happened when I couldn’t remember the names of cases we discussed in class. I was hoping that it would be a little bit of multiple choice or identifying cases with like a word bank or whatever, but no such luck. I don’t think I bombed that exam, but it didn’t go as I would’ve hoped. Next week I’ll be ready for sure. There’s an exam every Thursday for this class. The next exam was on my weaker subject, math. But I was prepared for it. It was the same deal with the law class. Took good notes, paid attention, etc.

I woke up with a plan. I grabbed this little plushie I have of a Pokeball. I’ve been using it as a stress reliever all day long. I even wore a Pokemon Trainer t-shirt to match. My way of celebrating the announcement of Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon. I was the last one to exit the class room. Not because I struggled with the exam, but because I had to double check every damn thing. I want to think that I did good, but I won’t know the results until tomorrow. But there’s a part of me that can’t shake off the good feeling.

I had my appointment with my counselor the other day. Remember my previous entry about how I wallowed in the fact that I’m “not allowed to be happy”? Yeah, we had a ball with that one. Totally called it.

I have a lot more clarity now than I’ve had in a very long time. Partly due to continuous blogging and also to counseling services offered here.

“I’m not allowed to by happy”. I’ve had this mantra stuck with me since before I showed up in Boone. I thought that after I went into counseling here the first time that all my problems would be put behind me. I put behind the malice I was feeling at the time before so it’s not as though counseling was a wasted effort. What I’ve been going through the last few months is something different. I’m still not entirely sure why or what made me so sad and want to die during the spring semester. I’m still trying to find answers. To be perfectly honest I don’t know if I’m going to feel 100% all right until I have an answer to everything.

This messed up mantra I’ve been carrying with me obviously isn’t helping. It’s made me build up a lot of walls to surround myself with. Too many things played a factor in reinforcing those walls. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, so if it seems like I’m on repeat, sorry. Bad habit of mine. But yeah, I’ve got walls. I don’t know how high they go up, but I can feel them surrounding me. Even when I should be happy I can’t help but feel as though my defenses have to be up at all times. I think maybe they’re starting to come down. Maybe not all the way down, but there’s a definite change. Maybe I’m finally giving myself permission to be happy.

I need to do away with that mantra permanently. Is it the root of all my problems? I don’t know yet. Clearly it’s not helping. I’d love to delve deep into things until I have an answer, but the last thing I need at this moment is to have another “analysis paralysis” moment. It’s not as if that ever helped anyway.

I have reasons to be happy. I signed the lease and made the deposit on the house and so has everyone one else. I got the notice from the manager on Monday. Now it feels official. Add that to surviving my first few days of the new semester and braving some exams and I think I’m a little overdue for a victory celebration. I owe myself that much at least. The rest of the stuff I’m going to deal with it. But for now I am too mentally exhausted and drained to even attempt diving into my vast sea of dense thoughts. I’ve got a bottle of wine and some udon noodle soup and my Playstation is calling out to me like a siren’s song. Oh yeah and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna murder my pillow well into the morning because I’ve been waking up too early for the last two weeks. I need to sleep in and enjoy myself.

Until then, later days!

High Strung Tsunami

What kind of day has today been? The title says it all. I woke up early this morning. I woke up a little bit last 7:00 AM. I was lying in my own bed, feeling slightly nervous about going. I wasn’t having second thoughts or anything, but there was still nervousness present. I felt like seawater. I was calm, but picking up turbulence. I managed to get up, fix myself some coffee, and I was able to soothe my nerves away. Then I hopped on the 8:30 bus. My appointment would start up an hour later, but I wanted to get moving right away.

I showed up, took a seat in the waiting room, and sure enough I met up with my assigned counselor, someone different from the last time I was there. The session went without a hitch. I left the room with my head still attached. I posted up a picture that said, “Keep calm. I’m not dead yet.” Showing off my gallows humor as usual. The ocean waves calm down…

I make my way to class. I stopped halfway when I realized that I left my textbook at the Cottages and thought, “Wait a sec….my homework wasn’t in there…riiiight?” I almost panic! I didn’t want to be forgetting a simple assignment on the first week of class. I looked in my binder. It wasn’t there. I was ready to hop on a bus and go get it if I had to. But then it turns out the homework was in my bag, just not the binder. I take a deep breath. The waves are calm again.

I check my email. The manager for the new house had sent messages. He said he wanted deposits and signatures by the days end. I hadn’t signed yet. My mom, the guarantor, hadn’t signed yet. Plus I hadn’t gotten the money I needed yet. I almost panic and call my Mom. She says, “Hijo. I’ll be stopping by the bank at 2:00 and you’ll get your money. Ask the manager to hold onto your check until Monday before he does anything. And don’t sign anything until you call me.”

The waves calm down. I emailed the manager and I let him know whats up. Class is about to start up. I’m glad I brought chocolate snacks with me. It would be like my xanax for the next 2 hours and 40 minutes. The manager does get back to me. And he’s cool. He’s really cool.

He says, “Hey Alex. Sure I’ll hold onto your check by Monday. I’ll resend you your lease if you don’t have it.” Mom lets me know that she’s made the deposit. I had told him that I’d hop back to the Cottages to grab my checkbook and would meet him back on campus so I could give it to him in person.

I make myself comfortable in the library. It’s 3:30. I’ve got my phone and mac with me. I’m killing time doing whatever. It’s almost 4:30 and I almost don’t hear from him. During that waiting time the waves are getting turbulent again. Finally I go on Facebook chat and I find his cell number. Instead of waiting for the guy to email me back I was gonna text him. I probably waited close to 20 minutes before getting a response. We set up a meeting spot. I signed the check and I handed it right to him. The leases would be resent to me and my Mom for us to sign individually.

The waves calm down. I go back to the Cottages. My bedroom door is locked and I’m pretty sure my keys were left in there. I call up the main office. There was a hiccup. Apparently the dumb blonde thought I said I needed the front door unlocked. I had to call back the main office and repeat, “BEDROOM DOOR. LOCKED. SEND SOMEONE. NOW.”

It had already been a long day and I really had to pee at that point so I was slightly irritated. The waves were turbulent, but I managed to calm down. Finally I got a call back from my Mom. My ringtone really caught me off guard.

Suddenly there’s a problem with the lease. Because of the move in and move out dates. Even though I already made myself clear that the manager said it’s possible to move in sooner and that I would have better luck finding a sublease for the house than I ever had for the Cottages of Boone. Because clearly no one wants to live at the Cottages unless they absolutely have no choice, like “Gun to your head, you have no choice.”

BUT that’s not good enough for my Mom. She keeps saying that the document should have the dates changed and that I did a sloppy job even though she knew I’ve done everything from finding this house, picking out the roommates, keeping in contact with the manager, asking questions like if it were possible to move in sooner, pump him for information, kept him updated on new roommates wanting to move in when previous choices kept backing out on me, and stayed on top of everything for weeks. AND YET….I still did a sloppy job in her eyes.

NOW the ocean waves are raging. I feel like I’m being blindsided. I feel like this is the part where the universe says, “Psych!! You can’t have this house! You can’t be happy!!”

I think I’m close to losing everything after coming so far. What my Mom said had me rattled. I text the manager a whole new bunch of questions. Even requesting a whole new updated lease. So now I have to wait for him to back to me AGAIN. Just when I thought that everything was over.

The phone rings again. My ringtone made my ears feel like they were exploding and made me nearly jump out of my skin. I tell my Mom that I’m waiting for his response. I’m on edge and it’s showing. She knows that I’m agitated. I tell her that today had been a long day, I was finally feeling good until she bombarded me with those questions and then called me sloppy. She half-heartedly apologizes and then asks, “I’m not signing for everyone in the house right?”

I rolled my eyes, I let out this loud huff, I want to smash my head against the wall and I yell, “NO!!! You’re just a guarantor! You’re just a back up in case I don’t pay my rent! Which you know never happens! And even if it did you would only pay for ME and not the whole FUCKING HOUSE!!”

The waves keep raging.

“Hijo! Calm down!!”

“NO!! I will not calm down!! You know I’m so close to getting that house!! You know how much I want it!!”

Still raging. Rising to new levels.

I say a few things and she says, “Ok! I’m signing right now! How do I sign….?”

Through clenched teeth I tell her, “IT’S DIGITAL…..”

The waves are crashing everywhere.

You can see everybody’s signature on the document. Mom says, “You haven’t signed yet.”

And now I’m really fed up, “Because you told me not to until AFTER I called you first!! I was listening to you, carajo!!”

“Si….you’re listening to me like you’re supposed to…”

“SIGN THE DAMN THING ALREADY!!!”

“Ok ok…I’m signing it now…”

We hang up. The deed is done. All parties have signed. It’s finally official. The phone rings AGAIN……

At this point I really FUCKING HATE that ringtone. It’s the manager. Yeah, NOW he gets back to me. Turns out he would’ve done as I asked. It would’ve started the whole process all over again. But he would’ve done it. He says that he’ll gladly talk to my parents if they have any other concerns. From now on I’m leaving it all to HIM…..

NO MAS MALDITAS PREGUNTAS, POR FAVOR!!!!!!

If I didn’t need counseling before I sure as hell do now.

A high strung tsunami. That’s what this whole day has been like. It’s 10:22 PM. How the actual fuck am I supposed to manage to salvage what’s left of this day? There’s not enough alcohol in this house to chill me out right now. There’s not enough alcohol….something I thought I’d never have to say while living at the Cottages.

I should be happy now. Shouldn’t I? I can barely bring myself to celebrate after working so hard to get that house. I have a problem with discounting positives, waiting for the worse case scenario, everything feels dulled and I’m too exhausted to celebrate.

I think there’s something behind this that I need to bring up during my next appointment. Something that I have noticed since before coming to Boone.

During the summertime of 2014 I was waiting to hear back from Appalachian State to see if I had been accepted or not. I had been rejected the year before. I had to pick myself from the ground after that. I remember I had rose colored glasses about everything behind the idea of living a life in Boone. I was on edge the entire summer. I was constantly at my wit’s end. I barely left the house. I wanted to be there when I got the letter in the mail. It was self-torture.

Finally it was September 8th. I still hadn’t heard anything. That was when my Mom and I found out about my Dad’s affair. I didn’t stumble upon this by accident. Mom found the evidence on his phone that he left at the house while he went out. My Mom came to me with the phone and said, “You’re going to help me and you’re not going to say no.” She dragged me into things, not giving me any other choice. Things changed for the worse. The world I knew at that point felt like it had been distorted.

Finally the day after I found out that I had been accepted. What should’ve been a happy moment for me was stolen from me. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be happy.

“I’m not allowed to be happy…”

That phrase came to mind when everything else went wrong. Mike’s betrayal, living in the Cottages, not being able to leave the Cottages when I wanted to so many times, not having actual friends to call my own in Boone, not being able to move on from those dark places in my life….

My cognition had been warped and I had convinced myself that happiness was a luxury I wasn’t allowed to have because it would be dulled or taken from me again in the same way.

Oh yeah….my counselor and I are going to have a ball with this one. I’m supposed to just try a new recipe for a short term goal, but now I’m coming back with THIS. Oh boy….

No take backs. This is my truth. I don’t know if it’s the root of all my problems. But it can’t go ignored.

10:46 PM….
I’m gonna go and try to salvage what’s left of this day. And if that doesn’t work then I will go nuts tomorrow.