My Own Little World

I’ve been quite the reclusive writer as of late. An escape from reality for me was long overdue anyway. I found a bunch of old drafts and ideas that I had jotted down for the many stories that I never finished or barely started. I feel like I’m reconnecting with old friends whenever I read up on old characters and feeling like I’m reconnecting with my own self as well.

It was always my plan to get back to my writing roots and start back from scratch with my stories and other creative projects. When things in reality turn incredibly ugly like with what’s been happening after the Charlottesville incident and the like it makes it easier to escape. It makes me imagine a world that I’d rather be apart of and people I’d vastly prefer than the people I know.

Of course these escapes can only last for so long. There’s always something in my reality that’s always calling me back against my will; academic responsibilities, people who need me, the fact that I’m going to have my hands filled with other stuff like paying off bills and debts, finding a real job, being a normal functioning member of society….ya’know? All that good stuff.

I’ve been keeping my distance from other people in my life. Including friends I’ve had before I left for Boone. At first I didn’t want to have to deal with people and hear about how great their lives were when I was struggling for the longest time with everything. But now it’s the opposite. Some of them are having their own share of problems as well. If I were the same person I was three years ago then I’d take the time to listen, to help them unload their burden. But I’m not that person anymore. I’ve got problems of my own to worry about. The current state of the world sure doesn’t help either. I don’t need a constant reminder of how horrible things are with Trump in the White House, a bunch of Neo-Nazi shit heads looking to cause trouble, or whatever other issue of the week keeps going on; police brutality, ISIS, and the constant starvation and poverty in Venezuela where my family is from. I see all of this on my social media so I’m forced to disconnect.

The world as I know it now is a toxic place to live in for people like me that deal with depression and anxiety and for those that don’t. I don’t want to run away from reality because I know I have to learn to deal with it all. But I’m only one person with limited means of doing so and my patience can only last for so long.

Normally I’d be questioning myself and overthink things like, “Does this make me a bad person?” “Am I a coward?” Or something to that effect.

But I know that’s not the case. I’m making a choice based on self-preservation. If the world is toxic then it makes sense that someone doesn’t want to be exposed to it. And I genuinely don’t care if anyone disagrees with me on this. This is for me, not for them. Besides even if I wan’t to do something to change the world on an epic scale I can’t do that when I’m not even 100% in the clear with my own issues.

All I have is myself, my writing, and an imagination that’s the closest thing I have to a cure-all. I used to believe that indulging myself in my writing consistently meant that I was just running away from everything; the state of the world, the things that fuel my depression, being single and lonely, drowning in crippling debt, and overall things not going my way. But that doesn’t have to be the case. Losing myself in my own world could be beneficial. I’m not just talking about getting a head start on my writing career. But perhaps in writing I’ll find answers to questions about myself that have bothered me for the longest time and learn how to better understand the reality I live in and better cope with the things that challenge me. That’s what I believe anyway.

In my own little world there are things that come straight from the fantasy novels. Monsters, sorcery, giant mechs, superheroes, etc etc. Sometimes I think a world where these things are included automatically mean I’d be living in a better reality. At least then things would make more sense. There’d be heroes fighting the good fight against the villains and make them pay for their crimes. I wouldn’t be struggling to figure what’s truly right or wrong. I’d know which side to fight on.

In my own little world people are not judged on their religion, their gender, who they’re attracted to, the color of their skin, the languages they speak, or whatever interests they have. People are not defined by their struggles or anything else that makes them feel like dirt about themselves. People are defined by their desires and the actions that they take to make those desires into reality.

People wouldn’t have to struggle over things like money, food, medicine, education, and if anyone or anything gets in the way of these things then they’d go down.

In my own little world that I’m trying to make into a reality…
I’m happy with a man that I love and want to spend the rest of my days with. I’m successful in my career as a writer. I live in a beautiful home. I’ve graduated from App State. I’m depression-free.

Thats all got to say tonight. Later.

Dream Limbos and Lost Prophets

So I’m back home now. So far so good everything’s great *knocks on wood*. I met up with one of my best friends, Scott, who took me out for Korean food. Turns out I’ve been eating bibimbap the wrong way this entire time. No one ever told me that you mix the stuff yourself. The whole I’ve just been picking up all the toppings one by one. We ate at this joint called Pepero. It’s a restaurant and a Korean market in one.

Scott showed me around the place and we met with a family friend of his, this ajumma (“older woman” for those that have never sat through a K-drama). I told her that one of my favorite Korean things to eat was gimbap and she actually bought some for us. One of the coolest, random acts of kindness ever.

I’ve been having these recurring dreams lately. Last night I dreamt that I had a messed up schedule and was flooded with all these emails that kept saying stuff like, “You’re doing everything completely wrong,” “You have to sign up for this class, so why haven’t you” and a bunch of other stuff that would wrack my nerves if I were awake. When my dream schedule suddenly said I had to take this math course that sounded like something straight from a science fiction film that’s when I was like, “Hey, wait a second….”

Because I knew I was done with math completely. That’s when I realized I was dreaming and I woke up. This isn’t the first time that it’s happened. I’ve had a bunch of school related dreams where everything is messed up. They’re almost “Inception”-like. I’m deep in these dreams. It’s like living in some pocket world and timeline that’s separated from everything else. I’m in so deep into these dreams that the best way I can describe it is that I feel like I’ve been…”devoured” by them in some way. Like I’m completely lost. Maybe a better way to describe it is being trapped in some dream-like Limbo. Which by the way I have to tell you….it stinks.

Every time I’m in these strange “Dream Limbos” it’s never pleasant. I could be dreaming about living a married life with Colin O’Donoghue or Charlie Hunnam complete with the white picket fence or being the next published author that’s richer than Oprah and JK Rowling. But nooooooo…..

These Dream Limbos aren’t always about school though. There have been several others. During my first year at App State I remember waking up and feeling “devoured”, but I could never remember a single image from those dreams. My mind couldn’t remember, but my body knew that it wasn’t good. Was I having nightmares? I don’t even know. When I woke up I wasn’t feeling anything close to being refreshed either.

I remember these other dreams that I used to get a lot. I’m in one of my favorite bookstores, just browsing through everything, and then I see my notebooks on display and they’re for sale. I remember it clearly because it had the titles written, the same stains, the bent corners, every little imperfection was there. I remember these dreams clear as day.

I hadn’t thought of those dreams for the longest time. I remember thinking that maybe they were some sort of premonition. Maybe that even my crappiest ideas were good enough to be published and loved by people. I want to keep believing that’s the case. I’m no psychic but I’ve always believed that dreams were something that couldn’t be ignored. Especially when I started getting signs from the Universe many years ago.

But even after all this time I still can’t make sense of dreams or signs. Especially whenever I have these warped school-related dreams. Maybe it’s not a vision of the future in this case but a reflection of my current cognitive state? I don’t fucking know!!! I have nothing to help make this stuff easier to understand or anyone who can explain it to me. It bugs the shit out of me. And now that I’m thinking about all this stuff again it’s making me question everything again which really doesn’t help me.

It’s always one more mystery on top of another when I’m already confused as is. It’s never-ending. I just want things to make sense again. I ignored the signs and the dreams before. But whenever I did they would just keep coming at me nonstop. Plus they’d keep coming at greater force. Like having a meteor shower zeroed in on you at all times. So then I thought it was best to go along with it and see what happens. For the most part those signs have put me on a better path. But still there’s no end.

I used to be so good at making sense of it. But somewhere along the way I lost my way, things become more difficult to understand, and then the depression and anxiety kept getting worse too.

I knew finding my answers was never going to be an easy thing, but I am going on nine years with this crap. I want to get to the bottom of everything. I’m not okay with leaving things as they are. I’m not okay with not knowing.

I will find my answers and I will turn dreams into reality. This what I’ve decided of my own will.

No More “Matt Damon”ing through Life

As of now I am free from this summer semester. I finished my final exam for photojournalism which was only 12 questions of matching terms, short answers, and fill in the blanks whereas the review sheet made it look like it was going to be 12 pages worth of shit. I was like, “Ok that was easy….”

Then I pay my tuition for the fall. Holy hell! I hope to God my refund kicks in faster than this private loan did. Speaking of, the loan check finally made it to my Mom. But she can’t do shit about it until I get back home because apparently I have to sign it first. Meanwhile I have -$149.50 in my account. Motherfucker what?!!

I can’t even buy pizza or a cup of coffee with that. Oh and I have little to no food at right now. Once again I’m in that Matt Damon situation, “I got to science the hell out of this shit!”

So I call my Mom and tell her whats up. Mostly to tell her that I need cash now! But also to let her know that I’m done with classes and I’m happy with my new home. I have farm animals that live next door to me. Cows, goats, donkeys!! The goats even stumbled into our front yard and starting eating up the grass. I’m like, “Welp….there’s our lawn maintenance right there!”

I dropped a class that was in my schedule in favor of something better. I got a full schedule that’s worth 12 credit hours, but I put myself on the waiting list for this one class that’s required for my degree. I hope to get into it so I can drop one class that I added as just a filler. Other than that, it’s a nice looking schedule. Tuesdays and Thursdays are going to be my light days and I’ll only have to go to one class on Fridays so that’s almost a free day!

My financial aid is finally back to normal! No obstructions whatsoever! Those guys at the main office had me doing all sorts of circus acts just to get back on their good side! I feel like I did everything except take part of an Pagan orgy just to get that cash to payback my Mom.

Finally I feel like I’m crashing down completely. I’m finally feeling full blown exhaustion from these last three months. I had to power through this shit and act like it wasn’t phasing me one bit. Now is the part where I fall to my bed and feel like dying. Metaphorically, not suicidal.

I miraculously managed to scrounge up what food I did have left over and make some udon noodle soup. Which ended up tasting kinda bland. Not my best work. My defense I had no soy sauce and no money to get some. Oh and I managed to burn my hands with the soup being scalding hot. I was so hungry, I rushed to get the bowl to the table to eat, and the next thing I know I feel the soup splash into my hands. I rushed over to the sink and washed them under cold water. I filled up this large bowl with ice water and kept my left hand plunged in it while eating my bland noodle soup.

The money my Mom deposited doesn’t kick in until tomorrow morning. Who the fuck makes up these stupid processes? Money should be made available ASAP. I’m ranting. Clearly I’m ranting.

Anyone whose read one of my previous posts, “Being Real” will get this reference. The last few days I felt familiar knots being tied up in my stomach and sense of dread hanging over me. I felt like I was getting ready to deal with my personal Babadook again. Remember that? I panicked because I was afraid to open up some emails, go online to pay my tuition, or do anything else that any normal person is able to do without any kind of problems? That’s what was going on in my mind. It didn’t help that I was dealing with one big assignment after another until recently. I had it in my mind that I missed the tuition deadline like I did before even though I have been keeping up with my student email this entire summer. Universities have to deliver a warning that says “Your classes are gonna get dropped if you don’t pay up now.” I didn’t see anything like that in my inbox, but I still felt the dread.

The Babadook is speaking to me, feeding me more distorted lies…

“It’s over…”
“You’ve lost…”
“It was all for nothing…”

In my mind I balled up both my fists and punched the shit out of that son of a bitch and watched him fall down hard like a tower of bricks. Then I went on and did my thing, knocked down every thing that blows my anxieties out of control.

Final exam. Done.
Call up Mommy for money. Done
Return my one textbook. Done
Tuition payment. Done.
Schedule change. Done
Add/wait list another class. Done.
Contact a soul sucking professor that I’m not crazy about so I can make up for bombing her class. Done.

If I could, I’d be eating the biggest slices of pepperoni, mushrooms, black olives, and banana peppers right now. Then chase them down with beer. I still think beer tastes like bottled up piss but it still gets the job done. Makes me chill the fuck out. Until I’m at a point where I can stop pinching pennies I have to hope that my noodle soup keeps me full for the night. Otherwise….I got a box of Cheeze-Its that are somewhat stale that I can down.

I feel like this was the summer that I rocked the cliche of a starving artist and college student. It’s not like I embraced it by choice though.

I go back to my hometown on Thursday. Tomorrow I want to have one day of peace to myself before going back, dealing with parents and cousins that ask one too many questions, a father who sucks the life out of the room and gets pissed off drinking water, and being surrounded by a bunch of kids who are obsessed with bunnies, Skylanders, and fidget spinners. By the way I fucking hate those things. That shit doesn’t kill anxiety. That’s what nutella is for!!

Oooo Nutella…..*finds a jar and digs in*

While I’m at home though I’m gonna chill and finally take the time to enjoy the things that make me fucking happy.

1. Spending time with my cousins and their kids.
2. Playful bickering with my Mom
3. Watching WWE events. I waited a VERY long time for NXT Takeover Brooklyn and that Mae Young Classic goddamnit!!
4. Binge watching Once Upon a Time. I’m working on a story that involves fairy tales for inspiration. So I’m marathoning the show and calling it research. When in reality I’m oogling Captain Hook. Colin O’Donoghue….*fans himself*
5. Going to G Mart. I’ve been craving the Korean food there for weeks. I want bibimbap, gimbap, bulgogi, japchae, all of it!!
6. I want to sit down and keep writing the things I love writing about nonstop without having anything hang over my head for the next two weeks.
7. Get back into gaming. Preferably get into a title that’s not Persona 5.
8. Eat food that I didn’t buy with my own money because parents can’t do shit to stop me so I’m gonna take advantage of it because I’m sick of ‘Matt Damon”ing my way through life!! No!! I want to Homer Simpson through the buffet lines! Shamelessly stuff my face like Pam Poovey! And make food that’s so good that it drives a person into a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy that’s so intense that their clothes will explode like in Shokugeki no Soma!!! And that’s what will get me a spot on Chef’s Table….

Good times are about to be had. Now is a good time to sign off. I just finished the last of that nutella. Now after all that food talk I’m probably gonna go ahead and finish off those Cheese Its.

Later days

Summer Semester/Sandpaper Dildo

So I was on edge because of this big ass photo story assignment that we were supposed to do. I had ideas on what to do, but things didn’t go as planned. I had a Plan B in case my original idea didn’t work out. And when that didn’t happen I had to resort to a Plan C. Rare situation I find myself into, believe it or not.

So I did the assignment in the best way I knew how. The instructions weren’t so clear and it didn’t help that I had a lot going on in my mind because a day without anxiety and depressing thoughts is asking for too much it seems.

Taking the photos wasn’t the hard part. Once I had something to capture in photos I figured the worse was finally over. But no….we had to take those images and put them in a multimedia slideshow, whatever the fuck. Which was supposed to include a video, music in the background, and images that tell a story.

What was my story? My roommate cutting hair. That’s it. Oh and the music had to be royalty free. So no popular music. I hated all that generic shit that was offered so I opted for a track from one of my many video game OSTs that I have in my collection. The professor said no popular music. Not everyone is into video games the way I am.I know what the track is, they weren’t going to know shit (seeing as though they’re a bunch of mindless zombies anyway). So technically I didn’t break any rules. Besides it’s not as though as I though I’m gonna claim ownership of the music anyway and get anything out of it.

Finally presentation day…

I uploaded my completed assignment. It’s shit, but I uploaded it anyway. I’m trying to keep myself in check. Then everyone else shows their presentations and of course they do a much better job then I did. And that’s when my insecurities are stirring up inside of me like this monstrous whirlpool. Now I’m dreading having my stuff shown to the entire class. But as it turns out I didn’t have to. Because I didn’t upload it properly. Yeah…there’s a proper way to upload it….MOTHERFUCKER WHAT?!

My presentation didn’t include a video of anything. All it was a boring, tacky photo slideshow with music from Shoji Meguro (composer for the Persona game series, for you non-gaming nerds reading this) playing in the background to give it some beat.

So after returning the camera gear the professor opted to let us leave early because what else is there left to do? I was able to upload my assignment in the “proper way” and not have to worry about it being shown to the class. So I dodged a bullet there. I can put it in the back of my mind while I focus on my final exams and finally kiss this summer semester goodbye.

It’s been one thing after another. I’ve been challenged mentally and emotionally. To quote Deadpool, “It’s been as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.”

So I didn’t get to do the good work that I would’ve like to have done on my photo assignment. But at least I tried. At least I turned in something. A half ass, crappy looking something is better than having nothing at all. And during those presentations in class I gave myself a pep-talk inside my mind.

“Yeah yeah, shit happened. So what?”
“This bitch isn’t gonna flay you alive for doing something.”
“You did the best you could have done.”
“Her instructions were complete bullshit anyway.”
“You can beat yourself up and feel like crap about everything or you can just say ‘Fuck it’ and move on.”

So I said “fuck it” and I choose to move on. Plus despite how tough this summer semester has been there’s been a lot of good that’s come out of it. That’s what I choose to focus on.

Let’s list out the highlights of summer 2017.
1. I got the help I needed in counseling.
2. I dealt with the financial crisis and got the money needed to pay back my mom.
3. I came back from my previous failures and I still have a shot at graduating in spring 2018.
4. I made the choice to live even though there were moments where I wanted to curl up into a ball and just die.
5. I’m done with my math. That’s a huge victory for me.
6. I moved out of the Cottages of Boone.
7. I got the house that I wanted and was able to move into it.
8. I have come out of my shell a little bit. I can’t deny this.
9. I didn’t quit or run away from anything despite whatever fears almost crippled me.
10. My academic standing is improving. The probation isn’t gonna stop me now.
11. I did enjoy taking photos. So I brought an old hobby back to life.
12. I’m writing again.
13. I’m still alive.
14. I’m going home to see my family again.
15. I’m getting a clean slate for the fall semester.
16. Fall is coming….pumpkin spice everything, cooler weather, better clothes to wear, new releases of games, new premieres of everything, more WWE events.
17. My new manager whose renting the house is cute….
18. My so called “Demons” have grown weaker. They are losing their power over me.
19. I powered through a lot of things that kept challenging me.
20. I played the shit out of Persona 5. I got the Compendium completed, mastered the social links, beat the shit out of those twins, wasted the reaper, and I’m two trophies away from my first platinum ever.

This second session is about to end. I didn’t do as well as I would’ve liked to in photojournalism, but I stuck it out to the bitter end. I still have the other class that I know I passed. We’re writing op-eds and being given extra credit for submitting it for publication. The professor in that class really likes mine and is encouraging me to submit it. I think I just might because that would be cool for me.

I didn’t get everything I wanted from this summer but I’m going to press on and work even harder than ever.

Here are my intentions that I share with the Universe.

1. I will continue to live.
2. I will graduate in spring 2018.
3. I will keep getting better.
4. I will continue writing.
5. I will keep cooking.
6. I will keep taking photos.
7. I will go back to loving films and anime.
8. I will keep gaming.
9. I will break out of my shell and smash it completely.
10. I will become more beautiful than I already am.
11. I will find that special someone to love and share my life with.
12. I will make my life better than it is now.
13. I will have a life where I don’t have to struggle and fight against myself or anything else.

It won’t be easy. But I know that I have the ability to make it all happen. I refuse to back to the way things were before all this.

An Update on My Life

So, I finally did it. I moved into my new home, Sparonest. Yay!! I was the first to move in and get set up. It was an eventful day. It was such a rush to pack up all of my stuff and leave the Cottages of Boone. I gave the main office both middle fingers as I left for the new house.

My parents got to see the inside of the place for the very first time. My mom loves it. My dad on the other hand…he fucking hates it. It was a constant bitchfest with him. Of course, I expected nothing less from my old man. He is the type of guy that gets pissed off just drinking water after all. He stubbed his toe twice while walking around the house. I don’t feel sorry for him. His own fault for having two left feet and zero patience for anything.

I had to downsize like 60% of my stuff when I moved in. I took what I needed and would make the most use of and gave the rest to my parents for them to take back home. I have the smallest room with a slanted ceiling in the second floor, but that doesn’t bother me. My roommates are already super cool. My female roommate has been so nice to me and she helped a lot when it came to organizing the room and settling some of my stuff in other parts of the house. She’s got a cat who’s a little attention whore, but I’m actually grown attached to the little fur ball.

My other roommate has a big ass dog. Remember watching the original Ghostbusters film? Remember Zuul? Yeah, he’s that big. And he’s only 16 months. But he’s not a bad dog. He’s all right.

Oh yeah and my manager is a total cutie. Both me and the chick wanted to seduce him. Sadly, though it appears he’s taken. But hey, I can still dream.

I love it here. It’s only been a little more than a week, but I’m already a lot happier here than I ever was at the Cottages. I’ve washed my hands clean of that place permanently.

I’m almost done with this summer semester, thank God. This entire summer has been nothing but madness. The only thing that can make up for that is pumpkin spiced everything, cooler weather, and not having to deal with the constant time crunch of assignments in a five-week session.

I still have my moments where stress and anxiety build up. I’m doing the best I can to power through it all. It doesn’t help that I concluded counseling offered at the school. Plus, the stress of moving and the constant photo assignments. I’m a little behind with my photography, but mercifully my professor isn’t a complete monster and she’s offering me the chance to turn in my stuff late. Right now, that’s my primary stressor. There was also the matter of my tight financial situation. But it’s finally getting better. My private loan refund is finally kicking in so I can pay my mom back the money that I owe her and I go back to using financial aid like I normally do. That was giving me the most problems.

Now all I have left to do is to power through the rest of this summer session and complete the rest of my photo assignments. I do love taking pictures, but I hate the technical side of it all.

“Remember everybody to go at it through this angle. Don’t use that setting, use this setting. Make sure that flash bounces off the wall. Your photo better includes a living subject, but no felines! Humans only!”

Gimme a fucking break…

It doesn’t help that I got slim pickings for photo subjects. Boone is a small town after all. How small? I’d say as small as ET’s nonexistent nut sack. But I’m going to manage something. I’ve been through worse challenges after all. And it’s almost time for the fall semester. I just need to grit my teeth and power through things until then. I’m tougher than I was before. And I continue to keep getting stronger with the positive momentum that I got building up. I refuse to go back to the person that I was before any of this. I’ve already come too far.

So that’s where I am in my life right now. Update complete! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna cook some tuna fried rice and get my photo equipment ready for tomorrow! Later days!

I Survived The Cottages

There should be t-shirts that read, “I survived the Cottages of Boone”. Tomorrow is the big moving day. From Cottages to Sparonest. Naturally my anxieties were acting up earlier. I was suddenly dreading that something was going to go horribly wrong. I’ve had this feeling for I don’t know how long. A feeling like I’m always missing something or that I’m doing something wrong even after I’ve done everything that I was supposed to do.

I texted the managers with my concerns and mentioned that I was feeling jittery and the dude called me back. He was actually concerned. To my surprise I’m like, “Son of a bitch, he’s a human being after all!”

I will be the first one to move in so I will have the place to myself until the day after when roommates start coming in. So I’m calm now after the manager answered the questions that were nagging at me today. But damn….I can’t believe I still have trouble with stuff like this.

Last week was my last counseling session so I feel like I have to fend for myself. I can’t help but feel like I have to keep my guard raised at all times. A big reason being is that I’m just not used to things going my way. Plus moving is a big thing for me. The whole thing has given me cold feet from the very beginning. It’s been one nerve wracking experience after another since this entire summer began. Part of me still feels trapped in darker times before that too. So this move is really the big step forward that I needed. Finding the place and applying for it wasn’t enough. I need to move in to make it feel official. Maybe then I can give myself permission to be happy.

Watch me go out of my way to get some sage or holy water to do a blessing on every square inch of this house. I’ll be doing the same chant the old Uncle in “Jackie Chan’s Adventure” did. Anyone know what I’m talking about?

Yuumo gwei gwai fai dee zao…and then he’d repeat this in a loop. I should probably make it into my own mantra for the shits and giggles.

I’m going to make my intentions clear to the universe. I want to produce all the good that I can to outweigh all the bad. I want my last year at Appalachian State to be a positive one. And I want to find the thing that makes all the struggles worth it. I will make it my mission to assure that things don’t return to the way they used to be. And whatever challenges stand in my way I will show it NO MERCY.

Tomorrow will be the official first day of a better life. Now I’m gonna go back to packing up my things before I jinx things. Later days!

FML

So I finished my first summer session on a positive note and I was like, “Yeah!! You can’t my kill my chill!”

So I figured that things can only get better from there. After all one of the things I’ve been trying to do lately is to get the idea of “I’m not allowed to be happy” out of my head.

I had to file for an appeal with the financial aid office before I left home for the brief break. They wanted documentation that I was getting help for my problems with my appeal form. So I did all that. I turned it in on the morning of my final exams. Then when I get back I get the news that my appeal has been approved. Naturally I jump to my student page and get ready to accept the awards offered. I do all this only to find out….there’s nothing there.

So I go to the office to ask what went wrong. I didn’t miss anything. I spoke with someone different who provided me with new information. Turns out that there’s nothing offered to me in the summer now because my loans were maxed out during an earlier semester. Something that the women I spoken with before never mentioned at all because I spoke with her about a separate issue. It’s going to be like this until the fall starts up. Provided that I sign on for an appeal again.

So now I’m forced to apply for a loan outside of school. I’m pissed about what I found out at the office, but I powered through it and applied for that loan online. I even get my mom to cosign for me. I already get the news that I’m approved. There’s nothing else for me to do except wait for the school to give it certification, whatever that means.

But of course none of this is good enough for my mom. Nope. Suddenly she’s flooding me with new questions. The loan I applied for was to pay back my mom for paying the tuition. That’s all I’ve been wanting to do since this summer started. But now she’s asking, “What about your rent money?” “What about food?”

She’s asking me questions that I already gave to her before I even signed on for that stupid loan. I told her, “Financial aid can’t give me anymore money until the fall starts up.” “The loans were maxed out.” She had no problems understanding any of this the first time I said this to her now she’s confused. So I’m on the phone with her and feeling attacked that all the work I’ve been putting into this hasn’t been good enough. Now I’m pissed at her.

I have five days until I move into the new house. Three weeks before this summer session ends which is the time I’ll need for that new appeal. I currently have like $28 in my name, a scarce food supply, two classes to juggle, no friends in Boone, but tons of stress. Perpetual, mind numbing, soul crushing stress.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve had even a little bit of peace. Just when I think I’m making progress and I’ve hit a break I keep hitting a new wall that obstructs me or a new wave of emotions and thoughts that keep trying to crush and consume me. Just thinking about everything makes me want to ditch class just so I can take a 12 hour nap. But now if I go ahead and call a personal day just to recharge my batteries then I’m repeating the same thing that I would do when my depression is at it’s worst. I’d be doing the very thing that put me into this mess in the first place. Only reason I’m even able to take the time to write this now is because my professor cancelled this morning class.

At first I thought I was just pissed off at my Mom and her constant questioning. Now its everything. I’m getting triggered again. I let the Universe know my true intentions and I follow through with actions. I put in all this work, I’m snapping out of this depressing funk, but it feels like nothing I say or do is good ever good enough for anyone.

What sucks even more is that I have nothing else to do except to go forward, knowing fully well that things won’t get any easier. I need some time to think.