Creative Binging

My creative mojo has hit a nuclear spike these last couple of weeks. I’ve been drafting nonstop for several different projects. I’ve been recluse to my own fantasy universe that comes with it’s own calendar (and the days in a year add up to 765), a whole new religion, a hierarchy of higher powers, monsters, superheroes, brand name products, planets, cities, and so much more. Oh and of course there’s the characters, their family trees, their great ancestors, and their many enemies.

There is a lot of chatter and noise building up in my head. It’s no wonder why most writers became alcoholics.

I’ve been going at this so hard that I felt like my braincells were catching fire. The humidity in Boone doesn’t help much either. I’m all over the place. There’s no organization to what I’m doing at all. But after being stuck with an endless dry spell of ideas and writer’s block built from my own insecurities I’m not worried about organizing anything. I’m just having fun creating one thing after another. I’m learning to respect the process in a way that I didn’t before. And I’m changing somehow.

Before I kept telling myself that I couldn’t be a halfway decent writer. I kept feeding myself a bunch of lies.

1. “My ideas aren’t good enough”
2. “There’s always someone better than me”
3. “I’m never going to be good enough.”

And the older I got the more I started thinking about how every story idea I’ve ever had had been put on the back shelf and I’m thinking, “Tick tock. Time’s running out on all your dreams.”

The more I write the more I feel like all the lies are becoming undone. All the negative thinking is being tossed out like garbage, all the damage that was done because of it is being restored, it’s like my brain is getting rewired or a complete reboot. I haven’t felt anything like this happen in years. The writing is healing me, it’s helping me make sense of the world, and it’s helping me do away with all my anxiety and depression.

Maybe the writing done here for the last couple of months has helped me in more ways than one. I started posting here so that I could better deal with everything that was going on in my head after being silent for so long. Now that things are better should I stop writing here?

Don’t know where that thought came from. It just popped in there. It’s too soon to decide anything drastic. For now I just want to keep the creativity going. I want to see where it takes me.

Until then, later days.

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The Fox and the Blue Bird

Remember when I said that I get signs from the Universe? These signs will come to me in a variety of forms, but no matter what the form it takes it will always get my attention. It’s very rare when they come to me in my dreams (even with the Dream Man), but that’s what happened.

I dreamt that I saw a blue bird and a fox. They came to me in separate scenes. First I saw the blue bird. It’s entire body wasn’t blue, just its wings. But my my mind registered it as a “blue bird” even though the rest of it was black. I was in someone else’s backyard and there it was. It flew and landed on the ground before me.

A little bit after that I saw a fox. Again, I was in the backyard of someone else. I remember because I saw laundry being hung out to dry. I was sitting on this back porch and this fox just walked up to me. It stared at me for a while. And then it helped its way into the house since the backdoor was opened. Someone made a comment about the animal, but they weren’t worried about it coming in. It came out the backdoor almost as soon as it went in. I remember this fox was smiling at me. It smiled at me the same way my favorite dog Jewels would.

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As soon as I was able to wake up I went ahead and looked up what symbolism that they hold.

As far as the blue bird is concerned it’s a definite sign of happiness, a spiritual freedom, and psychological liberation. It coincides with some of my more recent posts. So I can’t ignore it. And I certainly cannot deny that I do feel better about a lot of things. I’ve been tight lipped about it. But I really do feel great. ev

But then there’s the fox. Generally the fox is supposed to represent a tricker. But then things got complicated when I kept seeing different scenarios involving a fox like, “If you dreamt that you killed a fox…” or “If you domesticated a fox…”

In this dream I wasn’t scared of the fox that I saw and the fox smiled at me like Jewels used to which makes me think that it was genuine. I honestly don’t know what to think of it. I’d prefer to not believe that there’s a trickster in my life or that there’s going to be one in the future. I’m just coming out of my shell here and getting past my trust issues. I don’t want to be suspicious of every person I come across now. That’d be like taking ten giant steps back when I’m finally making good steps forward.

Because I had a pleasant experience of looking at the fox then its supposed to mean that positive changes are afoot. I want to believe that this is true. The way things are going now even if there is a trickster somewhere in the foreseeable future he or she cannot undo all the good that’s happening right now unless there are something other than human.

So the better part of my day has revolved around trying to interpret this dream because evidently the Powers That Be seem to think that I’m some walking supernatural braintrust. Oh yeah and while I was waiting for the bus this morning I saw a butterfly for like the millionth time since last year. Except during this time last year the butterflies were dark colored and now they’re getting brighter colors. I keep getting a strange feeling overtime I see one.

Symbolism behind that revolved around resurrection, moving through different phases, transformation, and the world of the soul. “The world of the soul….” What, like the human unconscious? Great, then I’m officially living in the world of Persona then. Maybe I’ll become a Phantom Thief of Hearts. Wonder what my costume would be like? Or my Persona for that matter….

Nerd moment’s over!! Focus!! *slaps himself silly*

So yeah that’s happened. The signs have been very active this past year. Things started off bleak before, but if I’m reading these signs properly then things can only get better from this point on. That’s all fine and dandy, but that doesn’t change the fact that every time I get these signs I’m always left confused trying to make sense of it all.

I guess I’m supposed to just walk on faith and risk total annihilation. I’m just afraid that if I interpret things in the wrong way then…I’ll be punished somehow, all the progress I’ve made will become undone. I’ve had this irrational fear before. Maybe this is all so I can conquer it. I can rule out the “Dream Man” coming to find me. If I start thinking about stuff like that now then it goes against what I had posted over the weekend. I still need to focus on me. I need to focus on loving myself more. I need to get to the point where I can say, “Hey! I’d date me!”

It’d be so much easier if I had some kinda guide for all this. *eyes roll* But nooooooooo…..

Anyway that’s it for now. I’ll figure something out. Someway, somehow.

My Dream Man

It’s a quiet and lazy Sunday here at the Nest. The leaves are falling down, the wind is blowing, the weather is finally calling for long sleeves, hoodies, beanies, and long pants. All of which are my favorite things in the world to wear. I’m doing all that I can to keep myself from drowning in my own thoughts.

I’ve splashed my hands in peppermint oil. I’ve got the soundtrack from Nier Automata playing as I type. I’m brainstorming how to properly word how two lovers actually “Netflix and Chill” in a story that I began writing two weeks ago and left at 593 words. I’m choosing to write when I could be studying for this exam that I have tomorrow afternoon.

The last few days have left me in a daze and I’m doing everything that I can to bounce back from it so I can regain my senses. A few days I posted about how I have this crush on one of my professors. And then I started to think about all my other failed romances. And how at one point there was this recurring dream I’ve had where I did meet the love of my life.

This “Dream Man” is nobody that I know in real life. But he started appearing in my dreams years ago. I can’t quite make out the details of his face. The memory of it is really hazy. But I remember that he was taller than me. He had to be at least 6″0 or 6″1. His skin tone was tanned and light brown colored. I think he was Hispanic or some Mediterranean descent. He had dark hair cut at a short length. His body had a muscular, lean build to it. I remembering imagining him as a swimmer or a runner during his high school years.

I remember the warmth I’d feel when he took me into his arms and held me. I remember the way his lips tasted like something sweet. I remember him always assuring me in those dreams that everything would turn out all right in the end. I remember always feeling happy with him. I remember feeling safe. I remember the whole thing felt like a fairy tale.

I’d imagine the dates we’d have. A walk through this grand aquarium, enjoying ourselves to frequent coffee dates, having a boring evening at a home we’d share together, and how we’d reach the “happily ever after” we both wanted for ourselves.

The dreams and the images came to me after I tried killing myself and I was done with therapy back in 2009. Before that I had the worse luck with romance. But I felt in my bones that this “Dream Man” was the one for me.

I remember thinking that he would be reward if I kept improving myself, if I never fell back into depression again, and if I chose to stay alive. I remember how badly I wanted it to be real. I remember thinking that if I found this “Dream Man” then that would be that; the end of my long journey, the magical solution that would end all things depressing and painful, and that I’d finally be at peace. I’d finally be allowed to be happy.

At some point those dreams stopped. But I still retained those daydreams of date nights complete with dinner and a movie, laughing at corny jokes, fighting over dumb stuff like any normal couple does only to have great make-up sex later.

I still yearn for the “Dream Man” to come into my life and all that comes with it. But now I’m beginning to think that all this time I’ve been wanting it for all the wrong reasons.

I’ve been coming to terms with a lot of things since I started up this blog. I had to pick myself up to go to therapy, to go to class, do the work that needed to be done. I’m the one that found the house to move into, I found the roommates, I was persistent in moving into someplace better than the Cottages. I fought off my “Nightmare Syndrome” day in and day out. I fought my own battles and saved myself. And this isn’t some recent epiphany. I’ve been managing to handle myself for a really long time now, even before coming to Boone. Whereas before I thought I needed someone to save me from my predicaments; mental, emotional, or otherwise.

But no. I managed to do a lot of things on my own when I remember the times where I couldn’t do simple, ordinary things that people unlike me have no problems doing at all. Like learning to cook, being able to write, being able to take chances and go for things. These were all things that I thought were impossible to do at one point. But I made them possible.

Yeah I’ve had my ups and downs, but it made me a better person. It made me stronger. It made me wiser. All that I experienced after the suicide attempt accumulated and made me into the person that I am now. I thought I had that lost that part of myself when I first came to Boone, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. That’s the “old self” I spoke of before. I never lost it. And that proves that I’m not broken or damaged in the way that I convinced myself that I was. And it means that no matter what comes my way I will be all right, with or without my “Dream Man”.

And as for him…I’m going through a lot of personal changes right now. I need to stay focused on me and keep getting better, stronger, and wiser. Because in all honesty the way things are now I wouldn’t date me. Which makes it more crucial that I stay focused on me and work on self love. That’s all I got to say.

I Face Myself

It’s Fall. So that should mean a guarantee of cooler weather and pumpkin spice lattes, right? That’s the ideal scenario but here I am chilling out in the campus library, waiting for the temperature to die down so I don’t have to be sweating buckets while walking from my bus stop to the Nest (my Boone home) while sporting my blue varsity jacket, which by the way I think I look pretty fucking cute in it.

I’ve had quite the week. My anxiety levels were kicking in. And was it for good reason? Nope, of course not. I was feeling down, my symptoms were acting up, and everything from my house work to my school assignments felt like these daunting tasks to take on yet again. Yup, they became monsters in my head that I had to put down. For those that have been faithfully following me since the summer time, remember that post “Being Real”? Where I compared my anxieties to fighting the actual Babadook? Yeah it was kinda like that. It wasn’t as extreme as that time, but it still had some force behind it.

So yeah, that happened. But I powered through it and lived to tell the tale. I still have some work to catch up on for one of my classes, but the teacher is very cool and understanding. There’s a box of fresh baked cookies in her immediate future, I guarantee it.

I was able to get some writing done over the last few days. And not just for one story either. There’s no outlining or anything. I’m flying by the seat of my pants with these drafts that I’m writing and I’m loving it. It is such a rush to rack up the words. What’s even better is that I’m finally able to cancel that part of my brain that’s always casting judgements that kept obstructing me. I’m writing like you would be dancing in a room like there’s nobody watching. It’s liberating! And it’s because I’m at the point where I can finally do it for myself. I’m beyond wanting to impress anyone. If only I had this mindset a long time ago. Things would have been wildly different I’m sure. But better late then never.

I don’t want to get into exactly what it was that triggered my little mental crisis because I was painfully aware of how dumb it was. My inner “Mr.Monk” came out to play. But I can take pride knowing that I’ve gotten stronger. I chastised myself about how foolish I was being and that going through it meant that I was weak. That I had been breaking apart again.

A bunch of interesting stuff came to mind when I realized that I’m never going to be Mr.Perfect, I can’t keep everything together, I can’t conform to someone else’s perception of what makes a functioning human being, but I don’t have to be ashamed of that. I feature two beautiful words that epitomize this concept. And a quote from one of my favorite movies.

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I’m sloppy. I’m emotional. I’m a mess. I say things that make no sense sometimes. I do things that make no sense in the eyes of others. I’m different from others. I make mountains out of mole hills. I get knocked down. I get beaten. I break down. I’m full of flaws.

But I get back up. I keep trying. I take the broken pieces of myself and put them back together. I share my stories to show that I’m still standing. I survived what I went through. I’m a better person because of it. If someone wants to take all that and call me an attention whore, someone who loves to play victim, or whatever then I have nothing but pity for that person because I cannot make them understand. My experience is my own. My journey is my own. They do not get a say in it at all. I’ve got better things to do with my time and energy then to try and make them understand.

I am who I am. This is who I really am. You can accept me, love me, as a I am or you can stay out of the way. I will stay true to myself and I will gladly live with whatever consequences come with it.

Letting Go

I had to be very careful with the wording for the title in this entry. But I’m fairly certain a few people will immediately be filled with the intense desire to break out into song, “Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore!”

There…it’s out of my system for the moment.

The last two nights I’ve been hit with this inexplicable exhaustion. It came out of nowhere and hit me hard like a tidal wave. It left me confused because the only time I had ever felt fatigue like that for no reason at all was during my bouts with depression. So it’s especially odd when I feel it and I’m not depressed at all.

I have more reason to be happy than I have in a very long time. I have a nice house to live in, I survived a grueling summer semester, I’m on the right track to make up for my past failures, I’ve made breakthroughs in my counseling, I’m getting back on track with my schoolwork, and my interests are all coming back to me in full strides.

The day before yesterday I realized that even though I was happy that I didn’t say it out loud. Then I thought back to my previous sessions where I had that mental block that I struggled with that kept convincing that I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m pretty sure that I set myself up for overthinking because not long after that the exhaustion hit me.

I also took the time to reread the previous posts I had written. Wow….I have already come a very long way. The progress didn’t come to me naturally. It had its price that needed to be paid. I’m still paying it. I almost prefer having only real life utility bills and rent to worry about.

When the exhaustion hit me yesterday I started to think of all the things that I was holding on to. Then I started to think about letting things go. The whole “Post Eclipse De-Cluttering” is still underway btw. I think that’s where all the exhaustion is coming from. I’m letting things go, I’m making up my mind about certain things, I’m pulling no punches, and a lot of stuff that used to have power over me and drove me over the edge don’t have the same influence on me like before.

So maybe I’m confusing this exhaustion with relief of finally letting go of things because as of now there’s little for me to actually worry over. I still have some things that I’m holding on to, but little by little that’s all gonna go to.

I spoke with my mom and I told her out loud, “I’m happy”. It felt good to vocalize it. It feels good to finally acknowledge it. But I know I still got my work cut out for me. There’s still a lot for me to do. I’m in a better place now. It was tough getting to this point, but it’s going to be even tougher to never go back to how bad things used to be.

Signing off now. Later days.

An Update on My Life

So, I finally did it. I moved into my new home, Sparonest. Yay!! I was the first to move in and get set up. It was an eventful day. It was such a rush to pack up all of my stuff and leave the Cottages of Boone. I gave the main office both middle fingers as I left for the new house.

My parents got to see the inside of the place for the very first time. My mom loves it. My dad on the other hand…he fucking hates it. It was a constant bitchfest with him. Of course, I expected nothing less from my old man. He is the type of guy that gets pissed off just drinking water after all. He stubbed his toe twice while walking around the house. I don’t feel sorry for him. His own fault for having two left feet and zero patience for anything.

I had to downsize like 60% of my stuff when I moved in. I took what I needed and would make the most use of and gave the rest to my parents for them to take back home. I have the smallest room with a slanted ceiling in the second floor, but that doesn’t bother me. My roommates are already super cool. My female roommate has been so nice to me and she helped a lot when it came to organizing the room and settling some of my stuff in other parts of the house. She’s got a cat who’s a little attention whore, but I’m actually grown attached to the little fur ball.

My other roommate has a big ass dog. Remember watching the original Ghostbusters film? Remember Zuul? Yeah, he’s that big. And he’s only 16 months. But he’s not a bad dog. He’s all right.

Oh yeah and my manager is a total cutie. Both me and the chick wanted to seduce him. Sadly, though it appears he’s taken. But hey, I can still dream.

I love it here. It’s only been a little more than a week, but I’m already a lot happier here than I ever was at the Cottages. I’ve washed my hands clean of that place permanently.

I’m almost done with this summer semester, thank God. This entire summer has been nothing but madness. The only thing that can make up for that is pumpkin spiced everything, cooler weather, and not having to deal with the constant time crunch of assignments in a five-week session.

I still have my moments where stress and anxiety build up. I’m doing the best I can to power through it all. It doesn’t help that I concluded counseling offered at the school. Plus, the stress of moving and the constant photo assignments. I’m a little behind with my photography, but mercifully my professor isn’t a complete monster and she’s offering me the chance to turn in my stuff late. Right now, that’s my primary stressor. There was also the matter of my tight financial situation. But it’s finally getting better. My private loan refund is finally kicking in so I can pay my mom back the money that I owe her and I go back to using financial aid like I normally do. That was giving me the most problems.

Now all I have left to do is to power through the rest of this summer session and complete the rest of my photo assignments. I do love taking pictures, but I hate the technical side of it all.

“Remember everybody to go at it through this angle. Don’t use that setting, use this setting. Make sure that flash bounces off the wall. Your photo better includes a living subject, but no felines! Humans only!”

Gimme a fucking break…

It doesn’t help that I got slim pickings for photo subjects. Boone is a small town after all. How small? I’d say as small as ET’s nonexistent nut sack. But I’m going to manage something. I’ve been through worse challenges after all. And it’s almost time for the fall semester. I just need to grit my teeth and power through things until then. I’m tougher than I was before. And I continue to keep getting stronger with the positive momentum that I got building up. I refuse to go back to the person that I was before any of this. I’ve already come too far.

So that’s where I am in my life right now. Update complete! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna cook some tuna fried rice and get my photo equipment ready for tomorrow! Later days!