Mighty Morphin’ Puffy Ranger

PuffyRangerSo the last couple of entries have been a total downer. Just when I thought I would finally be able to blog about something that doesn’t revolve around my Nightmare Syndrome, my suicide attempt, every little “Woe is Me” tale, and general disdain for the world I got blindsided by circumstances that threw me off balance completely.

This past summer semester didn’t turn out like I hoped it would. When things kicked off the worse thing I had to worry about was paying my rent and power bill. Then it was a matter of playing the waiting game for my financial aid to kick in while rationing what little funds and food I had. Other than that I had a plan for everything else.

I would stay on my medication, continue my counseling, and show my professors what I’m capable of when I’m depression-free. The Universe had other plans in mind for me. This entire month has been nothing but “Make Me or Break Me”.

After the ordeal with Nasty Nate I felt very broken. Then Stalker Boy showed up and made me flashback to it. I honestly don’t know where I’m progressing with the aftermath of it all. If I didn’t have trust issues before I sure as hell do now. There is still that apprehension that’s present in me. Like what if the next guy that glances in my general direction is another predatory prick? Are my symptoms going to act up every time someone calls me cute? This is me maximizing things. My last counseling session proved this. Remember when I thought I had PTSD? Well, I don’t. So again I maximized things. It’s always been one of my more common cognitive distortions. Mountain, molehill……classic me. Yup!

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Finally my financial worries will come to an end. Nothing is processing because all systems are frozen until Monday. So it’s just a matter of braving through this weekend. I’ve already stocked up on food that I can easily ration until then. When that refund kicks in though I am SO treating myself to sushi. Some retail therapy too is also in order.

I am happy to say that despite all that life has thrown my way this semester that I’m still standing. I got a bunch of good news yesterday on my academic situation. The odds are back in my favor now. My inner demons are getting weaker again. I’ve got my situation handled. I know that things will turn out all right in the end. I just need to do my part and give it everything that I got. But first, I need to take the time to recover from everything that’s happened. That’s the goal for this weekend.

I’ve managed to overcome my most recent challenges. But I didn’t do it on my own strength. There’s no way I would’ve been able to handle it on my own if I had kept quiet about everything. Otherwise I’d be repeating the same negative behavior that I’m trying to do away with.

So how has this month “Made Me” and not “Break Me”?

I’ve made a lot of great friends. Talking to them has been good for me. Making them laugh and being able to laugh with them has been healing for me. I haven’t known them for very long but I know that they got my back. They’ve pretty much restored my faith in humanity.

I don’t seem to have anything that’s blocking my creativity anymore. My mind is brimming with all kinds of ideas. I can practically see the words that can paint the imagery. I don’t run and hide from anything like I used to. Even when I’m in my own world and working on my fictional work I have no problems with coming back to reality.

I’ve learned that I am, in fact, funny. I am beautiful. I am strong enough to overcome whatever comes my way. Nothing is impossible for me like I had originally perceived. It’s the most magical feeling ever.  I’m not alone in anything anymore and I know I can place trust in people to help me whenever I need it.

I’m getting back in control of everything. I am regaining my power that I feared losing to my circumstances. Parts of myself that I thought were dead or dying are back in full force.

One of my newest friends goes by the nickname Phoenix and has his own guild that are named after the X-Men. I imagine that they’re a very close group of friends. My friend most definitely lives up to his Phoenix moniker. So I’m kinda following his example.

My whacky writer brain started acting up. I’ve taken the best of my major fandoms and put them together, Power Rangers and Harry Potter. I am a member of House Hufflepuff. Embracing the mindset of the Hufflepuff has been a huge help in my recovery. It’s helped me become more social and positive. It’s rewiring my brain for the better.

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Of course there are haters out there. The ones that say that Hufflepuffs are the weak ones, not up to battle like all the other houses, or whatever. Some will even say Hufflepuffs are so derpy compared to their own glorious Hogwarts House.

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I know that’s not the case, but I figured by putting the fandoms together in my brain to make a new “persona” (for lack of a better word) that it would give it a bigger edge.

I took a lot of hits this semester, but I also managed to hit back. My Nightmares were coming back to haunt me, but I was able to slay every last one of them. I was able to keep going forward with my recovery and did what needed to be done because like the Power Rangers I never gave up on the fight even when my mind was screaming at me, “They are all against you,” or “This is the end”.  What can I say other than…..I’m Hufflepuff and mighty damn tough!!

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Hence the title of this entry. I’m the Hufflepuff Ranger. Puffy for short. With my creativity, my new friends, and all the new tricks I’ve learned I never have to be afraid of any challenges that come at me or any Nightmares trying to end me. Because I will always be ready to fight back and win.

This is PenSwordAM aka The Hufflepuff Ranger signing out.

Have a lovely day everyone.

P.S.

It’s morphin’ time!!! (I’m gonna need to wear a lot more yellow from now on…..)

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Don’t Mess With Writers

Warning: I’m a writer with an Uber acid trip imagination with years of pent up thoughts and emotions. Anything you say or do is subject to material for my storytelling. And don’t think that I won’t ever remember. The inside of my brain is like hoarders loaded with memories, random facts, and god knows what that may be spawned from the primordial ooze that is my imagination.

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I Will Not Be Silent.

This is going to be a different type of entry. It’s the sort of entry I never thought I’d ever have to write. So something happened yesterday. To save myself the trouble of having to type out all the words, refer to the screenshot below of a Facebook status post I made yesterday.

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There’s the whole story. I feel disgusted, insulted, and pissed off. I can’t believe that I’d ever be on the receiving end of this bullshit. He says he’s sorry but I’m not feeling anything sincere from it. He actually thought that video was going to get a rise out of me? Give me a fucking break…

I’ve sent a report to Facebook help center, I’ve taken a screenshot of my facebook post from yesterday, I’ve told my friends about this, I am not keeping quiet about it.

I tried to be cool. I tried to be classy by not even calling out his name, but fuck all that!! I am not Jesus, I am not perfect, I will not show mercy or forgiveness. I will tell my story. You cannot silence me.

That’s it. I’m done.

 

Taming the Dragon

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Front page news WordPress readers!! I am a Hufflepuff!!!

My whacky writer’s brain has been both a blessing and a curse for me. I escaped into my imagination whenever things became too much to deal with. It wasn’t just a place where I hid myself, but also the only place where anything made sense. Things seemed less complicated.

Many things in my life serve as creative fuel for me. My depression and anxiety, memories of good and bad days, lessons I had to learn the hard way, people I knew and wish were closer to me, things I had to overcome, and all that I desire.

Like Jewels, my nephew and niece, the man from my dreams….whoever he might be….whatever he’s supposed to really look like….hence the photos of man candy below….

 

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My writer’s brain runs on auto-pilot though. During my sessions with my counselor I told him how I called my depression the Nightmare Syndrome, how everything turns into a monster that I always see with my mind’s eye, and how it seemed as though they were always destroying everything in the world of my imagining that crossed over into my reality.

We used a lot of fantasy analogy. It’s something I had kept to myself for the longest time. I was mostly embarrassed to admit to any of it. I try to keep things as realistic as possible when talking about everything, but in the end it’s my creativity that has helped me more than anything else. Before the Zoloft anyway.

The Babadook came up in my sessions. I’m sure anyone who has seen the movie can relate to the analogy that there’s a beast that lives with those who suffer from mental illness. In my case it wasn’t just the one monster. We also talked about my favorite video game, Persona and I explained to him how the characters gain their power by overcoming and learning to accept their Shadow selves.

It was my counselor that brought up the analogy of a dragon being a personification of my depression. It coincided with the Shadows I mentioned. The creature can seem frightening and its easy to believe that its always out to get us. But sometimes it’s just misunderstood. Sometimes it can be used to draw strength from and propel us to move forward.

A few posts ago I did the Persona thing. I P4’d that bitch. I had come to terms with my depression and accepted it as a vital part of myself. It helped a lot. I felt my cognition take a huge shift. The rest is history. I’m doing good, but I’m not out of the woods yet.

My dragon and I are learning to co-exist. We’re not soaring the sky, but we’re not at each other’s throats either. Achieving peaceful co-existence with the dragon and unlearning everything that’s been hardwired into my brain is crucial to this recovery.

Within my mind exists my own universe where all my imaginative creations reside. I call it The Otherverse  and I’m putting everything into it to help me deal with things. It’s not about getting published and becoming the next J.K. Rowlings. It’s about healing and learning to truly live again, learn to better love myself, and to enrich the reality that I live in as well as my mental health.

The first step to any journey is to acknowledge the moment and who you are.

To pull some quotes from Dan Millman’s Peaceful Warrior…

  1. Where are you? I am here. What time is it? Now. What are you? I am this moment.
  2. There are no ordinary moments.
  3. There is no starting or stopping. There is only doing.
  4. A warrior does not give up what he loves. He finds the love in what he does.
  5. I call myself a Peaceful Warrior because the battles I fight come from within.

Have a nice day everyone.

Here I come World!!!

P.S. I consider myself a “Hufflepuff Warrior”.

 

 

 

 

 

Is the Battle Over?

I started writing here in WordPress a year ago when I was in a dark place. I had been keeping so much inside of me that I felt like I would be driven insane. I had little hope at that time, believing that it was the end of everything for me. I thought by writing everything here that it would help me come out of that dark place, renew my sense of hope, and finally make sense of everything.

All of you readers who’ve been subscribed from the very beginning know everything that’s lead to to this point. This blog became an escape for me that proved to be one of many great tools needed to fight back against my “Nightmare Syndrome”, slaying the inner demons, and get me back on the right path.

In my first entry I had written, “By this time next year everything will be worth it”. I was sort of hoping that I’d have completed writing a novel or found the Dream Guy that I had written about. I thought that my last year in Boone would be what I had envisioned through the rose colored glasses. Those of you who’ve been reading and paying attention know that that didn’t happen.

But it was worth it. This is the recovery that’s going to stick. It’s thanks to the medication that I’ve gotten a taste of what life can be without having anxieties spiking at the smallest things, hearing that voice that always distorted my thoughts, or feeling like I am in a constant battle against the inner demons that I’ve always called “Nightmares”.

I thought about my “battles” yesterday. I thought about how great I was feeling yesterday both mentally and physically.  My body used to always feel worn down or beaten up. I was always exhausted. But now there’s none of that. The inside of my mind is so much quieter now. I have a lot more energy to burn now and able to shift focus on other things now there’s nothing to fight against.

It’s been like eight weeks of medication and powering through the side effects. I’m feeling like my real self again, but it feels so foreign to me. Even though a depression free life is something I’ve wanted for the longest time. I feel like I’m re-learning everything.

I have my life back. But are my battles over? Truly over? It feels so surreal to me.

Maybe the battles are over, but the work needed to make recovery a success isn’t. Having no more inner demons to fight doesn’t mean that I have nothing to write about anymore. But it does mean that I’m finally going to have the chance to write about something that doesn’t revolve around my personal hell.

I want to write about other things that I enjoy. Movies, anime, video games, food, what a huge nerd I am about WWE or Power Rangers, ANYTHING! Plus I have so many other goals that I want to accomplish. Finishing college is a big accomplishment. Even if I didn’t have the smoothest ride through it that experience is still mine. I can cross that off my list of “Dreams to Realize”.

I’m making my intentions clear for all to know. Just like I did with the first entry I ever wrote. Now…I take action.

Until next time readers.

Later days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ride Those Waves

So I’ve been back home for a week now. I had been meaning to write something for a while, but I was relaxing. I was in deep relaxation. Let me bring you loyal readers up to date.

 

First, I’ve graduated. I didn’t want to go through with the ceremony, but I did. I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before. But I didn’t fall asleep during the ceremony. Nope. Because I was wearing cargo shorts underneath the gown and in my pockets was my Nintendo 3DS. So the minute those long, dried, tired ass speeches started up I played the shit out of Bravely Second. I had to stay alert SOMEHOW. Then I walked. I had my picture taken a bunch of times. I came home and I celebrated with my family.

Everyone was happy for me. There was good on the table courtesy of my Tias. My cousin got me an entire bottle of Prosecco. No one is allowed to drink from that bottle, but me. ME ME ME ME ME.

And of course there was chit chat and questions. “What’s next?” “What do you want to do next?”

My answer was simple….

All I wanted….more than anything else in the world….

More than tickets to a Stevie Nicks show….More than I wanted to have a one night stand with Charlie Hunnam…..

What I truly wanted was….

TO LIE THE FUCK DOWN!!!!!

A week prior to that I had the dosage of my medication increased. I am now at 100 mg. And it’s paying off. I’ve had absolutely no intrusive thoughts at all. No anxieties acting up, no suicidal thoughts, no uneasiness at all. My serotonin levels are sky rocketing. I’m powering through the side effects.

I feel the Zoloft working inside of my mind. I feel it like a wave. It’s not painful. It’s just a wave that lets me know that it’s there. It’s gentle. I call it a Z-Wave. That’s how it all started out. But the other night those extra milligrams kicked in a big way. I experienced the freaking tsunami of Z-Waves. I felt very wonky. Not nauseous or dizzy, but just so out of place. This was two days ago. I slept it off and I haven’t experienced anything since. I’m adjusting to the full 100 mg. Last week I was on 75 mg to built up to 100. I’m feeling the difference in strength and it’s working.

From now on though I have this goal to adjust to this dosage. If my wave analogy is accurate then all I need to do is learn to ride it so that it doesn’t overpower me.

I’ve managed to make a lot new friends and I’ve reconnected with others that I deleted when the depression got so bad. The walls that surrounded me have broken down completely. There’s no noise in my mind. The fog has been lifted. And the Nightmares are much weaker. I’m finally able to write and enjoy things again. This is the best I’ve felt in a very long time.

I don’t feel afraid of anything anymore and I’m ready to do what needs to be done to turn all my dreams into a reality.