Word Crazy. Stir Crazy.

It’s been about a minute since I last posted anything on here. I’ve been back in Boone for a week now. I have not spoken a single word at any of my roommates nor give them a single glance. I do not acknowledge their existence. That’s how I truly feel. It’s not just them, but everything else in this reality that I live in. I guess you can say that I’ve escaped into my fantasy world.

I’ve been slaving myself away at my WWE game creating more superstars for my promotion. I’ve even made my own arena and “shows”. I’ve uploaded them. I’ve shared them on the CAWS.WS forum. People are actually noticing my work and downloading them. Here’s a show case of my work.

Suddenly I feel like everything is giving me ideas. Not just for my fictional wrestling promotion, but for everything else. It’s like everything my senses pick up is making me get all tingly. I sometimes feel like my cells are bursting like lightning bolts. Even more so since I’ve returned.

Other than that, nothing terribly exciting or overly dramatic has occurred. I survived the cold weather. It’s now a nice, comfortable 56 degrees outside. That’s warm for Boone, NC for those that are wondering. I thought I’d be having multiple mental meltdowns by now, but nothing has happened. I thought I’d be fighting off more bad thoughts and feelings too, but I’ve had nothing of the sort.

I’m thinking about taking this creative binge of mine to the next level. I think I’m gonna showcase my fictional writing here. The stuff I don’t plan on publishing for fame and fortune anyway. Then again anything is possible. I might be able to open up a second blog here and on Tumblr. I’ll start from there and see what develops after that. Once I have something to share with everyone then I’ll let all my followers know.

Could this be another crazy idea of mine that I might never follow up on? Or try and fail? No way to find out except to go through with it. Besides it’ll be nice to share something else that doesn’t revolve around depression or life in Boone. Or life in a reality that I sometimes hate living in.

This is the part where my ticking bomb goes off.

Later days.

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That New Year, New Me Bullshit

It is day two of 2018. I celebrated New Year’s Eve with my relatives. The majority of that day was spent in the kitchen making both croquettes and sushi. My sushi game isn’t entirely perfect, but it’s a vast improvement from where I was in the beginning. It’s a not a recipe to take lightly. A fun time was had by all.

I’m not depressed or anything. Really, I’m not. But I kept my excitement for the New Year in check while everyone keeps talking about what they hope 2018 will bring, posting resolutions and lofty goals about some cliched stuff like losing weight, finding romance, or pursuing unfulfilled goals. Your run of the mill “New Year, New Me” bullshit.

I have thought of what I want, but I don’t feel like sharing it with everyone like I normally would. Besides, let’s be real, I’ve been sharing that sort of stuff in almost every other post I’ve ever written.

When I tried writing my own list of resolutions it came out looking like something else. It looked more like a “Fuck It” List. That much I will share.

There is some shit that I’m just done with. I say “Fuck It” to all that stuff.

I’m done with the following…
-Overthinking
-Overanalyzing
-Biting my tongue.
-Being invisible.
-Being so damned mindful of others at my own expense.
-Holding back everything I think or feel.
-Caring about how others think or feel.
-Fearing consequences.

I’m like Wade Wilson. My brain is switched to “Fuck it”. More than likely I’m gonna come off as someone whose campaigning for biggest bitch of the year. I don’t even care about that. That’s the upside of getting older. The older I get, the less I care. I pulled that line from Wanda Sykes by the way. It matches my mood. I no longer possess any type of energy for any artifice or facades of any kind.

At first I thought this was depression doing the thinking and talking for me. But nope, I’m just fed up with things the way they are and how I’ve been living my life up until now.

My life doesn’t completely suck. I’ve been in tighter, uglier spots. But I’m not living the fairy tale I’ve always wanted either. If anything had gone according to plan I’d have been done with college, be a published author, travelled to Japan, and have married the man of my dreams.

Meanwhile I see everyone getting what they want because they’ve followed through on their rigid 5 year plans. Then I get so jealous that my eyes turn emerald green. Jealousy is still such a abnormal feeling for me. I had never been jealous of anyone my entire life until four years ago. I wish I could cut it out of my body like a cancerous tumor just like everything else that I don’t like about myself.

So I’m gonna take that jealousy and use it as motivation. Everything that’s ugly in this reality will no longer obstruct me, but will give me power. Whatever I don’t like about myself I will not allow it to have control over me. Doesn’t matter if it’s my “Nightmare Syndrome” or anything else.

So there’s my “New Year, New Me” bullshit. I leave you with that.

Permanence

When I was a kid I was forced to move around a lot. I was born in Columbus, Ohio but when I finished the 2nd grade my family and I moved to Illinois. It’s been so long that I barely remember the name of the place I lived in. I was only there until I finished the 3rd grade. I think the name of the town was Coal Valley. It was close to Moline. That much I can remember.

Then we moved down to the Carolinas where I’ve been living since. First it was Georgetown, South Carolina. Easily the smallest, most rinky dink town I’ve lived in. More so than Boone believe it or not. When I was getting ready to start the 6th grade we moved to a North Carolina town. The only thing I remember about this particular period of my life was this tiny crap shack apartment I had to live in and that I was enrolled in school for only a month. I can’t remember the town’s name, just that it had “Green” in it.

Once that month passed my parents secured their old jobs back in Georgetown where we returned. Mercifully our house hadn’t been sold. When 1999 hit and I was finishing up 6th grade we moved again to North Carolina. This time, it was Charlotte.

I haven’t thought about this in forever. I buried these memories a long time ago just like everything else. The times between each move were always filled with unrest. When it had been confirmed that my Dad had gotten the job in Illinois I remember seeing my Mom cry in the home office that used to be my bedroom. She didn’t want the move to happen. And she hated the house we lived in during Illinois.

I hated leaving every home. I hated having to separate from the few friends I had made. I hated having to start over from scratch all over again. I hated every big change that kept happening in between moves.

There are a few things that stayed consistent in my life during all this. The memories are slowly coming back to me.

I remember I had this pillow that I loved. There was nothing special about it. I just really liked it. I loved snuggling with it, clutching it tight like it was a teddy bear. I had that pillow with me through all my moves. I had it from the time I was in 2nd grade and I didn’t let it go until I was almost 16 years old. I didn’t care how torn up or gross looking it was. It didn’t just provide comfort but it was one of the few things that stayed with me through all 4 states. Recently I’ve noticed that I’ve been seeking comfort with the pillows I have now. Almost like I’ve regressed.

Then there were my childhood heroes; the Ghostbusters and the Power Rangers. I liked Batman and the X-Men too, but I didn’t obsess over them. I collected all sorts of toys, I recorded episodes and watched them obsessively. I even had my own story ideas based on Ghostbusters and Power Rangers that my Georgetown friends and I used to act out. We role-played as our own characters and added in all kinds of stuff. We probably crossed over our Power Rangers with Dragon Ball Z and Batman at some point. Even after moving to Charlotte I kept acting things out in a one-man show type of style. Whenever my parents or brother overheard me or walked in on me you can imagine it was quite awkward. But I didn’t let that stop me. At some point I stopped with the role-plays and I put away my toys, yet I never got around to completely growing out of things.

The move to Charlotte was the worst for me. I had just turned 14, started 7th grade, and was immediately labeled a “fucking faggot” by everyone before I even had a chance to wrap my mind around it. I knew I was different from others before then, but I didn’t place a word on it until I entered Sun Valley Middle. Those kids weren’t just monsters, but they were like prototypes to the jaded, cynical adults that I would grow to hate and never wanted to become.

At that point I kept seeking refuge in the things that gave me the most comfort and I found other interests that did the same thing. That’s when I seriously got into anime and video games. While everyone was busy reading Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings I was saving the worlds of Final Fantasy 8, The Legend of Dragoon, and Brave Fencer Musashi. The only pro-LGBT things I was watching on television back then was Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sailor Moon. If I were a lesbian I’d probably would’ve been more empowered, but I still enjoyed watching them. By this point I had pretty much cemented my status as a complete nerd.

I had a lot of story ideas in my head. I would imagine characters as if they were my real friends because they weren’t as vile and toxic as the people I knew in my real life. I did the best I could to keep it all contained within myself. I didn’t wanted to share with anyone. Whenever I did share with someone I’d soon come to regret it. So by not sharing anything I thought I was keeping those characters safe from outside interference and the toxicity that came with it.

The only friend I still have from this distant past is Ellison. We met when I was in 4th grade. Our personalities are like night and day. I know I drove him and his brothers crazy. But he still stayed my friend, we still had great sleepovers, and we had a lot of good laughs. A lot of them at my own expense. I lost contact with him for years, but got back in touch with him through the magic of social media. Ellison must’ve been a saint or a monk in a past life because how else would anyone put up with me? He’s more of a brother than my own blood.

Then I grew up. Something I’m beginning to think was a terrible life decision. Seriously…worst advice I ever followed….

I think a huge reason why I am the way I am is because of all the moving. Whenever someone asks me what my big plans are my usual response is, “Nothing really. Just gonna chill at home.”

Or someone, family or friend, suggested going out I’d shut them down, “No! I don’t feel like it!”

When it was time to move away I didn’t have a say in any of it. When Ellison and his family moved away to Maryland I was left behind. Whenever my Dad would always yell at me I always felt powerless in the same way I did when I roamed the hallways of Sun Valley and people would give me those disdainful looks. When my parents fought there was nothing I could do except escape into my own world where everything made more sense.

That’s why I decided for myself…

“I never want to go anywhere or do anything unless it’s under my own terms. No one will decide anything for me anymore.”

“If being an adult means giving up all these things or always being sad and angry about something then I don’t want grow up!”

It might be immature to think that things should stay the same, to deny changes that were inevitable to happen, but I need consistency in my life. I crave for it. What I speak of isn’t a pillow, a superhero, or any of my interests, but something else.

-I need a place of my own to call home.
-I want friends in my real life that aren’t going to disappear on me.
-I want a fairy tale romance. Even if it’s vanilla in other people’s eyes.
-I want to live life under my own terms. Where I’m happy and that’s all that matters.

Now I’m feeling like I’m off the tangent. Cue exit.

See ya.

Second Wind

This semester is coming to a close, but there is still a lot that needs to be done. For someone like me it always feels like an epic battle. The sort of battle that will either make or break things. This perception casts a heavy weight on my mind. Not to mention makes for inner demons to grow larger, meaner, and more powerful.

This time is a little different from all the other times. If any of you remember from the earliest posts I’ve talked a little bit of my spirituality, how I’ve been receiving signs for many years. These last few months have been no different. I won’t get into too much detail on how these signs came to me, but for the most part they’ve all pointed to something positive, greater, and dare I say a depression-free life, something I want more than anything.

I’m realizing now that when the signs first came to me I became passive and fatalistic. I just accepted what was presented to me without question. This set me up for constant disappointment. I expected the good things to simply be handed to me and if the signs pointed to something bad I merely shrugged and said, “Oh well. I can’t stop it from happening.”

Perhaps that’s why I’ve been forced to endure all the hardships that occurred over the last few years. It was so I’d be able to find my fighting spirit and decide for myself what I truly wanted for myself. It forced me to think differently, change my perceptions about the world around me.

There’ve been days where I felt so drained that I thought I was barely holding onto my existence by a thread. There have also been days where it seems as thought I’m not alive or exist at all. No life, no afterlife. Pure oblivion.

But the more I think about the good that is promised to me the more I feel as though I’ve gained a revitalized spirit. Simply put I’ve found my second wind. But that doesn’t mean I can relax just yet. Just because something is promised to me doesn’t mean I don’t have to work hard and pour effort into anything. I’m only now realizing this as well.

I’ve carried this perception that the dreams that I’ve been pursuing was always under some sort of time limit. I imagined the same thing for everything else as well. But now it seems as though time doesn’t matter anymore. Which means that it’s not too late.

So I’m gathering everything that’s in me. All my greatest hopes and desires, my conviction and faith, and even my pains and regrets to propel me to go forward, to empower me, and finally uncloud my eyes from anything that’s confused or obstructed me.

It feels similar to when I wrote my intentions to rise up from the rock bottom I was in back in April. There’s the sort of pain that is associated with growth. Clearly I’m not done growing yet. I’m not done becoming stronger and wiser. My challenges have yet to end.

But here is a new intention I want to make clear right now. It’s a depression-free life that I seek, but it’s a mistake to simply wait for it to be handed to me. It’s a mistake to wait for anything to be given to me like it’s a prize. Nothing that I’ve been doing has been about collecting prizes. My life isn’t a playstation game where accomplishments are measured by trophies being earned or scores being weighed. The life that I’m living now is worth more than that. The life that I seek is worth so much more. I will live as though I have the life that I want, as if all my dreams have been realized.

Otherwise I’m living like I’m always wanting something and always being cheated. I would be living life unsatisfied and feeding myself misconceived notions of how things are supposed to be. It’s no different from a smoker who tries to quit and always goes back to lighting up. It’s a bad habit I’ve carried with me for years and it hasn’t brought me any good at all. So it has to go. Just like I’ve been wanting my depression to go.

This year is coming to a close. I don’t want to start up 2018 carrying 2017 issues. This is the best way to guarantee that. I’m done being stuck in the same horrible habits and going through the same thing in a never-ending fashion. This is what’s been driving me insane. This is the very definition of insanity.

This will mark a new beginning for me and ,hopefully, be the permanent end to my nightmares. It’s possibly a huge leap. But I have to risk it. Because if I don’t make the jump now then when?

It’s now or never and I refuse to stand in my own way.

My given name is Alex. But people know me as “Pen”.

Here is the reason why I took the name Pen. It’s not just because I’m a writer or because I wanted to make a play on “pen names”. Those are factors, but not the biggest reasons why. It’s because I believe that no matter what your belief system is, whatever God you pray to, or if you believe in magic or not your fate is always in your own hands.

Every breath is like a new word. Every day is a new page. Every year is a new chapter. You are the protagonist of your own story and you write your own fate when you decide to take control of your life.

And that’s why I wanted to take on the name, so I can always remember this simple truth and stop perceiving the things I desire as impossible to have. That’s all the magic in life I will ever need.

And I’m off. Love and peace.

It’s That Time Again…

Time to brave through the academic gauntlet!! I’ve got a podcast, two articles to write, and another mammoth sized paper to finish before the Christmas break hits!! It’s going to be tough but I’m going to go all out and give it everything that I got!! Here I go!!

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To My Biggest Hater

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Dear Depression,

I don’t have to listen to a word you say anymore. I don’t need to believe anything you echo into my brain. Yeah you might be a part of me and you might be another driving force behind my writing, but that doesn’t change that fact that you are a hatchet faced lying piece of shit. You’re the part of me that doesn’t want to live and be happy because it’s easier for you to stay where you are, as you are. Stagnant, twisted, hating others, and then react like a fool when things don’t go your way. All you’ve done is weigh me down. I try to show you that life is worth living, I try to love you like all the other parts of myself, I try to convince you that not everything is all doom and gloom, not everyone is a cancerous human being, and not every challenge has to be a fight to the death. I try to show you that there is beauty in everything but all you’ve done is piss all over everything and spit at my face.

You might be a part of me, but you’re just one part that I have to live with. There’s more to me than just you. You’re not the driving force behind anything I say or do anymore. You’re not my crutch, I don’t need a crutch. I don’t need to prove or do anything for you or for anybody else. So I’m gonna live, feel good, and do the damn thing for myself. You don’t get to be a factor in anything anymore. So fuck all your noise. In fact, fuck your shit. I’m done with you. I’d love to say “It’s been fun”, but we both know that’d be a bold faced lie. This is goodbye!

Sincerely,
Alex “Pen” Martinez

A Good Note

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It’s the Monday after break and I feel like I’m not ready to take on the world and worry about what the future has in store for me. I was mighty tempted to post up a meme that said “There’s not enough coffee and middle fingers for this Monday”, but that would make for a sour way to start the week.

Whatever has me feeling uneasy I will take it head on because I’ve already learned the hard way that there is nothing to be gained from running away and hiding in my own world. As fun as it is on the other side I’m trying to create a life in this shitty reality I don’t have to escape from.

It’s now a race to reach Christmas break. Here I go!