I owe myself some kitchen magic today!! So I’m gonna cook up a storm!! Expect pictures later! By the way, this is me.
I’m ready to cook and I will cut a bitch at the same time!! Don’t play me!
And don’t I look just cute in an apron….? I digress!
It’s official. I’m a tea person now. Move aside Kermit! And now that I’ve got my tea what else can I say other than…
Writer Brain Engines, Activate!!!!
I made this tea with the actual fruit. If anyone’s curious go check out Maangchi’s cooking channel on YouTube. 최고의 아줌마.
This tea is good for the nerves….
So I was fuming after that little post earlier. Never mind the fact that I was frustrated and confused, but I was really really hungry. So I went and made myself some comfort food. Cooking never fails to be therapeutic. It’s right up there with writing.
This what I made by the way. It’s called menchi-katsu. Basically a Japanese fried meatball.
I’m not entirely sure what’s a worse life decision. Entertaining the idea of grad school, letting my hair grow out, or watching Supergirl. Then again it could be worse. I could be watching Neo Yokio….
I’m trying to be rational about all this.
I said I was sick of being a career student. That much is true. But I probably said that in a moment of weakness and exhaustion. I didn’t really think things through when I said it.
I still have that fear of starting over from scratch after graduation. I have to be completely honest here. Other than spending many years at school I have nothing to put on my resume. I’ve had three jobs my whole life and all that payment was done under the table.
I worked as an assistant for my mom’s cleaning company. I worked in housekeeping for several months before I went back to school. And I was a dog sitter for one dog (who I loved like my own child and I still miss her so much). That’s it. I didn’t apply for any job at McDonalds, GameStop, or anywhere else you’re likely to work at as a teenager.
The only thing I’ve ever wanted to do was write stories. I’m only now able to write to my heart’s content. I’m just learning how to work around writer’s block and be more honest with myself. I’m only now capable of crapping out a sentence and stringing them along without constantly second guessing myself and being mocked by the blinking cursor of a computer screen and the endless white of a blank page.
I have nothing else. I’m a decent writer with a fertile imagination, mental imbalances, and sometimes an attitude that is best described as a mean streak that’s wider than Melissa McCarthy’s backside.
So I suspended reality for like ten seconds and thought maybe grad school would help me in the long run. Plus there’s a lot that I’ve missed out on, plans I was never able to follow through on, and I thought maybe this would make up for all that. Not everything that’s gone wrong in my life is because of my stupid “Nightmare Syndrome”. It’s because I was too chickenshit to face reality, to be a grown up, to enjoy life in general. Depression is just a cop out at this point. Yes I do suffer from actual depression, but it doesn’t rule over everything. I’ve made plenty of bad calls when I’ve been completely recovered.
But let’s not forget one crucial detail. I wasn’t even considering grad school until I found about Mike. He always talked about his plans with such bravado and then he goes and follows through with it. I liked it better when I didn’t even know that he was in Boone. I got jealous. That word feels so foreign and heavy in my mind because I’ve never been jealous of anyone. When envy takes over it messes with my way of thinking properly.
I want something greater for myself. Grad school would’ve been an short cut to achieve that. But if jealousy plays even the smallest factor in making that decision then it’s not the right way to go. It’s not for me.
So there’s no reason to dwell on this issue anymore. I won’t do it. I say no to grad school. No added student debt, no staying in Boone longer than I have to, and no more living as a career student.
I want something bigger and greater for myself. Something bigger and greater than I what I have now. It’s just not going to be in grad school. Probably not even in Boone. And most definitly it shouldn’t have anything to do with an old friend sparking jealousy inside of me.
I’ll find that something greater. And I will make a better life for myself that I can be proud of and nobody else can take away from me.
Signing off now.
As of now I am free from this summer semester. I finished my final exam for photojournalism which was only 12 questions of matching terms, short answers, and fill in the blanks whereas the review sheet made it look like it was going to be 12 pages worth of shit. I was like, “Ok that was easy….”
Then I pay my tuition for the fall. Holy hell! I hope to God my refund kicks in faster than this private loan did. Speaking of, the loan check finally made it to my Mom. But she can’t do shit about it until I get back home because apparently I have to sign it first. Meanwhile I have -$149.50 in my account. Motherfucker what?!!
I can’t even buy pizza or a cup of coffee with that. Oh and I have little to no food at right now. Once again I’m in that Matt Damon situation, “I got to science the hell out of this shit!”
So I call my Mom and tell her whats up. Mostly to tell her that I need cash now! But also to let her know that I’m done with classes and I’m happy with my new home. I have farm animals that live next door to me. Cows, goats, donkeys!! The goats even stumbled into our front yard and starting eating up the grass. I’m like, “Welp….there’s our lawn maintenance right there!”
I dropped a class that was in my schedule in favor of something better. I got a full schedule that’s worth 12 credit hours, but I put myself on the waiting list for this one class that’s required for my degree. I hope to get into it so I can drop one class that I added as just a filler. Other than that, it’s a nice looking schedule. Tuesdays and Thursdays are going to be my light days and I’ll only have to go to one class on Fridays so that’s almost a free day!
My financial aid is finally back to normal! No obstructions whatsoever! Those guys at the main office had me doing all sorts of circus acts just to get back on their good side! I feel like I did everything except take part of an Pagan orgy just to get that cash to payback my Mom.
Finally I feel like I’m crashing down completely. I’m finally feeling full blown exhaustion from these last three months. I had to power through this shit and act like it wasn’t phasing me one bit. Now is the part where I fall to my bed and feel like dying. Metaphorically, not suicidal.
I miraculously managed to scrounge up what food I did have left over and make some udon noodle soup. Which ended up tasting kinda bland. Not my best work. My defense I had no soy sauce and no money to get some. Oh and I managed to burn my hands with the soup being scalding hot. I was so hungry, I rushed to get the bowl to the table to eat, and the next thing I know I feel the soup splash into my hands. I rushed over to the sink and washed them under cold water. I filled up this large bowl with ice water and kept my left hand plunged in it while eating my bland noodle soup.
The money my Mom deposited doesn’t kick in until tomorrow morning. Who the fuck makes up these stupid processes? Money should be made available ASAP. I’m ranting. Clearly I’m ranting.
Anyone whose read one of my previous posts, “Being Real” will get this reference. The last few days I felt familiar knots being tied up in my stomach and sense of dread hanging over me. I felt like I was getting ready to deal with my personal Babadook again. Remember that? I panicked because I was afraid to open up some emails, go online to pay my tuition, or do anything else that any normal person is able to do without any kind of problems? That’s what was going on in my mind. It didn’t help that I was dealing with one big assignment after another until recently. I had it in my mind that I missed the tuition deadline like I did before even though I have been keeping up with my student email this entire summer. Universities have to deliver a warning that says “Your classes are gonna get dropped if you don’t pay up now.” I didn’t see anything like that in my inbox, but I still felt the dread.
The Babadook is speaking to me, feeding me more distorted lies…
“It was all for nothing…”
In my mind I balled up both my fists and punched the shit out of that son of a bitch and watched him fall down hard like a tower of bricks. Then I went on and did my thing, knocked down every thing that blows my anxieties out of control.
Final exam. Done.
Call up Mommy for money. Done
Return my one textbook. Done
Tuition payment. Done.
Schedule change. Done
Add/wait list another class. Done.
Contact a soul sucking professor that I’m not crazy about so I can make up for bombing her class. Done.
If I could, I’d be eating the biggest slices of pepperoni, mushrooms, black olives, and banana peppers right now. Then chase them down with beer. I still think beer tastes like bottled up piss but it still gets the job done. Makes me chill the fuck out. Until I’m at a point where I can stop pinching pennies I have to hope that my noodle soup keeps me full for the night. Otherwise….I got a box of Cheeze-Its that are somewhat stale that I can down.
I feel like this was the summer that I rocked the cliche of a starving artist and college student. It’s not like I embraced it by choice though.
I go back to my hometown on Thursday. Tomorrow I want to have one day of peace to myself before going back, dealing with parents and cousins that ask one too many questions, a father who sucks the life out of the room and gets pissed off drinking water, and being surrounded by a bunch of kids who are obsessed with bunnies, Skylanders, and fidget spinners. By the way I fucking hate those things. That shit doesn’t kill anxiety. That’s what nutella is for!!
Oooo Nutella…..*finds a jar and digs in*
While I’m at home though I’m gonna chill and finally take the time to enjoy the things that make me fucking happy.
1. Spending time with my cousins and their kids.
2. Playful bickering with my Mom
3. Watching WWE events. I waited a VERY long time for NXT Takeover Brooklyn and that Mae Young Classic goddamnit!!
4. Binge watching Once Upon a Time. I’m working on a story that involves fairy tales for inspiration. So I’m marathoning the show and calling it research. When in reality I’m oogling Captain Hook. Colin O’Donoghue….*fans himself*
5. Going to G Mart. I’ve been craving the Korean food there for weeks. I want bibimbap, gimbap, bulgogi, japchae, all of it!!
6. I want to sit down and keep writing the things I love writing about nonstop without having anything hang over my head for the next two weeks.
7. Get back into gaming. Preferably get into a title that’s not Persona 5.
8. Eat food that I didn’t buy with my own money because parents can’t do shit to stop me so I’m gonna take advantage of it because I’m sick of ‘Matt Damon”ing my way through life!! No!! I want to Homer Simpson through the buffet lines! Shamelessly stuff my face like Pam Poovey! And make food that’s so good that it drives a person into a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy that’s so intense that their clothes will explode like in Shokugeki no Soma!!! And that’s what will get me a spot on Chef’s Table….
Good times are about to be had. Now is a good time to sign off. I just finished the last of that nutella. Now after all that food talk I’m probably gonna go ahead and finish off those Cheese Its.