The Balance of Two Worlds

As a writer I feel myself caught between different realms of both reality and fiction. It doesn’t help that I’m in the more practical major of journalism when my first love is fiction writing. Then there’s also the fact that I’m always creating different stories with different people and not all of them happen to take place on Earth as we know it.

I’ve always struggled with establishing order between all of it. I always felt that if I preferred one over the other that there’d be a severe penalty to pay. But now it seems like that way of thing has been wrong. Just like when I had that negative mantra of “I’m not allowed to be happy.”

Its nice to be wrong sometimes. I’m starting to find my balance. I find myself able to traverse between the different worlds. I’m able to do what needs to be done in reality and write to my heart’s content just like all the other working writers that came before me.

I’ve been writing lot of drafts lately. It feels like the gears in my mind were stuck until now. This morning I went nuts with making the details on this story world I’ve been working on. It feels great.

Now back to reality…

I got my exam back from earlier this week. I crushed it!! I totally crushed it!! I have two incompletes recorded from spring semester, but now I have chance at making things right again. I spoke with both my professors. It’s more work put on my lap, but I can handle it. I’m not the same as I used to be. So it can be done.

I want to dive in and get back to my fiction, but right now there’s only so much I can do on an empty stomach. I need to eat something!

Advertisements

Dilly Dally Shilly Shally

Random PenSword Fact #6: I have a huge crush on Ty Burrell from Modern Family and I feel no shame in it!! He’s my TV hubby!

So the weather cleared up and I cleared my little Gauntlet. It’s so nice outside that I wish I had taken the time to make a bento boxed lunch. My symptoms have calmed down. Aside from the occasional intrusive thought now and again there’s nothing to worry about.

To lift my spirits up over the weekend I treated myself to some retail therapy via Amazon, a movie night that featured lots of nice guy candy, and some cooking. I was able to do a recipe that I had been meaning to experiment with for a really long time.

21557488_1800254080266187_8993465915826178858_n.jpg

I made empanadas with curry filling. This is the first time I ever made anything from my actual heritage. I don’t know if anyone else has ever tried to experiment with this, but I can conclude that it works. And it tastes good. I had made a nice curry rice dinner the night before and had plenty of leftovers to work with so there was no real difficulty in making this at all. I’m proud of it.

Memories from the past keep returning to me. I think about that old friend and how our creative process worked. When I left I wanted to take on a different approach toward brainstorming and writing. But now I think I’m going to experiment with my methods and the old methods. If you could dive into my mind and see what goes on inside you’d see how fantastical I view the process in a way that makes the mundane process seem more magical.

I still stand by my decision to not go back to him. It wouldn’t accomplish anything. I’ve been taking what I’ve been feeling and thinking as creative fuel for my writing. I know it sounds no different from what most other writers do, but it’s a big deal for me. For the longest time I’ve been writing to escape from things instead of confronting them. That’s what makes it seem different for me. Plus it’s helping breathe new life into characters and plots that’ve been left undeveloped for so long. Old stories are reviving, getting a massive makeover, and flourishing more.

I’m not just getting memories of that old friend, but memories from different parts of my life. They’re good memories. The more this happens the more I feel like my old self again. In the good way. Before the “Nightmare Syndrome”, before I started having death wishes, and before I became so jaded and cynical. Before all the malice and sorrow. The best parts of myself are reviving and flourishing in the same manner as those old stories are.

I notice around me how people carry on and are always complaining about whatever. Here’s an example; My female roommate hates on our manager. They had a pretty heated argument a few weeks back about the house, the bills, the lease, etc. I wasn’t there when it happened. I’m kinda glad that I wasn’t. The house we live in is far from perfect, but it’s still better than the Cottages. It’s not a slum house. And this roommate keeps talking about things like the structure of the house, pointing out errors because evidently she has a more trained eye for details than I do. She hates on the manager as if he’s some evil slum lord. I understand her frustration, but flipping the house was also a first time project for the manager. At worst I say his inexperience shows. Don’t misunderstand. I like my roommate. She’s been really good to me. We’re becoming really good friends. But I can’t help thinking how this resembles my Dad’s frustration at everything.

My Dad’s mentality and frustration is epitomized in one sentence.

He gets pissed off drinking water.

He’s always been like that, and now I can’t help but see the same thing in everyone who whine about whatever. Then my memories flash back to people that I’m happy are no longer part of my life. People who exude this cancerous air when they walk into a room, always focusing on the bad, always attracting something to fuel their own negativity with their toxic auras, and then they’re left bamboozled wondering; “Why does shit always rain down on me?!”

Answer: Laws of Attraction at work. Like attracts like.

I realize that I’m happier now because I make a choice to count my blessings and not my problems. I’m collecting the silver linings, I’m accentuating the positive, and keeping it moving.

I’m getting more comfortable being in my own skin. I’m letting my freak flag fly without a care in the world. I’m happy being the person that I am and I’m happily living with the consequences that come with it. I make a choice to be happy and positive. All that noise that I’m hearing from everyone else is just “dilly dally, shilly shally”.

My depression isn’t a choice, but my happiness is. There might be a future entry there for further development. Let’s wait and see. The same applies with everything else.

Where will my creative spark take me? What other treasures are buried underneath years of memories? What else is in store for me?

I’ve got the questions. So now I’m going to go seek out the answers. Signing off.

P.S.) After watching “Beauty and the Beast” I now have the HUGEST crush on Luke Evans. Cono…que papi!! Gimme 50 Shades of that any day of the week!!

12717659_1207183255975660_2363793944292134460_n

My Creative Spark.

Random Pensword Fact #1: Yes I am gay. No, I do not worship Meryl Streep as some primordial Hollywood Goddess. No, I do not own a single Madonna CD or know any of the lyrics to any of her songs. No, I do not have every line of Mean Girls memorized by heart. I might be gay, but there are only so many cliches that I’m willing to embrace.

I’m gonna be starting things off with a Random Fact about myself from now on. Best get used to it.

I had a peaceful Labor Day weekend. I didn’t do anything special. I just had the house to myself most of the time while the roommates were out doing their own thing. That’s if you don’t count having a sickly cat as company. I didn’t do a whole lot. I binged Crunchyroll to get back to my anime-loving roots. I started up my fifth walkthrough with Persona 5, a game that’s basically my heroin. I tried cooking up something nice for myself. Note that I said, “I tried”. That part didn’t go as planned. My sushi rolls turned into a sushi burrito when I ended up overstuffing the rice. But hey, I made sure my ingredients didn’t go to waste. That same day I wanted to make croquettes. Again that didn’t go as planned. I froze them overnight and fried some of them this afternoon. It was horrible. The bread coating was crumbling and the meat was still partially frozen. I was pissed! That’s never happened to me before. I never froze them overnight but I didn’t think it would up in disaster like that. It took me a while to calm down after that.

I had an idea to make a bento lunch. I could’ve gone out and enjoyed myself on campus or on the porch bench while relaxing to one of my new books. I’m juggling Roxane Gay and Haruki Murakami, in case anyone was wondering. But with no sushi rolls or decent croquettes to show for it that didn’t happen. In the end I just stayed planted on the couch and found myself hopelessly addicted to playing more Persona 5 and sitting through the WWE Mae Young Classic, a women’s wrestling tournament. Loved all the female talent that was on display. But I swear to God if Shayna Baszler ends up winning just so WWE can pull some shitty angle with Ronda Rousey’s Horsewomen crew I’m really gonna lose my shit!! Plus I don’t like Shayna Bazsler! I saw her in The Ultimate Fighter season 18. She rubbed me the wrong way back then. She still does. She’s basically Baron Corbin with boobs. And slightly more hair on top. Which begs a question? Why doesn’t that douche heel just shave his head and get it over with? His current hairdo really doesn’t do him much good.

Whoops! That was a rant!

I also tried to write something. Actually I managed to type up 1,146 words earlier tonight. I’m pretty proud of that. I don’t know what I’m writing at the moment. I’m trying to get out of the habit of overthinking things and just fly by the seat of my pants as I write and not worry about anybody else reading it. That’s the best mindset I can go with at this point. As much as I would love to write the next best selling novel or screenplay I don’t see it happening anytime soon.

Not as long as I keep getting ideas for my own Persona, Ghost Busters, Power Rangers, my own wrestling promotion, and my own original EVERYTHING. Seeing as though I find the world to be a toxic place to live, many things are not to my liking, and I have one too many voices living in my head (126,000,000 and still climbing…not that I’m keeping count cause that’d be silly.), and there’s always something that’s fueling my neurosis.

But I have to start somewhere. I’ve had a million ideas for a million different projects that date all the way back to 9th grade and I’ve never truly acted upon them. It doesn’t help that I kept dealing with crushing self-doubt,kept comparing myself to others, and had my “Nightmare Syndrome” to contend with. I never truly acted on my creative side except in small doses. Like tiny blood spurts spitting out of a carotid artery. And even when I do manage to write a piece of fiction for myself (albeit a small piece and by small I’m talking embryo sized) I’ve never found my real voice.

I’ve only tried to mirror what I thought was the proper way. I’ve only managed to write something and project a pseudo voice for writing college papers and nothing else.

I want to do something about all of that before I go and try to score a Pulitzer or an Oscar for Best Screenplay. I got to wrestle with the reality of my situation and current skill level. And I have to do all that while dealing while indulging in my fantasy world.

I’m psyching myself up in the same way I did when I was trying to score the new house, getting better with my depression, and making my comeback with school. I’ll work my way up to the top, write for myself, improve my skills, and see if it will be the cure-all for my problems. I will not stay at some mediocre level forever. By this time next year I will improve so much that I will be ready to take on the world with my imagination. I’m taking my creative spark and letting it shine.

12802810_1216716188355700_1323268250377767612_n

Signing off with intents set! Also get used to these fancy words being presented at the end of each post. That’s also going to be a new thing from now on. Peace!

Letting Go

I had to be very careful with the wording for the title in this entry. But I’m fairly certain a few people will immediately be filled with the intense desire to break out into song, “Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore!”

There…it’s out of my system for the moment.

The last two nights I’ve been hit with this inexplicable exhaustion. It came out of nowhere and hit me hard like a tidal wave. It left me confused because the only time I had ever felt fatigue like that for no reason at all was during my bouts with depression. So it’s especially odd when I feel it and I’m not depressed at all.

I have more reason to be happy than I have in a very long time. I have a nice house to live in, I survived a grueling summer semester, I’m on the right track to make up for my past failures, I’ve made breakthroughs in my counseling, I’m getting back on track with my schoolwork, and my interests are all coming back to me in full strides.

The day before yesterday I realized that even though I was happy that I didn’t say it out loud. Then I thought back to my previous sessions where I had that mental block that I struggled with that kept convincing that I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m pretty sure that I set myself up for overthinking because not long after that the exhaustion hit me.

I also took the time to reread the previous posts I had written. Wow….I have already come a very long way. The progress didn’t come to me naturally. It had its price that needed to be paid. I’m still paying it. I almost prefer having only real life utility bills and rent to worry about.

When the exhaustion hit me yesterday I started to think of all the things that I was holding on to. Then I started to think about letting things go. The whole “Post Eclipse De-Cluttering” is still underway btw. I think that’s where all the exhaustion is coming from. I’m letting things go, I’m making up my mind about certain things, I’m pulling no punches, and a lot of stuff that used to have power over me and drove me over the edge don’t have the same influence on me like before.

So maybe I’m confusing this exhaustion with relief of finally letting go of things because as of now there’s little for me to actually worry over. I still have some things that I’m holding on to, but little by little that’s all gonna go to.

I spoke with my mom and I told her out loud, “I’m happy”. It felt good to vocalize it. It feels good to finally acknowledge it. But I know I still got my work cut out for me. There’s still a lot for me to do. I’m in a better place now. It was tough getting to this point, but it’s going to be even tougher to never go back to how bad things used to be.

Signing off now. Later days.

My Happy List

I’ve been “that guy” who talks nonstop about depression and anxiety and the things that trigger it to put me on edge. I need to take the time to get out of the darkness. I’m playing out some music that I haven’t listened to in a long time. It’s gotten me feeling all nostalgic and shit. Then I re-watched this video on HartBeat’s YouTube channel (I highly suggest subscribing) where she lists all things that make her happy. So I thought it a good idea to do the same thing. This really needs no further explanation so here I go!

There will be a crap ton of photos. Not sorry for that.

11077795_1452767905014808_721230635727062080_n

This is Jewels. She was my best friend and hands down the coolest dog in the world ever. She wasn’t my dog. I took care of her when her owners were traveling. My Mom got me the gig. I was like “What are you, nuts?! I don’t know anything about dogs! Let alone taking care of them!” My Mom said she’d help out and that the dog sitting money would go straight to me. Then I met her and it was love at first sight. She was the sweetest thing ever. And she was so well behaved too. She didn’t bark or jump up on any furniture and she listened to me as if I were her owner. I took care of her for a huge part of the summer in 2012. It was one of the best times I ever had. Taking care of her was always a joy. Especially during Christmas time. She wasn’t mine, but I loved her like she were my own and she loved me back in return. She was a better friend than anyone I had ever known. Jewels died from cancer back in February. But I have nothing but the most beautiful memories of her. Sometimes I can still smell her on me. I look back on all the times she followed me around, kept me company in the kitchen, and always rolling over the floor and asking for belly rubs. I miss her dearly. But it’s thanks to her that I realize that I am capable of loving someone other than myself and can be loved in return unconditionally.

18222187_1745033489121580_4461878858893243938_n

Coffee! Because without it I’d have no reason to get up in the morning. Wired is better than tired, twitching is better than bitching, death before decaf!

18157772_1740880012870261_4208456241160793732_n

This fucking beautiful frozen delight!! It’s like an organism that goes off in your mouth in every spoonful. Not lying!

16473703_1702594396698823_6474367841919831010_n

I love anime! Especially Miyazaki films. They’re some of the best things I’ve ever seen. Other anime titles that I love include, but are not limited to; Sailor Moon, Akame Ga Kill, Inuyasha, and The Slayers. There’s a lot more, but I want to keep this part short and sweet.

11807262_1503049913319940_4065236397170867195_o

My video game collection! I’m an avid gamer and I’m proud of it! Most people I knew from childhood were always into Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Nothing wrong with those titles, I like them but I didn’t get into them until later. While everyone was into Tolkienn or Rawling’s works I lost myself in games like Final Fantasy 8, Legend of Dragoon, Chrono Cross, Valkyrie Profile. These titles, for me, weren’t just fun games to play at the time, but I fell in love with the presentation of everything they had. Interesting characters, compelling plots (I was 14 when I played these games, shut up), beautiful music, and a worlds that I loved escaping into when reality sucked. I collect titles like they’re Pokemon and I collect game consoles like they’re the Dragon Balls! Except for Xbox One. I’m not into the Microsoft franchise and plus they don’t offer up a lot of titles that I’m interested in. And even when there is a good game coming out on XboxOne that I’d like to play it’s also available for PS4. I am a Sony boy!

12670824_1580906572200940_1280176739749686339_n

Pokemon and pocky! Because reasons….

15110376_1672484299709833_3077411415049426591_o

The WWE! I love pro-wrestling! I watched it every week as another way of escaping reality and getting out of my head. My top favorite superstars are Sasha Banks, Bayley, Becky Lynch, Sami Zayn, Tyler Bate, TMDK, The Revival, and Finn Balor (who by the way is my future husband. He just doesn’t know it yet). I especially love the WWE games because there is an entire community dedicated to creating their own wrestling promotions, superstars, championship belts, etc. This is a photo of one of my own creations that I’m particularly proud of. I want to make my own promotion and put it on YouTube, but time management is an issue. One of these days it’s going to happen. Probably with the release of WWE 2k18.

mSzhgRRh5Q7eFcFQ-TG84fWQdBfSlDv03T25nqpqxkw

Anything that came out of Dorothy Zbornak’s mouth on Golden Girls. Golden Girls in general. Shameless binging of Golden Girls via HULU….need I go on?

13346790_1607395206218743_6884651564777068421_n

Seeing random shit like this that always has my sides hurting from laughing so hard.

16997986_1712865145671748_2919814044011591555_n

Everyone has childhood superheroes. Almost everyone will say Batman, Green Lantern, or the X-Men. Yeah they’re great heroes, but for me it’s always been the Power Rangers. I’ve been with them from the very beginning (which should be a huge hint as to how old I really am). I’ve kept it a secret from a lot of people to avoid ridicule while growing up. My closest friends know about this because we’d always play as Power Rangers ourselves. We’d create our own villains, monsters, zords, and act out our own Ranger characters. This played a huge impact on my creativity when I was younger. The Power Rangers were always one of the few constant things I’ve had that brought me much needed comfort whenever I had to move away and transfer to a new school and just couldn’t connect with people. Plus getting up on Saturday mornings to catch a new episode was always something to look forward to. And yes, I’ve seen the new Power Rangers movie and I FUCKING LOVED IT!! Rotten Tomatoes and all the haters can just SUCK IT!! I walked out of that theater as a very happy vintage nerd! While I’m at it I also watched and enjoyed the OTHER Power Rangers movies from the 1990’s. YES, even Turbo! I also enjoyed the rebooted Ghostbusters movie and enjoyed it for what it was! Gonna stop here before this rant eats up the rest of the post!!

11996902_1516414418650156_3885026810955856094_n

Hand written drafts! It feels so good to work that pen across the paper and fill up the page space! I’m actually preferring that than staring at a blank Word document for hours and wanting to beat the shit out of that blinking cursor which I always feels is mocking me!!

12661767_1559103724381225_874577349735688010_n

My cooking apron! Anytime I put it on I’m like, “Yeah baby!! Let’s chef things up tonight!”

15095051_1669815876643342_8555966174671381648_n

Good pizza! Because reasons…

12540945_1554599608164970_598014139151365633_n

Snow. I know I like to piss and moan about all the things that are wrong with Boone and Appalachian State. But they do get beautiful snow. It reminds me of life in Ohio where I was born. I love playing in the snow. I love wearing my winter’s best clothing. All the best looking clothes are meant for cold weather, let’s be real. I love being snowed in and drinking good coffee and being with people I care about. I love watching the snow fall. I especially love all the summer people suffer because they can’t show off their muscle guns or bikini bods. I’m like, “Uh oh!! Time to get a personality, STAT!”

1915295_1547716638853267_6039784879935527089_n

These little guys! These are my cousin’s kids. The one on the far left is Sammy, Charlie in the center, and the girl is Katarina. I never thought I’d be good with kids. I have a hard enough time dealing with people closer to my own age. But these kids like Jewels have helped me learn and grow so much. They love me and I love them to death. One day when I was having a really bad day and the suicidal thoughts kept creeping in I got a surprise FaceTime call from my cousin and it was Katarina who wanted to call. Not to say “Hi”, but to say “Please come back! Please come over!” It made me come back to my senses. She’s a little saint for making that call. I’ll never forget the timing. It makes me want to work harder to make myself better and be there for those kids.

13230089_1599841710307426_6666125280002608789_n

Last but certainly not least is my Mom. Here she is with Jewels, spoiling her. My Mom is the sweetest person alive, but she’s also one of the strongest people that I know. If she says that I’m the strong one it’s only because I got my strength from her. She’s my biggest reason for wanting to work harder and get better. I’ve disappointed her in the past and always had a hard time forgiving myself for it. I want to stop being such a huge screw up. I want to be successful in life. I want a family of my own that she’d love to welcome into her life. I know I always have her support, no matter what. Which is why I want to keep going forward and keep fighting. I came clean to my Mom about my depression and told her that I wanted to hurt myself and die. It made her cry hearing that. It was another huge wake up call. Even if I went ahead and ended things so I wouldn’t have to feel pain my Mom, my cousins, and those kids would be destroyed. I don’t want to be the reason that they cry or hurt. I’m going to turn things around for me and them. I’m gonna fight my nightmares like a real warrior and I’m going to come out on top.

That’s all I got for now. I’m probably going to do a continuation of this list at some point because when it comes down to it there is a lot of things that make me happy. I’ve kept myself closed off from it all because I became so addicted to my own misery. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy, there are reasons to be happy all around me just like there is for everyone else. Only major difference is that those things don’t come from the end of a beer bottle, a bong, or anyone that’s lives by “hooking up” with the first person that they see.

Until then, later days!

Convincing Myself.

I got back home yesterday. Finally I feel like I can actually relax. It’s nice to be back in time for Mother’s Day. I just finished talking to my Mom about the house that I’m looking to move into. She’s excited for me and now offering up prayers that I’ll get it. She’s optimistic though. And to tell the truth, so am I.

Even so I can’t help but think as much traffic that I’ve given to the house when the ad was freshly posted the manager should just give me the keys to the place already. I had to seriously refrain myself from saying, “Show me the lease motherfucker!”

Hopefully between now and the time that I get back to start up my summer classes I will have an answer. Right now it’s a matter of killing time and keeping my thoughts and emotions in check. The last thing I need in my life is to be bordering another mental meltdown or risk a complete shutdown. So my plan at the moment…bust out some Playstation 1 classics and be the introverted, socially inept nerdy cliche that I embody all-to-well. Especially when I should be working on my novel. Ahhh procrastination at it’s finest! Gotta love it!

Maybe to be on the safe side I should be looking into another place in case I don’t make the manager’s cut. Or maybe I need to be ready to accept the reality that I will be stuck in the Cottages of Boone aka The Hidden Circle of Hell on Earth. I want to believe that I’ll get that house. But I also don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. I don’t want to imagine that this house (called Sparonest btw) will be some grand fairy tale come to life. Every time I set the bar too high with expectations, things don’t go according to plan, and then I end up heart broken.

Like when I got my acceptance letter to Appalachian State I couldn’t be happy about it because the night before that I had found out that my Dad was having an affair. Then I finally get to move into my apartment and I got stuck with the worse batch of roommates ever (which would become a repeating cycle). Then I finally started up my classes at App State only to be completely overwhelmed by everything and my best friend at the time just left me alone with all my struggles, knowing that I would’ve been suicidal. Then I obsess over these things and think back to all the other things that aren’t so great in my life, stuff from the past that I have no control over, stuff I blame myself for. It’s not all just a bunch of general anxiety wreaking havoc on my mind.

These years haven’t been so kind to me. Blah blah blah, what doesn’t kill you is supposed to make you stronger. I don’t feel very strong. Not now and not back then. I felt defeated. I felt like crawling into a hole and wanted to die. And then just when I have managed to pick myself up I’m still a shell of my former self. I’m this jaded, cynical, untrusting version of myself that I don’t like, feeling so damaged, and filled with destructive malice. The only good that’s come out of that bad package is that it’s given me plenty to write about. I’m trying to take what’s gone horribly wrong and make something positive out of it.

But the absolute worse part is that somewhere along the way I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy. I feel like I can’t go back to the person that I was like before any of this happened. And then when something potentially good comes my way I’m always questioning myself. I ask questions like, “Do I really deserve this?” “Can I be happy?”

This is what I struggle with now. Especially with this house deal or trying to make a major comeback with school. Or trying to graduate. And of course writing this story because it requires me to dig deep into myself and having to face ugly parts of myself anyone would prefer to keep buried.

It’s times like this I regret not saying “yes” to medication. I have to be my own coach, my own therapist, my own friend, my own hero, my own everything. It’s completely exhausting. I have to convince myself regularly that my current situation is not the final destination. Keep going even when I don’t want to, keep fighting no matter the odds, and all that. Same old song and dance I’ve been doing for the past eight years. But maybe somewhere along the way something will change for the better. Here I go.

WillNotLoseMyShit……

So yesterday I was really excited about finding my dream house being advertised and how I applied for it. I posted an ad asking for roommates. I told them the perks of having me as a roommate. I’m getting a lot of responses. I’m attracting a lot of attention to the place. But now I’m getting a little antsy.

My anxiety is trying to take over and do the thinking for me. I’m fighting it. I’m trying to be calm. I’m breathing, I’m typing, I’ve got Sense8 season two playing on Netflix, I’m trying to find a happy mental place.

What’s the problem? The last time I was happy about finding a place and was positive that things were going to work out I got blind sided and things fell apart. Plus because a lot of people are now interested in this place I’m starting to wonder if I’m making more trouble for myself.

I’ve turned in my application for the place. But does that really secure my spot? The manager asked if I had roommates in mind. His exact words that followed were “Will need enough people to cover the entire lease before we move forward”.

Plus there’s already this one person who says she’s got a whole group ready when she responded. Now it’s triggering thoughts like:

“Did I fuck up?” “Was I supposed to have people ready before I applied?” “Do I have the place or not?” “Who decides the roommate selection? The manager or me?” “Is there more work for me that I have to do?” “This is too good to be true. Remember the last time it was too good to be true?” “What do I do if things go wrong again?”

Followed by “I will not lose my shit. I will not lost my shit. Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit.”

And then it goes into an infinite loop.

I’ve mailed questions to the manager. I have no idea when the guy will back to me. Everyone is always so conveniently busy when I need answers or any type of favor.

I want to believe that I will get that place. I want to believe that I’m not going to be stuck in the shithole Cottages any longer than I already have. I want to keep it positive and I want to keep it going. I don’t want to let something else to do the thinking and feeling for me.

So here I go….