Goddamnit I miss cooking my own meals. I’ve been living off take out for almost two weeks now. My defense is that check I waited for was taking too damn long to process and I was starving myself for days. So maybe I got a little carried away. But to have sushi and ramen noodles delivered to your front door? That’s beautiful.
But I miss the rush I’d get from cooking. What have I made in the last two weeks? That ginger tea and some coffee. I want to make curry rice, ninjin shiri shiri, fried chicken, hamburger steak, bibimbap, and goddamnit I want to make a fucking bento box!!!!! But nooooo….
I have midterms and projects that require my full attention. Between waiting for the meat to defrost, the food prep, and the cleaning up it’s going to eat up a lot of time.
I find myself dealing with a lot of indecision lately. Something that was covered in my session yesterday is triggering this. It’s making me more self-aware of how indecisive I’ve been. Feeling stuck in between everything. I’m pretty sure I wrote about something like that pretty recently.
I’m sick of it. How do I know that I’m sick of it? Because my brain just keeps screaming, “FUCK IT!!”
I’ve reached Wade Wilson status! I say FUCK IT!!
Cook > Order In
Pull My Punches < Raise Hell on my Enemies.
Compare Myself to Others < DIY Shit My Way
Hate Myself < Love Myself
Be a Victim < Be a Warrior
Rot like Bad Meat < Fight with everything I have.
Oh yeah…what to cook for dinner?
Something easy! Cooked at turbo speed!! Will upload a photo later!
Yesterday during my session I gave the counselor a recap of what’s been happening over the last week.
I don’t know if I ever mentioned that I make monsters out of the negativity in my mind or not (That was sarcasm). But based on what we discussed yesterday it looks like if I’m going to fight smarter and not just harder.
I will illuminate.
The monsters in my head, the Nightmares, come in different shapes and sizes. Their appearances always vary. And they have different “power levels”. Some are bigger and meaner than others.
Best way to point it out is to draw an example from Ghostbusters. The original film, for all you people that love to hate on the 2016 version….
There’s small fry like Slimer. These Nightmares are annoying more than anything else, but they’re easier to deal with. They’re easier to manage. It’s about as difficult as powering through a small wave.
Then there’s more moderate sized threats like those demon dogs, Zuul and Vinz Clortho. These pose a bigger problem for me. It’s when I have to deal with bigger worries that go beyond general anxieties. Dealing with them requires more effort. This is when I have to use tools learned from therapy and all the other things that can counter cognitive distortions, anxieties, negative feelings, and the like.
Finally there’s the big fish of them all, Gozer and Stay Pufft Marshmallow Man. When Nightmares like these come along that’s when it feels like the world has turned into nothing, but rot and pitch black. That’s when I reach my breaking point. That’s when I start feeling completely overwhelmed and beaten down by everything which then makes it easier for me get triggered by the smallest things. This is when I’m at my darkest place. And usually this is where I know I can’t handle things on my own.
My depression is the great big bad in my life. I want to confront it head on and take it down permanently. But there’s all these other battles that need to be fought against the Nightmares that rank below it.
Up until now I’ve been putting all my eggs in one basket with basic strategies. Making use of CBT, writing, keeping myself busy with cooking and schoolwork. But now I have to do more to fight effectively. That’s why I’m going to counseling, trying to meditate, make use of tactile sensory therapy, be willing to undergo medication, and share the things that go on in my head here on WordPress. Even though it means having to share something as crazy as how I just described my Nightmare Syndrome, go into painful details of every meltdown I’ve had, and risk being labeled some attention seeking drama queen.
Writing helps. Being creative helps. Knowing that there are things that only I’m capable of doing helps. But there’s still so much more that I need to do. If devoting myself to writing or creating anything was all it took then my battles would’ve ended long ago.
I have to get over my trust issues. I have to talk to my parents about what I go through mentally. I have to stop detaching myself from reality. I have to be more decisive. I have to stop white knuckling everything. I have to more willing to ask for help when I really need it. I have to do things differently because repeating the same behavior and action while expecting something new to happen is what truly defines insanity.
I’ve already declared war against my inner demons. So I’m pulling all out the stops and I’m going to fight until the end.
And I’ll do it all with…