My Happy List

I’ve been “that guy” who talks nonstop about depression and anxiety and the things that trigger it to put me on edge. I need to take the time to get out of the darkness. I’m playing out some music that I haven’t listened to in a long time. It’s gotten me feeling all nostalgic and shit. Then I re-watched this video on HartBeat’s YouTube channel (I highly suggest subscribing) where she lists all things that make her happy. So I thought it a good idea to do the same thing. This really needs no further explanation so here I go!

There will be a crap ton of photos. Not sorry for that.


This is Jewels. She was my best friend and hands down the coolest dog in the world ever. She wasn’t my dog. I took care of her when her owners were traveling. My Mom got me the gig. I was like “What are you, nuts?! I don’t know anything about dogs! Let alone taking care of them!” My Mom said she’d help out and that the dog sitting money would go straight to me. Then I met her and it was love at first sight. She was the sweetest thing ever. And she was so well behaved too. She didn’t bark or jump up on any furniture and she listened to me as if I were her owner. I took care of her for a huge part of the summer in 2012. It was one of the best times I ever had. Taking care of her was always a joy. Especially during Christmas time. She wasn’t mine, but I loved her like she were my own and she loved me back in return. She was a better friend than anyone I had ever known. Jewels died from cancer back in February. But I have nothing but the most beautiful memories of her. Sometimes I can still smell her on me. I look back on all the times she followed me around, kept me company in the kitchen, and always rolling over the floor and asking for belly rubs. I miss her dearly. But it’s thanks to her that I realize that I am capable of loving someone other than myself and can be loved in return unconditionally.


Coffee! Because without it I’d have no reason to get up in the morning. Wired is better than tired, twitching is better than bitching, death before decaf!


This fucking beautiful frozen delight!! It’s like an organism that goes off in your mouth in every spoonful. Not lying!


I love anime! Especially Miyazaki films. They’re some of the best things I’ve ever seen. Other anime titles that I love include, but are not limited to; Sailor Moon, Akame Ga Kill, Inuyasha, and The Slayers. There’s a lot more, but I want to keep this part short and sweet.


My video game collection! I’m an avid gamer and I’m proud of it! Most people I knew from childhood were always into Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Nothing wrong with those titles, I like them but I didn’t get into them until later. While everyone was into Tolkienn or Rawling’s works I lost myself in games like Final Fantasy 8, Legend of Dragoon, Chrono Cross, Valkyrie Profile. These titles, for me, weren’t just fun games to play at the time, but I fell in love with the presentation of everything they had. Interesting characters, compelling plots (I was 14 when I played these games, shut up), beautiful music, and a worlds that I loved escaping into when reality sucked. I collect titles like they’re Pokemon and I collect game consoles like they’re the Dragon Balls! Except for Xbox One. I’m not into the Microsoft franchise and plus they don’t offer up a lot of titles that I’m interested in. And even when there is a good game coming out on XboxOne that I’d like to play it’s also available for PS4. I am a Sony boy!


Pokemon and pocky! Because reasons….


The WWE! I love pro-wrestling! I watched it every week as another way of escaping reality and getting out of my head. My top favorite superstars are Sasha Banks, Bayley, Becky Lynch, Sami Zayn, Tyler Bate, TMDK, The Revival, and Finn Balor (who by the way is my future husband. He just doesn’t know it yet). I especially love the WWE games because there is an entire community dedicated to creating their own wrestling promotions, superstars, championship belts, etc. This is a photo of one of my own creations that I’m particularly proud of. I want to make my own promotion and put it on YouTube, but time management is an issue. One of these days it’s going to happen. Probably with the release of WWE 2k18.


Anything that came out of Dorothy Zbornak’s mouth on Golden Girls. Golden Girls in general. Shameless binging of Golden Girls via HULU….need I go on?


Seeing random shit like this that always has my sides hurting from laughing so hard.


Everyone has childhood superheroes. Almost everyone will say Batman, Green Lantern, or the X-Men. Yeah they’re great heroes, but for me it’s always been the Power Rangers. I’ve been with them from the very beginning (which should be a huge hint as to how old I really am). I’ve kept it a secret from a lot of people to avoid ridicule while growing up. My closest friends know about this because we’d always play as Power Rangers ourselves. We’d create our own villains, monsters, zords, and act out our own Ranger characters. This played a huge impact on my creativity when I was younger. The Power Rangers were always one of the few constant things I’ve had that brought me much needed comfort whenever I had to move away and transfer to a new school and just couldn’t connect with people. Plus getting up on Saturday mornings to catch a new episode was always something to look forward to. And yes, I’ve seen the new Power Rangers movie and I FUCKING LOVED IT!! Rotten Tomatoes and all the haters can just SUCK IT!! I walked out of that theater as a very happy vintage nerd! While I’m at it I also watched and enjoyed the OTHER Power Rangers movies from the 1990’s. YES, even Turbo! I also enjoyed the rebooted Ghostbusters movie and enjoyed it for what it was! Gonna stop here before this rant eats up the rest of the post!!


Hand written drafts! It feels so good to work that pen across the paper and fill up the page space! I’m actually preferring that than staring at a blank Word document for hours and wanting to beat the shit out of that blinking cursor which I always feels is mocking me!!


My cooking apron! Anytime I put it on I’m like, “Yeah baby!! Let’s chef things up tonight!”


Good pizza! Because reasons…


Snow. I know I like to piss and moan about all the things that are wrong with Boone and Appalachian State. But they do get beautiful snow. It reminds me of life in Ohio where I was born. I love playing in the snow. I love wearing my winter’s best clothing. All the best looking clothes are meant for cold weather, let’s be real. I love being snowed in and drinking good coffee and being with people I care about. I love watching the snow fall. I especially love all the summer people suffer because they can’t show off their muscle guns or bikini bods. I’m like, “Uh oh!! Time to get a personality, STAT!”


These little guys! These are my cousin’s kids. The one on the far left is Sammy, Charlie in the center, and the girl is Katarina. I never thought I’d be good with kids. I have a hard enough time dealing with people closer to my own age. But these kids like Jewels have helped me learn and grow so much. They love me and I love them to death. One day when I was having a really bad day and the suicidal thoughts kept creeping in I got a surprise FaceTime call from my cousin and it was Katarina who wanted to call. Not to say “Hi”, but to say “Please come back! Please come over!” It made me come back to my senses. She’s a little saint for making that call. I’ll never forget the timing. It makes me want to work harder to make myself better and be there for those kids.


Last but certainly not least is my Mom. Here she is with Jewels, spoiling her. My Mom is the sweetest person alive, but she’s also one of the strongest people that I know. If she says that I’m the strong one it’s only because I got my strength from her. She’s my biggest reason for wanting to work harder and get better. I’ve disappointed her in the past and always had a hard time forgiving myself for it. I want to stop being such a huge screw up. I want to be successful in life. I want a family of my own that she’d love to welcome into her life. I know I always have her support, no matter what. Which is why I want to keep going forward and keep fighting. I came clean to my Mom about my depression and told her that I wanted to hurt myself and die. It made her cry hearing that. It was another huge wake up call. Even if I went ahead and ended things so I wouldn’t have to feel pain my Mom, my cousins, and those kids would be destroyed. I don’t want to be the reason that they cry or hurt. I’m going to turn things around for me and them. I’m gonna fight my nightmares like a real warrior and I’m going to come out on top.

That’s all I got for now. I’m probably going to do a continuation of this list at some point because when it comes down to it there is a lot of things that make me happy. I’ve kept myself closed off from it all because I became so addicted to my own misery. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy, there are reasons to be happy all around me just like there is for everyone else. Only major difference is that those things don’t come from the end of a beer bottle, a bong, or anyone that’s lives by “hooking up” with the first person that they see.

Until then, later days!

Convincing Myself.

I got back home yesterday. Finally I feel like I can actually relax. It’s nice to be back in time for Mother’s Day. I just finished talking to my Mom about the house that I’m looking to move into. She’s excited for me and now offering up prayers that I’ll get it. She’s optimistic though. And to tell the truth, so am I.

Even so I can’t help but think as much traffic that I’ve given to the house when the ad was freshly posted the manager should just give me the keys to the place already. I had to seriously refrain myself from saying, “Show me the lease motherfucker!”

Hopefully between now and the time that I get back to start up my summer classes I will have an answer. Right now it’s a matter of killing time and keeping my thoughts and emotions in check. The last thing I need in my life is to be bordering another mental meltdown or risk a complete shutdown. So my plan at the moment…bust out some Playstation 1 classics and be the introverted, socially inept nerdy cliche that I embody all-to-well. Especially when I should be working on my novel. Ahhh procrastination at it’s finest! Gotta love it!

Maybe to be on the safe side I should be looking into another place in case I don’t make the manager’s cut. Or maybe I need to be ready to accept the reality that I will be stuck in the Cottages of Boone aka The Hidden Circle of Hell on Earth. I want to believe that I’ll get that house. But I also don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. I don’t want to imagine that this house (called Sparonest btw) will be some grand fairy tale come to life. Every time I set the bar too high with expectations, things don’t go according to plan, and then I end up heart broken.

Like when I got my acceptance letter to Appalachian State I couldn’t be happy about it because the night before that I had found out that my Dad was having an affair. Then I finally get to move into my apartment and I got stuck with the worse batch of roommates ever (which would become a repeating cycle). Then I finally started up my classes at App State only to be completely overwhelmed by everything and my best friend at the time just left me alone with all my struggles, knowing that I would’ve been suicidal. Then I obsess over these things and think back to all the other things that aren’t so great in my life, stuff from the past that I have no control over, stuff I blame myself for. It’s not all just a bunch of general anxiety wreaking havoc on my mind.

These years haven’t been so kind to me. Blah blah blah, what doesn’t kill you is supposed to make you stronger. I don’t feel very strong. Not now and not back then. I felt defeated. I felt like crawling into a hole and wanted to die. And then just when I have managed to pick myself up I’m still a shell of my former self. I’m this jaded, cynical, untrusting version of myself that I don’t like, feeling so damaged, and filled with destructive malice. The only good that’s come out of that bad package is that it’s given me plenty to write about. I’m trying to take what’s gone horribly wrong and make something positive out of it.

But the absolute worse part is that somewhere along the way I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy. I feel like I can’t go back to the person that I was like before any of this happened. And then when something potentially good comes my way I’m always questioning myself. I ask questions like, “Do I really deserve this?” “Can I be happy?”

This is what I struggle with now. Especially with this house deal or trying to make a major comeback with school. Or trying to graduate. And of course writing this story because it requires me to dig deep into myself and having to face ugly parts of myself anyone would prefer to keep buried.

It’s times like this I regret not saying “yes” to medication. I have to be my own coach, my own therapist, my own friend, my own hero, my own everything. It’s completely exhausting. I have to convince myself regularly that my current situation is not the final destination. Keep going even when I don’t want to, keep fighting no matter the odds, and all that. Same old song and dance I’ve been doing for the past eight years. But maybe somewhere along the way something will change for the better. Here I go.


So yesterday I was really excited about finding my dream house being advertised and how I applied for it. I posted an ad asking for roommates. I told them the perks of having me as a roommate. I’m getting a lot of responses. I’m attracting a lot of attention to the place. But now I’m getting a little antsy.

My anxiety is trying to take over and do the thinking for me. I’m fighting it. I’m trying to be calm. I’m breathing, I’m typing, I’ve got Sense8 season two playing on Netflix, I’m trying to find a happy mental place.

What’s the problem? The last time I was happy about finding a place and was positive that things were going to work out I got blind sided and things fell apart. Plus because a lot of people are now interested in this place I’m starting to wonder if I’m making more trouble for myself.

I’ve turned in my application for the place. But does that really secure my spot? The manager asked if I had roommates in mind. His exact words that followed were “Will need enough people to cover the entire lease before we move forward”.

Plus there’s already this one person who says she’s got a whole group ready when she responded. Now it’s triggering thoughts like:

“Did I fuck up?” “Was I supposed to have people ready before I applied?” “Do I have the place or not?” “Who decides the roommate selection? The manager or me?” “Is there more work for me that I have to do?” “This is too good to be true. Remember the last time it was too good to be true?” “What do I do if things go wrong again?”

Followed by “I will not lose my shit. I will not lost my shit. Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit Iwillnotlosemyshit.”

And then it goes into an infinite loop.

I’ve mailed questions to the manager. I have no idea when the guy will back to me. Everyone is always so conveniently busy when I need answers or any type of favor.

I want to believe that I will get that place. I want to believe that I’m not going to be stuck in the shithole Cottages any longer than I already have. I want to keep it positive and I want to keep it going. I don’t want to let something else to do the thinking and feeling for me.

So here I go….