So I finally finished running the academic gauntlet and today marked my first official day of freedom. Remember when I said it felt like I experienced a Bloodborne boss battle in real life? Let me clarify something…I wasn’t fighting ONE thing. I was fighting multiple things…
Or this one…
Let’s not forget this beautiful specimen….
So yeah…that happened.
But I got through it! I can’t tell you how good it feels to back home and enjoying a nice, quiet, uneventful evening at home in a heated room while playing as much Netflix and J-Rock as I want and as loud as I want and be around people who actually enjoy my company. And to not have anything hanging over my head…until I’m back in Boone anyway.
I was scared shitless because I had to write and revise a bunch of articles for Feature Writing. It was tough having to write everything while trying to shut out the voice in my mind that carried all my doubts, self loathing, and judgements.
I almost gave up on everything because my nerves were so shot to hell and my mind kept “short circuiting” on me. I honestly have no clue what’s going to happen grade-wise. But at that point I needed to just push through and do it for myself. So I can enjoy this winter break knowing that I at least gave it everything I had. Not to mention I stopped myself from giving up like I’ve done in the past. Around this same time I made that previous post for my audio doc class. After that I slept like I was dead in my bed.
This entire year has been a series of battles for me. But it was all for the better. Were these last couple of weeks a complete cakewalk? No. But it could’ve been so much worse. I know I’ve been through worse mentally. Especially from long ago.
There was a bunch of other stuff that happened. Minor stuff that I would’ve most likely turned into a bigger deal than they needed to be. Or in my case produce more monsters in my head. I think I’ve somehow managed to adjust somehow. I’m beginning to unlearn the behavior and reactions that fuel my depression. But it still hasn’t come easy for me because…
-I ended up falling for someone else. Someone that I know I can’t have. I’m trying to put those feelings behind me.
-I’m struggling with trying to figure out what to really do with my future after graduation.
-I keep worrying about how next semester will turn out. I fear that the smallest mistake will undo all my progress. I’m repeating to myself, “Please don’t let me fuck up. Please don’t let me fuck up.”
-I sometimes keep hearing this tick-tock going off in my mind. Like my mind is telling me that time is running out for my dreams.
-There’s probably more stuff…that I’m not up to talking about yet.
But I’m going to be all right. I have time for myself to write something that’s not for a grade. I’m free to vent out all my pent up rage and frustrations through Persona 5, Nier Automata, and actual Bloodborne. I can resume cooking. I’ve been meaning to try out some new recipes. Oh yeah and I can finally eat something that’s not Domino’s Pizza. If I see another slice of pepperoni and mushrooms during this winter break it’ll be way too soon.
The rest of the stuff that’s bugging me I won’t let it get me down. All the progress I’ve made on my journey isn’t going to be undone by anything. Not as I long as I choose to keep going.