A Moment of Weakness

So it looks like I still have stuff to write about when it comes to my “Nightmare Syndrome”. Oh boy oh boy! Nothing makes my life more complete than to talk nonstop about my mental health issues and the pitch black darkness of my mind!!!

Hahahahahahahahaha…..haha…ha….ha..*fights tears*

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If that first paragraph hasn’t deterred you in anyway, great! If you’re turned off by it, turn away now.

The last couple of days have really tested me on both a mental and emotional level. I’ve literally been starving, being forced to ration my food because my loan and financial aid is taking forever to process. I’ve been real lethargic lately because of my Zoloft. I’m behind on my assignments, which are piling up. And as some of you may know I was sexually harassed last week too. I tried to bounce back from everything and continue with my work. Then something went wrong with an assignment. It was stuff that was out of my control, but it still really sucked.

I thought I was bouncing back from it all. On Friday I gave my professor an e-mail with evidence that supports why I couldn’t make my deadline. He’s being very understanding and he’s cutting me a break. He’s a very cool guy. That same day I went to go get my financial situation in order. I missed one thing that needed completing before my loan could get disbursed. I set up a meeting with someone to go get a notification to give to my professor.

So then yesterday I went to the Dean of Students office. I told the case manager everything she needed to know. I told her about the harassment that I went through. She asked me to tell her in detail and I did. After that meeting, something triggered in my head.

I was just walking through the hallways and I caught just sideways glance of my reflection and my mind went to the dark place. My “Nightmares” were acting up again. For the first time in several weeks. I didn’t miss them one bit.

I kept hearing in my mind, “I’m ugly, I’m gross, I’m filthy, I’m worthless”. I did everything I could to fight it off. But it ate me up for a huge chunk of yesterday. I felt stupid, weak, and ashamed. I knew in my head that there was no reason I should feel that way, but I just could not think rationally. I still feel so disgusted about what happened with Nasty Nate. Is this what it’s like for all those people who called out on Harvey Weinstein and the rest of them? Even though he didn’t lay a finger on me? I wasn’t even a person to him. I was just a thing for him to use so he could get off.

“I’m just a thing. Not a real person.” That also kept echoing in my mind. My nerves were acting up, I felt like I was getting triggered left and right, and I felt my energy drop to such low levels. I never thought I would be so happy to take my Zoloft when I got home. I went through the entire day without eating anything. Once I had something in my stomach I was able to calm down and start thinking a little more rationally.

I called my Mom and I told her everything that happened. She’s glad that I’m all right, but she was also mad that I didn’t say anything sooner. It’s been a full week since what happened. Even after I went on full blast with the post I had made and letting everyone on my Facebook know what happened there was this still this sense of shame. That shame made it hard to pick up the phone and tell my Mom what happened. I even thought that she would somehow minimize it or call me a crybaby or whatever.

So some pretty big lessons to take away from this.

  1. I am not invincible. I’m not depression proof. I am going to have my share of bad days and moments of weakness. Zoloft helps a lot, but I need to utilize other skills and tools that I can use when stuff like that happens.
  2. My personal pride has gotten in my way one too many times. It was pride that kept me from asking for food from the roommates or taking advantage of the food pantry services that are around town. Pride almost kept me from asking for help from the professor and others. I can’t be afraid to reach out for help anymore. Pride is almost got me killed in the first place.
  3. I am not ugly. I am not a thing. I am not disgusting. I am not worthless. Depression has and always will be a hatchet faced lying bitch troll from hell that lives with me and I have to deal with. Those lies pollute the mind and taint the soul. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s made me stronger. Pain can serve its purpose to become power.

I need to carry on with the rest of my day. I hope you all have great one. I’m gonna bounce back from things. Just like I always have. Those “Nightmares” have met their match with me.

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Taming the Dragon

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Front page news WordPress readers!! I am a Hufflepuff!!!

My whacky writer’s brain has been both a blessing and a curse for me. I escaped into my imagination whenever things became too much to deal with. It wasn’t just a place where I hid myself, but also the only place where anything made sense. Things seemed less complicated.

Many things in my life serve as creative fuel for me. My depression and anxiety, memories of good and bad days, lessons I had to learn the hard way, people I knew and wish were closer to me, things I had to overcome, and all that I desire.

Like Jewels, my nephew and niece, the man from my dreams….whoever he might be….whatever he’s supposed to really look like….hence the photos of man candy below….

 

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My writer’s brain runs on auto-pilot though. During my sessions with my counselor I told him how I called my depression the Nightmare Syndrome, how everything turns into a monster that I always see with my mind’s eye, and how it seemed as though they were always destroying everything in the world of my imagining that crossed over into my reality.

We used a lot of fantasy analogy. It’s something I had kept to myself for the longest time. I was mostly embarrassed to admit to any of it. I try to keep things as realistic as possible when talking about everything, but in the end it’s my creativity that has helped me more than anything else. Before the Zoloft anyway.

The Babadook came up in my sessions. I’m sure anyone who has seen the movie can relate to the analogy that there’s a beast that lives with those who suffer from mental illness. In my case it wasn’t just the one monster. We also talked about my favorite video game, Persona¬†and I explained to him how the characters gain their power by overcoming and learning to accept their Shadow selves.

It was my counselor that brought up the analogy of a dragon being a personification of my depression. It coincided with the Shadows I mentioned. The creature can seem frightening and its easy to believe that its always out to get us. But sometimes it’s just misunderstood. Sometimes it can be used to draw strength from and propel us to move forward.

A few posts ago I did the Persona thing. I P4’d that bitch. I had come to terms with my depression and accepted it as a vital part of myself. It helped a lot. I felt my cognition take a huge shift. The rest is history. I’m doing good, but I’m not out of the woods yet.

My dragon and I are learning to co-exist. We’re not soaring the sky, but we’re not at each other’s throats either. Achieving peaceful co-existence with the dragon and unlearning everything that’s been hardwired into my brain is crucial to this recovery.

Within my mind exists my own universe where all my imaginative creations reside. I call it The Otherverse¬† and I’m putting everything into it to help me deal with things. It’s not about getting published and becoming the next J.K. Rowlings. It’s about healing and learning to truly live again, learn to better love myself, and to enrich the reality that I live in as well as my mental health.

The first step to any journey is to acknowledge the moment and who you are.

To pull some quotes from Dan Millman’s Peaceful Warrior…

  1. Where are you? I am here. What time is it? Now. What are you? I am this moment.
  2. There are no ordinary moments.
  3. There is no starting or stopping. There is only doing.
  4. A warrior does not give up what he loves. He finds the love in what he does.
  5. I call myself a Peaceful Warrior because the battles I fight come from within.

Have a nice day everyone.

Here I come World!!!

P.S. I consider myself a “Hufflepuff Warrior”.

 

 

 

 

 

Here I Come, World!!!

As of Monday I’ve got my refill of Zoloft and have moved on to a higher dosage. I’m on 75 mg. By the end of this week I will be on 100 mg. I feel like I have to adjust to it all over again.

I took my first pill at like 8:30 AM. Earliest I’ve taken it. Then when I made my exist from class two whole hours later I felt like I needed a 12 hour nap. I slept like a Snorlax. Had to eat like one too to get some strength back. I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced my first Zoloft induced vivid dream last night.

I felt the druggy effect of the Zoloft in my dreams. I kept feeling weak and my legs were like jelly. I didn’t realize it was a dream though. The imagery from last night is becoming more blurry so I can’t entirely remember what I saw. But I know there was some pretty dark stuff.

But I knew what I signed up for when I agreed to medication. I might feel drowsy sometimes and may have to deal with weird dreams in the future, but at least I don’t want to hurt or kill myself anymore. I don’t see so much darkness and ugly in the world anymore either.

I’ve managed to make quite a few new friends. I’ve been chatting them up like crazy. I joined these Facebook groups for gay geeks like myself. I forgot what a joy it was to talk about stuff like anime, pro-wrestling, and Power Rangers was like with someone who shares the same passion for it that I do. The walls that obstructed me from socializing with people are crumbling. Part of that is because of the Zoloft and the other part is my own desire. Whatever was holding me back before isn’t there anymore. I feel as if I’m free.

Over the last few days I’ve been mulling over what to do with myself. What to do once I’ve put App State behind me is what I mean. Originally I wanted to just focus on my writing and work on getting a novel published. But now I believe I have a new goal.

I want to help with mental health problems like myself. No one should ever have to go through anything like that on their own. No one should ever have to feel like they’re always on their own. I’m going to look into volunteer work with organizations. I’ll become an advocate.

I might be feeling better, but that doesn’t suggest that I get to forget all my experiences. I should be able to use what I’ve learned to do some good in the world and help others.

That’s really all I want to say for now.

Take care everybody.

Gauntlet Cleared

So I finally finished running the academic gauntlet and today marked my first official day of freedom. Remember when I said it felt like I experienced a Bloodborne boss battle in real life? Let me clarify something…I wasn’t fighting ONE thing. I was fighting multiple things…

Like this…

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Or this one…
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Let’s not forget this beautiful specimen….
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And it left me feeling and looking like this in my mind’s eye…

So yeah…that happened.

But I got through it! I can’t tell you how good it feels to back home and enjoying a nice, quiet, uneventful evening at home in a heated room while playing as much Netflix and J-Rock as I want and as loud as I want and be around people who actually enjoy my company. And to not have anything hanging over my head…until I’m back in Boone anyway.

I was scared shitless because I had to write and revise a bunch of articles for Feature Writing. It was tough having to write everything while trying to shut out the voice in my mind that carried all my doubts, self loathing, and judgements.

I almost gave up on everything because my nerves were so shot to hell and my mind kept “short circuiting” on me. I honestly have no clue what’s going to happen grade-wise. But at that point I needed to just push through and do it for myself. So I can enjoy this winter break knowing that I at least gave it everything I had. Not to mention I stopped myself from giving up like I’ve done in the past. Around this same time I made that previous post for my audio doc class. After that I slept like I was dead in my bed.

This entire year has been a series of battles for me. But it was all for the better. Were these last couple of weeks a complete cakewalk? No. But it could’ve been so much worse. I know I’ve been through worse mentally. Especially from long ago.

There was a bunch of other stuff that happened. Minor stuff that I would’ve most likely turned into a bigger deal than they needed to be. Or in my case produce more monsters in my head. I think I’ve somehow managed to adjust somehow. I’m beginning to unlearn the behavior and reactions that fuel my depression. But it still hasn’t come easy for me because…

-I ended up falling for someone else. Someone that I know I can’t have. I’m trying to put those feelings behind me.
-I’m struggling with trying to figure out what to really do with my future after graduation.
-I keep worrying about how next semester will turn out. I fear that the smallest mistake will undo all my progress. I’m repeating to myself, “Please don’t let me fuck up. Please don’t let me fuck up.”
-I sometimes keep hearing this tick-tock going off in my mind. Like my mind is telling me that time is running out for my dreams.
-There’s probably more stuff…that I’m not up to talking about yet.

But I’m going to be all right. I have time for myself to write something that’s not for a grade. I’m free to vent out all my pent up rage and frustrations through Persona 5, Nier Automata, and actual Bloodborne. I can resume cooking. I’ve been meaning to try out some new recipes. Oh yeah and I can finally eat something that’s not Domino’s Pizza. If I see another slice of pepperoni and mushrooms during this winter break it’ll be way too soon.

The rest of the stuff that’s bugging me I won’t let it get me down. All the progress I’ve made on my journey isn’t going to be undone by anything. Not as I long as I choose to keep going.

Come on with it Universe!!


This is me, getting to take on the day and all the universe has to throw my way.

For the Future Part 2

So I was fuming after that little post earlier. Never mind the fact that I was frustrated and confused, but I was really really hungry. So I went and made myself some comfort food. Cooking never fails to be therapeutic. It’s right up there with writing.

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This what I made by the way. It’s called menchi-katsu. Basically a Japanese fried meatball.

I’m not entirely sure what’s a worse life decision. Entertaining the idea of grad school, letting my hair grow out, or watching Supergirl. Then again it could be worse. I could be watching Neo Yokio….

I’m trying to be rational about all this.

I said I was sick of being a career student. That much is true. But I probably said that in a moment of weakness and exhaustion. I didn’t really think things through when I said it.

I still have that fear of starting over from scratch after graduation. I have to be completely honest here. Other than spending many years at school I have nothing to put on my resume. I’ve had three jobs my whole life and all that payment was done under the table.

I worked as an assistant for my mom’s cleaning company. I worked in housekeeping for several months before I went back to school. And I was a dog sitter for one dog (who I loved like my own child and I still miss her so much). That’s it. I didn’t apply for any job at McDonalds, GameStop, or anywhere else you’re likely to work at as a teenager.

The only thing I’ve ever wanted to do was write stories. I’m only now able to write to my heart’s content. I’m just learning how to work around writer’s block and be more honest with myself. I’m only now capable of crapping out a sentence and stringing them along without constantly second guessing myself and being mocked by the blinking cursor of a computer screen and the endless white of a blank page.

I have nothing else. I’m a decent writer with a fertile imagination, mental imbalances, and sometimes an attitude that is best described as a mean streak that’s wider than Melissa McCarthy’s backside.

So I suspended reality for like ten seconds and thought maybe grad school would help me in the long run. Plus there’s a lot that I’ve missed out on, plans I was never able to follow through on, and I thought maybe this would make up for all that. Not everything that’s gone wrong in my life is because of my stupid “Nightmare Syndrome”. It’s because I was too chickenshit to face reality, to be a grown up, to enjoy life in general. Depression is just a cop out at this point. Yes I do suffer from actual depression, but it doesn’t rule over everything. I’ve made plenty of bad calls when I’ve been completely recovered.

But let’s not forget one crucial detail. I wasn’t even considering grad school until I found about Mike. He always talked about his plans with such bravado and then he goes and follows through with it. I liked it better when I didn’t even know that he was in Boone. I got jealous. That word feels so foreign and heavy in my mind because I’ve never been jealous of anyone. When envy takes over it messes with my way of thinking properly.

I want something greater for myself. Grad school would’ve been an short cut to achieve that. But if jealousy plays even the smallest factor in making that decision then it’s not the right way to go. It’s not for me.

So there’s no reason to dwell on this issue anymore. I won’t do it. I say no to grad school. No added student debt, no staying in Boone longer than I have to, and no more living as a career student.

I want something bigger and greater for myself. Something bigger and greater than I what I have now. It’s just not going to be in grad school. Probably not even in Boone. And most definitly it shouldn’t have anything to do with an old friend sparking jealousy inside of me.

I’ll find that something greater. And I will make a better life for myself that I can be proud of and nobody else can take away from me.

Signing off now.