My Creative Spark.

Random Pensword Fact #1: Yes I am gay. No, I do not worship Meryl Streep as some primordial Hollywood Goddess. No, I do not own a single Madonna CD or know any of the lyrics to any of her songs. No, I do not have every line of Mean Girls memorized by heart. I might be gay, but there are only so many cliches that I’m willing to embrace.

I’m gonna be starting things off with a Random Fact about myself from now on. Best get used to it.

I had a peaceful Labor Day weekend. I didn’t do anything special. I just had the house to myself most of the time while the roommates were out doing their own thing. That’s if you don’t count having a sickly cat as company. I didn’t do a whole lot. I binged Crunchyroll to get back to my anime-loving roots. I started up my fifth walkthrough with Persona 5, a game that’s basically my heroin. I tried cooking up something nice for myself. Note that I said, “I tried”. That part didn’t go as planned. My sushi rolls turned into a sushi burrito when I ended up overstuffing the rice. But hey, I made sure my ingredients didn’t go to waste. That same day I wanted to make croquettes. Again that didn’t go as planned. I froze them overnight and fried some of them this afternoon. It was horrible. The bread coating was crumbling and the meat was still partially frozen. I was pissed! That’s never happened to me before. I never froze them overnight but I didn’t think it would up in disaster like that. It took me a while to calm down after that.

I had an idea to make a bento lunch. I could’ve gone out and enjoyed myself on campus or on the porch bench while relaxing to one of my new books. I’m juggling Roxane Gay and Haruki Murakami, in case anyone was wondering. But with no sushi rolls or decent croquettes to show for it that didn’t happen. In the end I just stayed planted on the couch and found myself hopelessly addicted to playing more Persona 5 and sitting through the WWE Mae Young Classic, a women’s wrestling tournament. Loved all the female talent that was on display. But I swear to God if Shayna Baszler ends up winning just so WWE can pull some shitty angle with Ronda Rousey’s Horsewomen crew I’m really gonna lose my shit!! Plus I don’t like Shayna Bazsler! I saw her in The Ultimate Fighter season 18. She rubbed me the wrong way back then. She still does. She’s basically Baron Corbin with boobs. And slightly more hair on top. Which begs a question? Why doesn’t that douche heel just shave his head and get it over with? His current hairdo really doesn’t do him much good.

Whoops! That was a rant!

I also tried to write something. Actually I managed to type up 1,146 words earlier tonight. I’m pretty proud of that. I don’t know what I’m writing at the moment. I’m trying to get out of the habit of overthinking things and just fly by the seat of my pants as I write and not worry about anybody else reading it. That’s the best mindset I can go with at this point. As much as I would love to write the next best selling novel or screenplay I don’t see it happening anytime soon.

Not as long as I keep getting ideas for my own Persona, Ghost Busters, Power Rangers, my own wrestling promotion, and my own original EVERYTHING. Seeing as though I find the world to be a toxic place to live, many things are not to my liking, and I have one too many voices living in my head (126,000,000 and still climbing…not that I’m keeping count cause that’d be silly.), and there’s always something that’s fueling my neurosis.

But I have to start somewhere. I’ve had a million ideas for a million different projects that date all the way back to 9th grade and I’ve never truly acted upon them. It doesn’t help that I kept dealing with crushing self-doubt,kept comparing myself to others, and had my “Nightmare Syndrome” to contend with. I never truly acted on my creative side except in small doses. Like tiny blood spurts spitting out of a carotid artery. And even when I do manage to write a piece of fiction for myself (albeit a small piece and by small I’m talking embryo sized) I’ve never found my real voice.

I’ve only tried to mirror what I thought was the proper way. I’ve only managed to write something and project a pseudo voice for writing college papers and nothing else.

I want to do something about all of that before I go and try to score a Pulitzer or an Oscar for Best Screenplay. I got to wrestle with the reality of my situation and current skill level. And I have to do all that while dealing while indulging in my fantasy world.

I’m psyching myself up in the same way I did when I was trying to score the new house, getting better with my depression, and making my comeback with school. I’ll work my way up to the top, write for myself, improve my skills, and see if it will be the cure-all for my problems. I will not stay at some mediocre level forever. By this time next year I will improve so much that I will be ready to take on the world with my imagination. I’m taking my creative spark and letting it shine.

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Signing off with intents set! Also get used to these fancy words being presented at the end of each post. That’s also going to be a new thing from now on. Peace!

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Within my Minds Eye

A good friend of mine recently spoke to me about the Laws of Attraction. I do believe that thoughts become things and that the things we put out we attract to ourselves. I’m trying to go back to actively putting creative visualization back into my life which includes believing in the Laws of Attraction.

Remember I mentioned that at one point I was living a depression free life for close to two years? During that time I was deep into it. It was part of my Dreamcatcher Project. There weren’t any intense battles with inner demons going on at the time. Not that I remember anyway. But even if there were I wasn’t fighting anything like the Babadook, that’s for sure.

My friend was wondering if sharing dreams with others and talking about them somehow jinxed things. I answered, “No, not necessarily. I think it’s important to let your intentions be known. Not just to friends, but also to the Universe. I used to believe that so fervently. But I think I’m on my way back to it. When I realized to myself that I’m standing in my own way it made me realize that I never lost that part of myself. I never lost the better version of myself. I never lost my strength. I never “lost my powers”. It’s always been in me and I think I can feel it all coming back.

I especially felt this the other day during my little scare with the EIT and the registration hold placed on me. I’m not as nervous as I normally get before a new semester starts up. I think it’s a sign that I’m ready for whatever challenges are ahead.

Which is why I’m taking the moment to focus on what things I want to happen; dreams to realize and goals to accomplish, big or small. These are my immediate goals. Bigger, long term goals will be shared at a later time.

1. I’m going to meet up with the EIT and set things straight with them. Whatever resources they’ve got to offer me I will make use of it. Especially if it means that it will keep me out of the Cottages. Because the last thing I need is to spend anymore time in that Hellhole than I have to.
2. I’m going to pick myself back up from my failures and kick ass. The way things ended last semester was bad. It’s put me in a tight spot. I take responsibility for my own actions. I won’t place the blame on anyone or anything else, depression or no depression.
3. I’m going to go back to studying Japanese and continuing practicing Spanish. Learning and practicing different languages is always a good thing. I was registered to keep studying Japanese but due to the strict scheduling (oral lab included) I had no choice but to drop it. It hurt leaving it behind. I’m almost certain that dropping that class was an omen. I don’t want to forget what I learned in that class so I’m going to study it all on my own.
4. I’m going to keep learning how to cook. I’m going to get better at it. I’m going to master new recipes from the following Youtube channels; Cooking with Dog, Ochikeron, and Maangchi.
5. I’m getting that house. I’ve done everything that I’m supposed to do. The manager clearly knows how persistent I am. I’m getting along with the people who responded to my roommate ad and they’re on board with me.
6. I’m going to keep losing weight. I never want to put on depression weight again. Cooking helped me lose close to 40 pounds, but I’m going to do more. I want to get into shape.
7. I will engage in other interests that will allow me to enjoy myself outdoors.
8. I will sit and get to work on my novel whenever I’m not tied down with anything else. If I have to I’ll give up on video games and cancel streaming services if it means I’ll be able to get it all done.
9. I’m going to stick to my guns and keep fighting back against my depression. I won’t allow it to have any control over my life anymore than it already has. I will attend counseling at App State. If I have to exhaust all 10 free sessions and then go to a paid professional I will do it. I’m not going to fight alone anymore.
10. I’m going to go back to enjoy movies like I used to. There are so many great films that I’ve missed out on over the past three years.
11. I’m going back to enjoying anime like I used to. I’m not much a vintage nerd without it. It’s a big part of who I am. I don’t want to walk away from it. The same goes for all aspects of myself.
12. I will put myself out there more. I won’t hide from the world anymore. No matter how ugly it gets. I’m done being a lone wolf. I should be allowed to have friends and someone to love like anyone else.
13. I will laugh more than I have cried.
14. I will smile more than I have frowned.
15. I will celebrate more than I have despaired.
16. I will continue to live. I still have unfinished business. Lots of it.
17. Anything that tries to bring me down, I will destroy it. I’m done losing battles and having to die and come back from it all. I’m done torturing myself for having weaknesses.

I hope that from now on I’ll be able to write something positive to share with everyone. Within my minds eye I no longer see these things as something impossible to have anymore.