Within my Minds Eye

A good friend of mine recently spoke to me about the Laws of Attraction. I do believe that thoughts become things and that the things we put out we attract to ourselves. I’m trying to go back to actively putting creative visualization back into my life which includes believing in the Laws of Attraction.

Remember I mentioned that at one point I was living a depression free life for close to two years? During that time I was deep into it. It was part of my Dreamcatcher Project. There weren’t any intense battles with inner demons going on at the time. Not that I remember anyway. But even if there were I wasn’t fighting anything like the Babadook, that’s for sure.

My friend was wondering if sharing dreams with others and talking about them somehow jinxed things. I answered, “No, not necessarily. I think it’s important to let your intentions be known. Not just to friends, but also to the Universe. I used to believe that so fervently. But I think I’m on my way back to it. When I realized to myself that I’m standing in my own way it made me realize that I never lost that part of myself. I never lost the better version of myself. I never lost my strength. I never “lost my powers”. It’s always been in me and I think I can feel it all coming back.

I especially felt this the other day during my little scare with the EIT and the registration hold placed on me. I’m not as nervous as I normally get before a new semester starts up. I think it’s a sign that I’m ready for whatever challenges are ahead.

Which is why I’m taking the moment to focus on what things I want to happen; dreams to realize and goals to accomplish, big or small. These are my immediate goals. Bigger, long term goals will be shared at a later time.

1. I’m going to meet up with the EIT and set things straight with them. Whatever resources they’ve got to offer me I will make use of it. Especially if it means that it will keep me out of the Cottages. Because the last thing I need is to spend anymore time in that Hellhole than I have to.
2. I’m going to pick myself back up from my failures and kick ass. The way things ended last semester was bad. It’s put me in a tight spot. I take responsibility for my own actions. I won’t place the blame on anyone or anything else, depression or no depression.
3. I’m going to go back to studying Japanese and continuing practicing Spanish. Learning and practicing different languages is always a good thing. I was registered to keep studying Japanese but due to the strict scheduling (oral lab included) I had no choice but to drop it. It hurt leaving it behind. I’m almost certain that dropping that class was an omen. I don’t want to forget what I learned in that class so I’m going to study it all on my own.
4. I’m going to keep learning how to cook. I’m going to get better at it. I’m going to master new recipes from the following Youtube channels; Cooking with Dog, Ochikeron, and Maangchi.
5. I’m getting that house. I’ve done everything that I’m supposed to do. The manager clearly knows how persistent I am. I’m getting along with the people who responded to my roommate ad and they’re on board with me.
6. I’m going to keep losing weight. I never want to put on depression weight again. Cooking helped me lose close to 40 pounds, but I’m going to do more. I want to get into shape.
7. I will engage in other interests that will allow me to enjoy myself outdoors.
8. I will sit and get to work on my novel whenever I’m not tied down with anything else. If I have to I’ll give up on video games and cancel streaming services if it means I’ll be able to get it all done.
9. I’m going to stick to my guns and keep fighting back against my depression. I won’t allow it to have any control over my life anymore than it already has. I will attend counseling at App State. If I have to exhaust all 10 free sessions and then go to a paid professional I will do it. I’m not going to fight alone anymore.
10. I’m going to go back to enjoy movies like I used to. There are so many great films that I’ve missed out on over the past three years.
11. I’m going back to enjoying anime like I used to. I’m not much a vintage nerd without it. It’s a big part of who I am. I don’t want to walk away from it. The same goes for all aspects of myself.
12. I will put myself out there more. I won’t hide from the world anymore. No matter how ugly it gets. I’m done being a lone wolf. I should be allowed to have friends and someone to love like anyone else.
13. I will laugh more than I have cried.
14. I will smile more than I have frowned.
15. I will celebrate more than I have despaired.
16. I will continue to live. I still have unfinished business. Lots of it.
17. Anything that tries to bring me down, I will destroy it. I’m done losing battles and having to die and come back from it all. I’m done torturing myself for having weaknesses.

I hope that from now on I’ll be able to write something positive to share with everyone. Within my minds eye I no longer see these things as something impossible to have anymore.