My Personal Wish List

Despite the latest post where I ranted about a shitty week I had I’m in a good place mentally and emotionally. I’m better than I’ve been in years. Instead of waisting away in what used to be my prison cell at the Cottages of Boone I’m in a place that I’m happy to call a home away from home and I’m enjoying the view of snowfall while listening to Utada Hikaru and filling up blank pages with whatever comes to mind.

I remember a year ago around this time how desperate I was for change, how badly I wanted things to be better than they were. Things are better for the most part, but I want more.

Some of the things I want I probably can’t reach yet until I’ve reached a higher level of self-love. But it’s all something to look forward to. Dreams aren’t as impossible to realize like they were before. The only real difference then and now is that I’m actually taking the steps required to attain those goals instead of waiting for the universe to work its magic into my life and lamenting on how powerless and hopeless I am to do anything.

I like my roommates and I like the friends I’ve managed to make in Boone, but I don’t feel like I can share everything with them. I can’t let them in completely. We see eye to eye on a lot of things, but there’s a lot of stuff I like that they can’t relate to.

I love video games, anime, movies, pro-wrestling, Japanese culture, writing, superhero shows like Garo, Kamen Rider, Ultraman, and Super Sentai.

Meanwhile what’s everyone else into? White hipster shit.

It doesn’t help that I live in a house full of people that are as white as can be. I come from a Venezuelan family so there’s shit I’m used to that I’ve seen all my life that makes everyone else go…

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It reminds me of the dumb looks I’d get from people at Walker Hall students. That’s where all the students majoring in communication, journalism, and some number crunching crap all congregate. It doesn’t matter what I’d say. I could be telling them my name, my favorite thing to eat, or what direction the bathroom is at and they look at me like this….

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Like some dumbass deer in headlights. I remember wanting to pluck out their eyes and squash them like grapes every time I’d get that look.

I broke my roommates coffee maker the other day. It was made of glass. It was close to where all the washed dishes were collected. I reached to grab something, it tipped over, and shattered in the sink. As soon as I told my roommate the first thing that came out of his mouth was…

“Oh no!! That cost $60!!”

Now it’s my turn to make a face like this…

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Because look at this shit!

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It’s big, it’s glass, and clearly its fragile as fuck. And he paid $60 for this tacky freak of nature? It looks like it belong in a mad scientist’s evil lair! Unless the coffee that thing makes cures cancer or bestows immortality to whoever drinks it I don’t see why anyone would want to pay good money for this.

Meanwhile I make my coffee with this…

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You know how much this thing cost me? It costs $12! No lie! It makes damn good coffee!! And does it look like it breaks easily? This little episode just made me go….

“Pfft!! White people…I swear….”

I put that on my Facebook and my female roommate put up the angry reaction emoji for it. Do I regret it? NOPE.

Getting back on point…here’s my wish list.

1. I want to be more comfortable around people so I can let them in.
2. I want to keep focusing on self-love. I want to get to the point where I can say, “I’d date me.”
3. I want to keep writing and ultimately make a real career out of it.
4. I want to graduate from App State.
5. I want to go back to enjoying cooking.
6. I want to go back to enjoying movies even if I don’t have someone to go to the theater with.
7. I want people that I can talk to about all the nerdy things I like so much.

I’ll work toward these goals just as I have worked with everything else.

Later days.

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A Voice

I came home to the Nest and turned on Netflix. For whatever reason I have Neo Yokio episode 3 playing in the background as I write. Even though I think this show sucks…

This is such a weeaboo show. And I don’t know whose acting is more atrocious, Jaden Smith or Tavi Gevinson. Tavi sounds way too old to be playing a teenager and she’s only 21 years old in real life. And the main character played by Jaden is just not relatable at all. The same goes for all his friends.

More importantly, were Susan Sarandon and Jude Law extremely bored between projects or did they owe someone money? I have to assume the latter because why else would they get themselves involved with hot garbage like this?

And why the actual and existing fuck do I have this shit playing when I know how abysmally bad it is? To give myself something write about? It helps. To serve as some distraction from my usual neurosis and yesterday’s shit storm? Again, it helps.

Okay I’m done ranting now. I’m honestly still reeling from yesterday even though I told myself, “I’m not going to obsess. I’m not going to obsess.”

Even right now while I type I’m fighting off the thoughts of yesterday like I would with my “Nightmare Syndrome”. My roommates read yesterday’s post and they tried to do the supportive thing. Something I’m not quite used to. All these years of being a social leper has messed me up in more ways than one. I appreciated the hug and the effort to try to make me feel better, but now I’m starting to wonder how much I suck at dealing with people in reality.

I don’t know how to be around people like I used to be. Just when I think I can go back to being the person that I was before Boone I get the rug pulled from under my feet. I feel like I’m back to my formative years. I have to start from scratch all over again. I don’t think or feel the same way like I used to. I’m this warped version of myself that I barely recognize. And it really doesn’t help that memories from the past keep coming back like when I wrote about that old friend of mine.

Maybe this is the part where I’m supposed to just give up on the idea of going back to who I was. Maybe this is the part where I have to let go. I don’t even know if this is the first I’ve said anything like this here, but even if it were it already feels like a dead issue. I am working my way up. I am changing. It’s just time to make peace with the reality of some shit. Because the more I mope about the past the more it comes across as self-torture.

Maybe then I can finally let go of the other stuff that’s in the past. The suicide attempt, the failed relationships, all the mistakes I’ve made, every stupid thing I’ve ever said or done, all the times I’ve felt myself hit rock bottom. God, that’d be liberating as fuck.

There was a point where I tried that. But then when I got the rejection letter from App State I somehow convinced myself that it was punishment for thinking that I could put everything behind me and just forget about it, that I could finally stop talking about it.

Then when I did open up about it, I told the wrong people about it. Remember that post I made about the guy I turned down for a coffee date? The one who loved to pounce on people in reality or on social media? One of the so called “Mean Girls”?

Well he and his friends kept calling me an attention whore. Minimized everything that I said. Didn’t want to understand that talking about it was not about seeking attention but it was supposed to be helpful to me. Helpful by being open about things. I felt like they had put a gag order on me. Like my voice was taken from me. Those people are out of my life now and I don’t miss them even a little bit. In fact, my blood still boils at the thought of them laughing about anything because it’s usually at the expense of someone else.

Now here I am on WordPress. Over 50 posts, 200 likes, and lots of followers. Now I have a voice. Now I’m able to write fiction for the first time in forever. I’m finally able to write for myself without fear or judgement. Where am I gonna go with all this? I won’t know if I stay where I’m at now.

Later days.

An Update on My Life

So, I finally did it. I moved into my new home, Sparonest. Yay!! I was the first to move in and get set up. It was an eventful day. It was such a rush to pack up all of my stuff and leave the Cottages of Boone. I gave the main office both middle fingers as I left for the new house.

My parents got to see the inside of the place for the very first time. My mom loves it. My dad on the other hand…he fucking hates it. It was a constant bitchfest with him. Of course, I expected nothing less from my old man. He is the type of guy that gets pissed off just drinking water after all. He stubbed his toe twice while walking around the house. I don’t feel sorry for him. His own fault for having two left feet and zero patience for anything.

I had to downsize like 60% of my stuff when I moved in. I took what I needed and would make the most use of and gave the rest to my parents for them to take back home. I have the smallest room with a slanted ceiling in the second floor, but that doesn’t bother me. My roommates are already super cool. My female roommate has been so nice to me and she helped a lot when it came to organizing the room and settling some of my stuff in other parts of the house. She’s got a cat who’s a little attention whore, but I’m actually grown attached to the little fur ball.

My other roommate has a big ass dog. Remember watching the original Ghostbusters film? Remember Zuul? Yeah, he’s that big. And he’s only 16 months. But he’s not a bad dog. He’s all right.

Oh yeah and my manager is a total cutie. Both me and the chick wanted to seduce him. Sadly, though it appears he’s taken. But hey, I can still dream.

I love it here. It’s only been a little more than a week, but I’m already a lot happier here than I ever was at the Cottages. I’ve washed my hands clean of that place permanently.

I’m almost done with this summer semester, thank God. This entire summer has been nothing but madness. The only thing that can make up for that is pumpkin spiced everything, cooler weather, and not having to deal with the constant time crunch of assignments in a five-week session.

I still have my moments where stress and anxiety build up. I’m doing the best I can to power through it all. It doesn’t help that I concluded counseling offered at the school. Plus, the stress of moving and the constant photo assignments. I’m a little behind with my photography, but mercifully my professor isn’t a complete monster and she’s offering me the chance to turn in my stuff late. Right now, that’s my primary stressor. There was also the matter of my tight financial situation. But it’s finally getting better. My private loan refund is finally kicking in so I can pay my mom back the money that I owe her and I go back to using financial aid like I normally do. That was giving me the most problems.

Now all I have left to do is to power through the rest of this summer session and complete the rest of my photo assignments. I do love taking pictures, but I hate the technical side of it all.

“Remember everybody to go at it through this angle. Don’t use that setting, use this setting. Make sure that flash bounces off the wall. Your photo better includes a living subject, but no felines! Humans only!”

Gimme a fucking break…

It doesn’t help that I got slim pickings for photo subjects. Boone is a small town after all. How small? I’d say as small as ET’s nonexistent nut sack. But I’m going to manage something. I’ve been through worse challenges after all. And it’s almost time for the fall semester. I just need to grit my teeth and power through things until then. I’m tougher than I was before. And I continue to keep getting stronger with the positive momentum that I got building up. I refuse to go back to the person that I was before any of this. I’ve already come too far.

So that’s where I am in my life right now. Update complete! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna cook some tuna fried rice and get my photo equipment ready for tomorrow! Later days!