It’s only Tuesday and I already feel like shit on toast. I just want to lay down, eat take out, make more wrestlers, and play Hollow Knight. My head’s been on a rollercoaster since last week. And the ride keeps stopping and going, stopping and going, and at different speeds.
Between the moment I made the decision to go back into counseling and the consultation I had last week I was feeling good. But then after that was over I felt everything suddenly take a sharp left turn.
I was fixing something to eat when one of my roommates grilled me about the cutting board not being washed. I hadn’t used it since four days before that and I know I cleaned it right after. But she didn’t believe me and the way she asked, “Are you sure?” sounded so condescending. I remember chopping up the vegetables really hard after that. Which begs an important question…is it really such a good idea to say something stupid or give attitude to someone when they’ve got sharp objects in their hands?
I finished cooking and I washed up the other cutting board that I had just used before retreating back into my room. I wasn’t just annoyed. I was pissed. More than the normal person should be over something like that. Then I tried to put it out of my mind, but I couldn’t. Suddenly everything was pissing me of. I couldn’t concentrate on an assignment that should’ve been a breeze for me.
I tried to sleep it off, but no. This bad feeling was still festering inside of me. It started off as irritability, but then there was that feeling of detachment and isolation that I tried so hard to get over last year. I felt like I was just dragging my feet around everything.
And when I had gotten back from classes I told my oldest friend, Ellison, about how my day went. I mentioned how I was going back into counseling in order to prevent my depression from getting bigger. I said to him, “I made the right call to go back when I did and now it feels like my inner demons are angry. They’re out for blood.”
That’s when El said to me, “Are you bipolar? Seriously? Have you ever been diagnosed?”
To answer that question, no I’ve never been diagnosed as bipolar. I was just describing to him what it felt like for me. Normally I would’ve shrugged off a comment like that without a problem, but the idea of it got stuck to my head. It latched onto me and I started to think, “what if I really am?”
It took everything I had in me to not go on WebMD or whatever to look up the symptoms of bipolar. But I ended up slipping and did it anyway. I even looked up tests for proper diagnosis and medications needed.
This idea latched onto me the next day. I was still dragging my feet and dreading at the possibility of it. And it started to make me analyze every little thing I’ve ever said or done in the last couple of years.
When the weekend hit I had to make it my mission to get it out of my head as much as possible. I did not want to think about it, I did not want to self-diagnose before counseling had actually started up, I was gonna keep myself distracted. And I did exactly that.
I went out. I ate some damn good ramen. I had coffee. I bought myself an adult coloring book to help with my nerves and did a few pages that night. I made a new wrestler named Fiona Grimm and she came out perfect.
I downloaded Steam on my Mac and bought Hollow Knight. I got started on another wrestler based off another one of my good friends, Garnet.
He’s not in any way complete, but here’s what I got so far.
For the most part I felt good over the weekend. But there were still moments where I sank back into the negative. And this would keep repeating, over and over again.
I’m convinced that there is some annoying shit head kid that’s playing with my brain. Just messing with the wiring and tearing shit apart or playing with the switch that controls all my thoughts and emotions. Constantly off and on, off and on, off and on….
I was on total sensory overload today. Especially in my second class of the day. Girl crunching on her snacks nonstop, people behind me are chattering away about something stupid, someone slams their book shut real hard. It either made me want to jump out of my skin or raise hell.
I couldn’t wait to get back home. On the plus side I finally got my check. I’m not going hungry anymore. And I treated myself to some much needed retail therapy. Well sort of…it was more stuff that I actually needed more than stuff I wanted. Like a new antivirus. For some reason, Kaspersky has failed me entirely. My subscription went out months ago. So I try get a new one through Amazon. Every time I make an order my payment was declined. After trying numerous times I opted for an entirely different one, BitDefender. I love it already. I was infected with like twelve viruses and it got them out no problem. I’ve bought a bunch of Adobe software. It’s all going to up my creativity for sure. I’m getting a terabyte hard drive to help with all the excess stuff I’ve got on my Mac. I’m going ahead with my special plans on combatting my depression through my other creative methods as well.
I stand by what I’ve said before. I’m not giving in. Today was shitty. I have to pick myself up and keep going. That’s all that I can do.