So breaking news….I was a complete emotional wreck yesterday. My anxieties were spiking up again. It was worse than what happened earlier in the week. The only difference this time around is that I made use of the cognitive tools I picked up in therapy.
My personal favorite I’d like to share is the acronym, CALM. You’re supposed to go through each letter like it’s a step.
Curiosity: Why am I feeling this way?
Acceptance: Accept what it is your experiencing and let it process. Denial only feeds your inner demons.
Love: Showing yourself self-love. What would you say to someone else that’s in your situation? Tell it to yourself.
Motivation: The experience is over. There are no take backs. What can you do next? How do you move on?
I met this one guy the other day. He seemed nice enough at first. But he was so persistent. He kept messaging me at the most random hours. He seemed like he was in a real hurry to get to know me. I’m thinking he’s sensing a love connection in the making. I didn’t do anything to make him think that. He sent me three selfies of himself, seemed to be waiting for the right time to pounce on me, and he tried to include himself in my creative works. He said he was doing the same. He says he is struggling. He’s using it as an excuse to talk to me and I know it.
It was midnight, I was tired, I was getting ready to sleep, and boom! There he was again, messaging me. I plainly told him, “I’m going to bed now.”
I wake up the next morning, I get my coffee freshly brewed, I take my laptop to the front porch, I kick back and relax, I’m enjoying the fresh morning breeze, I see my professor walk by the house and I happily say “hello”. Right when I’m halfway done with my coffee and in the middle of listening to Amara La Negra’s “Insecure”, who messages me?
It’s Stalker Boy. I’m not in the mood to talk because I want to enjoy my day. So when he asks, “Good morning. How are you?” I swiftly responded three single word responses.
“Good”, “Caffeinating”, “Busy”. I told him that I was working on some stuff and that I was on a deadline. I’m already sick of this dude. So I typed up a letter, explaining myself very clearly that I needed him to chill out, don’t be in a huge rush to get to know me, and to respect my boundaries. I told him he was coming at me strong and that I was feeling uncomfortable. I told him about the sexual harassment I went through when we first spoke. I told him that I was still processing things. But he wouldn’t let up.
He reads the letter and says, “Ok. I understand. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what I was doing.” I try to get back to what I was doing and he still wants to make chit-chat.
Stalker Boy: “Meep. I hate storms.”
Me: “Suck it up buttercup.”
Stalker Boy: “Fine.”
Three peaceful seconds later…
Stalker Boy: “I’m keeping myself distracted with Persona. Lol.”
Me: “More power to ya. It’s back to work for me.”
Stalker Boy: “Same to you.”
Two or three hours later…
Stalker Boy: “How’s the thing you’re working along coming?”
Me: “Made my deadlines. Now I’m out to treat myself. Peace.”
He tries me again at midnight. I’ve already got my head on my pillow. I ignored it. As soon as I woke up I muted him and set his messages to ignore.
During this whole time I felt uneasy. My mind kept flashing back to when Nasty Nate wouldn’t stop bothering me, explained in graphic detail what he wanted to do to me, and showed me that pic and that video. And that’s when my anxieties were acting up. Everything I felt from that day I was feeling it all over again.
I felt dehumanized, disgusting, ugly, worthless, stupid, and violated. Even though no one has put their hands on me I felt violated. My insides were quivering. My mind felt like it was flooding. I was fighting back tears that were forming.
This is the part that doesn’t make any sense to me. My counselor and friends say that my feelings on this are valid. One of my friends said it sounded like PTSD. Which makes even less sense to me?
It’s been a very long time since I’ve studied psychology but it couldn’t be PTSD. Could it? It was one bad interaction. But my anxieties have been building since that day. And I’m flashing back to it. I almost completely broke down yesterday. I felt my mind begin to shatter. I can’t help feeling as if Nasty Nate really did put his hands on me and violated me physically.
Stalker Boy was just being annoying, not overtly disgusting. But I’m reacting like it’s Nasty Nate all over again. Is this what its going to be like for me every time a guy calls me cute? Every time someone glances in my direction?
I’m trying to bounce back from everything. I’m doing all that I can to take care of myself. I’m trying to move on. But I need to go at this thing hard.
I don’t know if it’s PTSD or not. But whatever it may be it is endangering my recovery from the Nightmare Syndrome. My recovery is something I have had to fight for. I was finally feeling better from everything and then I get sucker punched by circumstances. This will not stand!! I’ve come so far!! I won’t go back to being the person I was before all of this!
I’m devising plans on how to deal with everything. Once Monday hits I’m going on the offensive and giving this everything that I got. I need to get this thing under control before it escalates.
I will not be defeated!! My name is PenSwordAM because I’m not just a writer, but a warrior! So I’m going to fight! And for anyone whose endured sexual harassment, rape, domestic violence, or anything of the like, you all probably have it so much worse than I do. I wish I could help ease your pain. No one should ever have to go through something like this.
So fuck you Nasty Nate! Fuck you Stalker Boy! Fuck you Weinstein! Fuck you Cosby! Fuck you Louie C.K.! Fuck you Kevin Spacey! Fuck you Danny Masterson! Fuck you Jeffrey Tambor! FUCK every one of each and every single miserable piece of filth who hurt people in this way!! For making people feels this way!! If it were up to me they would all be completely destroyed!!
I need to stop here now. I’m going to come back from this, stronger than ever. Because I cannot be broken! I am beautiful, strong, wise, and good! I am a person, not a thing for someone’s personal amusement! You can keep the hits coming because I’ve learned to roll with the punches! Most importantly I can deal a hit a lot better than I can take one! I am a writer and I am a warrior!
I am PenSwordAM!!