A Moment of Weakness

So it looks like I still have stuff to write about when it comes to my “Nightmare Syndrome”. Oh boy oh boy! Nothing makes my life more complete than to talk nonstop about my mental health issues and the pitch black darkness of my mind!!!

Hahahahahahahahaha…..haha…ha….ha..*fights tears*

usagi cry

If that first paragraph hasn’t deterred you in anyway, great! If you’re turned off by it, turn away now.

The last couple of days have really tested me on both a mental and emotional level. I’ve literally been starving, being forced to ration my food because my loan and financial aid is taking forever to process. I’ve been real lethargic lately because of my Zoloft. I’m behind on my assignments, which are piling up. And as some of you may know I was sexually harassed last week too. I tried to bounce back from everything and continue with my work. Then something went wrong with an assignment. It was stuff that was out of my control, but it still really sucked.

I thought I was bouncing back from it all. On Friday I gave my professor an e-mail with evidence that supports why I couldn’t make my deadline. He’s being very understanding and he’s cutting me a break. He’s a very cool guy. That same day I went to go get my financial situation in order. I missed one thing that needed completing before my loan could get disbursed. I set up a meeting with someone to go get a notification to give to my professor.

So then yesterday I went to the Dean of Students office. I told the case manager everything she needed to know. I told her about the harassment that I went through. She asked me to tell her in detail and I did. After that meeting, something triggered in my head.

I was just walking through the hallways and I caught just sideways glance of my reflection and my mind went to the dark place. My “Nightmares” were acting up again. For the first time in several weeks. I didn’t miss them one bit.

I kept hearing in my mind, “I’m ugly, I’m gross, I’m filthy, I’m worthless”. I did everything I could to fight it off. But it ate me up for a huge chunk of yesterday. I felt stupid, weak, and ashamed. I knew in my head that there was no reason I should feel that way, but I just could not think rationally. I still feel so disgusted about what happened with Nasty Nate. Is this what it’s like for all those people who called out on Harvey Weinstein and the rest of them? Even though he didn’t lay a finger on me? I wasn’t even a person to him. I was just a thing for him to use so he could get off.

“I’m just a thing. Not a real person.” That also kept echoing in my mind. My nerves were acting up, I felt like I was getting triggered left and right, and I felt my energy drop to such low levels. I never thought I would be so happy to take my Zoloft when I got home. I went through the entire day without eating anything. Once I had something in my stomach I was able to calm down and start thinking a little more rationally.

I called my Mom and I told her everything that happened. She’s glad that I’m all right, but she was also mad that I didn’t say anything sooner. It’s been a full week since what happened. Even after I went on full blast with the post I had made and letting everyone on my Facebook know what happened there was this still this sense of shame. That shame made it hard to pick up the phone and tell my Mom what happened. I even thought that she would somehow minimize it or call me a crybaby or whatever.

So some pretty big lessons to take away from this.

  1. I am not invincible. I’m not depression proof. I am going to have my share of bad days and moments of weakness. Zoloft helps a lot, but I need to utilize other skills and tools that I can use when stuff like that happens.
  2. My personal pride has gotten in my way one too many times. It was pride that kept me from asking for food from the roommates or taking advantage of the food pantry services that are around town. Pride almost kept me from asking for help from the professor and others. I can’t be afraid to reach out for help anymore. Pride is almost got me killed in the first place.
  3. I am not ugly. I am not a thing. I am not disgusting. I am not worthless. Depression has and always will be a hatchet faced lying bitch troll from hell that lives with me and I have to deal with. Those lies pollute the mind and taint the soul. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s made me stronger. Pain can serve its purpose to become power.

I need to carry on with the rest of my day. I hope you all have great one. I’m gonna bounce back from things. Just like I always have. Those “Nightmares” have met their match with me.

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