Club Meds

Originally I was gonna title this “Pillhead” but I figured that’d be insensitive.

So Monday was D-Day for me. “D” as in “Doctor’s Appointment. I’ve been given my prescription for Zoloft. It’s only day three and I’ve already come to the conclusion that it kinda sucks. I’m already beginning to feel the side effects.

Can’t say that it comes as a shock. Doc did sit me through the side effects and instructions on how to properly use it. I knew this was a risk when I made the decision to go through with it. There’s no backing out now. I’m just surprised that it’s happening so soon. I’m only three days

I’ve already tried to white knuckle things for almost ten years now and now I can’t do that anymore. My knuckles are completely FUBAR. If I were a character in one of my whacky stories I would be bloodied all over and barely able to stand or hold anything. I’d be bed ridden, bandaged, and require constant nursing and monitoring.

Technically I’m already at that last part. My family is worried. My mom, my cousins, my aunties, everyone. My mom told me so during one of our last phone calls.

I’m only experiencing drowsiness so far. I felt it hit me in the middle of the day. I was able to power through it.

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This helped. I’ve been coloring a lot of pages lately. It’s mindfulness in practice. It allows me to keep the depression at bay. Just like my WWE game. Speaking of..

Booyah. Zoloft isn’t dulling my creative spark. Haha!!

This is the first time I’ve ever been medicated. It’s an adjustment. I will adapt. Drowsiness is the least of my worries as far as side-effects go. I will get past this. I am going to recover and I’m going to turn things around. Just like I’ve always had. Around this same time last year I was in a dark hole. I was able to crawl out of it that time. I can do the same thing again. I have to. My life is at stake here.

My primary goal is to get better. Everything else pales in comparison. I’m doing what is necessary to fight my depression and get better. I have to put myself first before everything else. When I think like that nothing else matters.

I can’t be afraid go through with anything just because of stupid side effects. I’m not suggesting I’m gonna power through all of them. No. If things get seriously bad I’ll call for help.

Yeah this drowsiness sucks. Feeling the pill get stuck at my throat like a rock pebble is irritating when it doesn’t go down with my food. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of experiencing other side effects. I’m just now wrapping my mind around all of this. I’m accepting the reality of it all. I’m not resisting anything anymore.

That’s all I got for now. I’m drowsy as fuck.

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Rewrite the Narrative

So Easter break has finished up. The dreaded G-Day is rapidly approaching. Oh yeah and I just finished a session with a counselor and there’s the doctor’s appointment on Monday to discuss medication.

My head has been in a whirlwind and I feel like I hurt everywhere. But I’m still finding ways to continue going forward.

I suffer from a lot of cognitive distortions. But I also hold on to a lot of misconceived notions of how things are supposed to be.

I came to App State wearing rose-colored glasses. Even though when I got my acceptance letter things weren’t that great. My experience here has been very mixed. To be perfectly honest it feels like the negative has outweighed the positive during my time here. But even until now I held on to this idea of how things are supposed to turn out or what my life is supposed to be like right now.

I should’ve been done with the college experience a long time ago. I should’ve met and married someone by now. I should already be world travelled. I should already be a best-selling author or at least have some cushy job. I should have all my dreams become a reality by now.

I’m only now remembering the first entry that I wrote last year. I started off by saying, “Well…that didn’t go as planned”.

There was a point where it looked like things were going to turn out exactly to my design. But somewhere along the way everything changed. I have no idea what caused this change. I don’t even know when, but it happened.

“Rewriting the narrative” was the theme of my latest session. It came up when we talked about graduation day and what it’s supposed to be about. Again, I said, “It feels more like survival. Not real success”.

I had a vision in my mind’s eye about the things that I wanted to happen. Things I was willing to work to make happen. But then they didn’t. All the negatives kept outweighing the positive and sapped away all energy that I could’ve poured in for effort.

Success in my mind’s eye meant that I would have plenty of things to brag about just like dumbass jug headed Mike Garrison. It meant being on the honor, being a straight A student, having jobs lined up, having the chance to study abroad, and having accumulated positive memories of college experience complete with adventure, laughter, friendships, and wild rabbit sex on days that end with “Y”.

Success in the real world after college is supposed to mean landing a dream job, paying off student debt and bills with relative ease, home ownership, raising a family, having a 9 to 5 job without any mental meltdowns or wanting to kill yourself, being a normal, productive, tax paying member of society who doesn’t have monsters and cosmic battles in his head on a daily basis. Where evil keeps winning, might I add. My place is a dangerous place to be these days.

I realized today that I have to let go what things are supposed to be like in my mind. I have to really let go. I want to keep believing that I have a fairy tale life ahead of me. I want to believe that I’ll find my “something better than this”. But in the mean time I have to accept the hard reality of some things. And I need change my idea of what success is for me. People that are similar to me are welcome to agree or disagree, but here I go.

-Success is a life of better mental health.
-Success is choosing to live even on days where you feel like dying.
-Success is putting forth effort in everything you do even when you feel like quitting.
-Success is pushing forward when your mind is in a whirlwind and you feel hurt everywhere.
-Success is collecting things and moments of beauty that bring light to a world that is filled with darkness, ugliness, and madness.
-Success is having people in your life that care about you. A lover, family, or close friend, human or animal.
-Success is being comfortable with yourself and having confidence in your skills, whatever they might be.
-Success is surviving your worst nightmares and living to tell the story about it.
-Success is being happy with you are and what you have going for yourself in life.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Maybe I’ll add to the list later. Until then, later days.

Feeling Sparky Again

It’s been a minute since I’ve last updated. This post is merely proof that I’m still alive. Also it’s an excuse to show this beautiful pro wrestler I completed with a new outfit.

Everything that’s happened to me before, everything that’s happening to me now, this is the fate I want so desperately to re-write. It’s why I took on the name “Pen” over my given name “Alex”.

I’m going to get better. I’m going to conquer my worse nightmares. I’m going to finally be happy. I’m going to live. I’m going to make up for all the times I’ve felt sad and made my loved ones worry about me. I’m going to give life everything I got without pulling anymore punches.

I will turn my pain into power and I will create the life I want. And I will get what I want through any means necessary.