This is a continuation of that little bomb I mentioned that’s inside of me. There was a lot of details I never got around to writing because my head went all kablooey on me. At first I felt something sitting at the pit of my stomach, but now I feel like there’s something that’s taken root inside of me. I feel it in the marrow of my bones.
This feeling isn’t anything negative at all. I think it’s something inside of me that’s been dormant until now. Somehow I’m tapping into it. It’s as if something is waking up inside of me. Another side of me that I’ve kept buried underneath everything.
As honest as I’ve been through my blogging, therapy, and everything else I’m beginning to think that I’ve put on a facade without realizing it. It’s like a mask is finally being ripped off and my true self is finally coming out to play. Up until now any semblance of my true thoughts and feelings have only come out in spurts. Much like my creativity.
That little burst in my last entry serves as a good example. Being an older student in a place like Boone means having to be surrounded by a bunch of younger people. Normally I wouldn’t let the age thing be an issue. If you’re cool then I’m cool. If we happen to like the same thing, awesome sauce. However it means having to deal with snowflakes on a daily basis. I can’t say or post shit without running the risk of offending anybody. I’m not even trying to offend anyone. I’m not trying to go to war with anyone. I’m just putting my shit out there.
Of course the snowflake thing isn’t exclusive to Boone. It’s everywhere. When I was younger and something offended me and I blew up about it I was told the following:
1.) “Aye hijo! Just ignore them!”
2.) “Get thicker skin man.”
3.) “Fuck them. Just do you.”
4.) “Brush that shit off and keep it moving.”
Despite my many flaws and depression I manage to do just that. If something hurts because of what someone says I embrace it, accept it, and move on.
Meanwhile everyone else has become oh-so-fragile. Everything is a slap in the face. I could blow a fart and they’d be blown all the way to Australia or whatever. And I’ve done nothing but be mindful of them at my own expense.
Now I’m not just talking about snowflakes. I’m talking about everybody that I’ve ever met. So many of them have operated under some double-standard bullshit. It’s okay for them to state their own thoughts, but then I get reamed whenever I even respectfully disagree. If there’s something I like someone has to shit on it but it’s not ever okay for me to do the same. It’s okay for people to insult, have a dark sense of humor, or being able to express themselves but it’s not okay for me. That’s all I’ve ever gotten out of people.
I thought I had gotten over the all the anger and hate that consumed me from long ago. But no…it’s still inside of me. And I don’t feel like fighting it anymore.
I am who I am. I like what I like. I can do and say whatever the hell I want and to hell with the consequences that come with it.
I don’t deal with slaps to the faces I deliver super kicks to the teeth.
The facade ends now. I’m ripping off this mask.
And now my head’s getting all kablooey again. I’m ending things here.