In the last few days I’ve had an uneasy feeling building up inside of me. At first I thought it was the usual anxiety, Nightmare Syndrome crap. But there’s something else underneath it all. While there’s bad stuff I feel something else. I think it might be something positive. I’m hoping it’s something positive. Maybe the best way to describe it is that it feels like there’s something powerful inside of me. It sitting at the pit of my stomach like a bomb waiting to go off.
Whatever it is I feel like it is overpowering the anxiety. I can hope that it’s something good. If not, then what else could it possibly be? If it’s killing off my “Nightmares” then how could it not be?
The stuff fueling the “dis-ease” comes from minor stuff anyhow. Like cutting it close to make the tuition payment. I know I’m not too late because I’ve been checking my student e-mail and there’s nothing unusual. Appalachian State may not be the most prestigious school, but they’d have alert me if something was up. I know this all too well from my past summer. See the post “Being Real” for a refresher.
The same type of shitty feelings from back then I was feeling. I was afraid like the Babadook or some other type of monster was going to appear, cut open my stomach, eat away at my innards, and leave no trace of meat left on my bones after spitting them out.
No e-mails that demand a meeting with Early Intervention Team, no notice on registration being cancelled, no financial or academic probation letters, and no warning to let me know that time is almost up. Nothing. So I should be comfortable knowing that I still have time. Right? Ideally yes. But there’s still something bugging me that I can’t quite put my finger on.
I talked to my Mom and cousin, Rebecca, about how nervous I feel about the future after graduation. I do still have that fear inside of me, but I don’t think that’s it either.
I’ve had nothing but time to get to know my Nightmare Syndrome and the things that make my brain switch between “Fight or Flight”. So whatever causing both the uneasiness, it’s something else entirely.
What’s caused this bomb to form inside of me, however, I can wager a guess. I had been meaning to write about this for awhile but I couldn’t find the proper words until now.
After my previous post from last week my moods kept shifting. I took some initiative and decided to cut some people out of my life. I’ve dramatically downsized my Facebook friend’s list. There were too many people that were there for decoration. Something that I thought had done something about after the Eclipse. But no, there were still a lot of people who never speak to me, never cared about me, and do nothing but heckle me. They had to go! I even deleted my roommates. I blocked everyone to really seal the deal.
I’m currently rummaging through other things that I no longer need. Basically it’s like I read through “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and ran with it. If something or someone doesn’t bring me joy anymore, it’s gotta go.
I’ve been creating a lot more things lately. Especially on my WWE game.
Made a lot of title belts. As you can see. Making an entire roster for my own fictional wrestling promotion and making other stuff too.
Of course I’ve also been doing the “look within yourself” type of stuff and realized a few things.
I’m sick of shit. I’m sick of other people’s shit. More so than usual. I’ve tried very hard to be mindful of people, their opinions, their way of live, their vices, their really shitty sense of humor, and overall put up with all manner of fuckery just to maintain some false sense of peace. At my own expense.
Well FUCK THAT. I’m not dealing with it anymore. All that’s done is tie me down! It’s kept me from showing everything that I can do! It’s caused me to say “I’m sorry” even when there is nothing that I should be apologizing for! And I’m done with it!
I deserve to be happy!!! I deserve to live as my true self without offering apology for shit that resulted in some stupid snowflakes getting their paper thin assholes hurt because of something I say or because I don’t agree with every fucking stupid thing that they stand for!!!
Oh boy….I’m losing it now…..
Has the bomb gone off inside of me? I dunno….
Might be a good idea to stop here because my thoughts are in a million puzzle pieces right now.