My Personal Wish List

Despite the latest post where I ranted about a shitty week I had I’m in a good place mentally and emotionally. I’m better than I’ve been in years. Instead of waisting away in what used to be my prison cell at the Cottages of Boone I’m in a place that I’m happy to call a home away from home and I’m enjoying the view of snowfall while listening to Utada Hikaru and filling up blank pages with whatever comes to mind.

I remember a year ago around this time how desperate I was for change, how badly I wanted things to be better than they were. Things are better for the most part, but I want more.

Some of the things I want I probably can’t reach yet until I’ve reached a higher level of self-love. But it’s all something to look forward to. Dreams aren’t as impossible to realize like they were before. The only real difference then and now is that I’m actually taking the steps required to attain those goals instead of waiting for the universe to work its magic into my life and lamenting on how powerless and hopeless I am to do anything.

I like my roommates and I like the friends I’ve managed to make in Boone, but I don’t feel like I can share everything with them. I can’t let them in completely. We see eye to eye on a lot of things, but there’s a lot of stuff I like that they can’t relate to.

I love video games, anime, movies, pro-wrestling, Japanese culture, writing, superhero shows like Garo, Kamen Rider, Ultraman, and Super Sentai.

Meanwhile what’s everyone else into? White hipster shit.

It doesn’t help that I live in a house full of people that are as white as can be. I come from a Venezuelan family so there’s shit I’m used to that I’ve seen all my life that makes everyone else go…

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It reminds me of the dumb looks I’d get from people at Walker Hall students. That’s where all the students majoring in communication, journalism, and some number crunching crap all congregate. It doesn’t matter what I’d say. I could be telling them my name, my favorite thing to eat, or what direction the bathroom is at and they look at me like this….

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Like some dumbass deer in headlights. I remember wanting to pluck out their eyes and squash them like grapes every time I’d get that look.

I broke my roommates coffee maker the other day. It was made of glass. It was close to where all the washed dishes were collected. I reached to grab something, it tipped over, and shattered in the sink. As soon as I told my roommate the first thing that came out of his mouth was…

“Oh no!! That cost $60!!”

Now it’s my turn to make a face like this…

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Because look at this shit!

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It’s big, it’s glass, and clearly its fragile as fuck. And he paid $60 for this tacky freak of nature? It looks like it belong in a mad scientist’s evil lair! Unless the coffee that thing makes cures cancer or bestows immortality to whoever drinks it I don’t see why anyone would want to pay good money for this.

Meanwhile I make my coffee with this…

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You know how much this thing cost me? It costs $12! No lie! It makes damn good coffee!! And does it look like it breaks easily? This little episode just made me go….

“Pfft!! White people…I swear….”

I put that on my Facebook and my female roommate put up the angry reaction emoji for it. Do I regret it? NOPE.

Getting back on point…here’s my wish list.

1. I want to be more comfortable around people so I can let them in.
2. I want to keep focusing on self-love. I want to get to the point where I can say, “I’d date me.”
3. I want to keep writing and ultimately make a real career out of it.
4. I want to graduate from App State.
5. I want to go back to enjoying cooking.
6. I want to go back to enjoying movies even if I don’t have someone to go to the theater with.
7. I want people that I can talk to about all the nerdy things I like so much.

I’ll work toward these goals just as I have worked with everything else.

Later days.

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Flash Flood of Anxiety

So it’s been a minute since I’ve written anything. I actually thought about quitting writing this blog because things aren’t what they used to be. I figure, “Well what’s the point? I’m gonna write about how blessed every part of my life is and just rub it in everyone’s faces?”

Well that’s no longer the case. This week was rough. It got off to a bad start when there was this freak thunderstorm that brought in all this heavy rain. It was horrible. Boone was practically flooded. School should’ve been cancelled that day. I had an instinct that told me to not go to my later classes, but then my female roommate was like, “Well you’re already here. You might as well go.”

Last time I ever go against my instincts again. My best jeans and sneakers were drenched. I had to walk around with soggy socks the whole day. People were stranded in school because bus routes were getting closed off. Water was seeping into other people’s apartments. And they still didn’t cancel classes. There wasn’t even an email that warned everyone about the bus routes getting closed off which, call me crazy, might seem like pretty good information to know when you’re living through The Perfect Storm! I was on my way to my last class of the day (which lasts from 5:00-6:15), I had just bought a decent sized umbrella, I had my bag closed up, I walked to class, and when I got in I found that my notebooks got wet while in the bag. That’s including the special notebook I have where I had been jotting down all my ideas during my big writing craze. I even had good drafts written in there. I was pissed!!!

My nerves started acting up. I wasn’t just pissed off. I was sad. I felt like the work I put into that book was lost to me somehow. Plus my laptop was in the bag to during that storm. It wasn’t wet and it works the same as ever (Thank God…), but if something had happened to it then things would’ve been worse. I have tons of drafts saved up in neat little folders. I had started writing a short story featuring one of my crushes from the WWE (Sami Zayn, in case anyone’s curious) and had managed to reach 9 pages with over 3000 words. That’s fucking biblical for me!! Especially after making a come back from writer’s block and the infamous Nightmare Syndrome.

I thought I was getting ready to have an emotional breakdown in the middle of class so I got up and excused myself to the restroom. I needed to collect myself, wash my face a little, and take deep breaths. Not 10 seconds after I stepped out into the hallway the clouds break apart and the sun is shining….AFTER the damage had been done. Now I’m even more pissed off!!

I wrote a Facebook status that read,

Dear Universe,

NOT FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

Sincerely,
Alex/Pen

After that I tried to Uber my way back home, but had no such luck. There were no drivers working on that particular night thanks to Mother Nature. At this point I’m convinced that Mother Nature was a hatchet faced bitch troll that looked like Anne Coulter. So I walked to the bus stop. I wait like 20 minutes in the cold, wet, dark night. The driver almost missed my stop. After that I had to walk back home. Let me further emphasize that it was dark, cold, and wet that night and I didn’t feel comfortable walking that particular night. Especially when there are no goddamn street lights put up around the neighborhood!! There aren’t even any sidewalks!! Oh but there’s plenty of assholes that love to speed through those streets like they own the town! I’m lucky I didn’t get run over. I was dead tired that night.

Mercifully the special notebook wasn’t beyond ruin. It’s totally salvageable. There was just a huge water stain that freaked me out when I saw it the first time that let me think that it had been completely ruined. I survived that day and the rest of the week was dry. It was cold, but dry.

My stress levels were rising. I had projects after project that needed to be worked on. Mountains of work with deadlines fast approaching. Sleep was scarce. I have coffee where my blood should be. That should paint an accurate picture of what my caffeine consumption has been like lately. I’m able to get them out of the way though. I’m even able to keep writing my stuff too.

My anxieties were spiking up too. It was the first time in a very long time that it had happened. And let me tell you something…I still don’t fucking like it!!
That shit with the professor I was crushing on doesn’t count. That pales in comparison. By the way I don’t remember mentioning this or not, but I’ll repeat myself. I’m over that motherfucker!! I was wrestling with my personal Babadook and other monsters living in my head. I was able to silence them, but I still feel this uneasiness nesting inside of me.

It doesn’t help that I’m trying my hardest to work on this feature article for that class I got an incomplete on. I was on a roll with my fiction writing. Now all of sudden I’m bamboozled and can’t fart out even one shitty sentence despite the fact that I went out of my way to do my interview, put it on a voice recorder, and got all the relevant information. It’s not even an epic article! My professor encouraged me to go after the low hanging fruit to write something. And I did! I’m writing about a noodle bar, for fuck’s sake!!

I will not lose my shit. I will not lose my shit. I will not lose my shit.
IwillnotmyshitIwillnotlosemyshitIwillnotlosemyshit….

I haven’t had to use that mantra in a while. I didn’t miss it.

I know I’m able to get through all this. I know I’m stronger than all this. I know that I’m not going to fall back to rock bottom again. In reality not everything was horrible.

The more I’ve written the more I feel like I’m lead back to my real self again. I’ve become more social with people. I’ve discovered that I’m actually funny, I like making people laugh. I’m allowing my hair to grow back which is proves to me that I’m at a point where I’m more comfortable with myself. I’m working on loving myself more and I’ve made progress.

I’m going to power through this last assignment, turn it in, get more of my fiction writing done, and then binge watch Stranger Things!

Signing off now!

Creative Binging

My creative mojo has hit a nuclear spike these last couple of weeks. I’ve been drafting nonstop for several different projects. I’ve been recluse to my own fantasy universe that comes with it’s own calendar (and the days in a year add up to 765), a whole new religion, a hierarchy of higher powers, monsters, superheroes, brand name products, planets, cities, and so much more. Oh and of course there’s the characters, their family trees, their great ancestors, and their many enemies.

There is a lot of chatter and noise building up in my head. It’s no wonder why most writers became alcoholics.

I’ve been going at this so hard that I felt like my braincells were catching fire. The humidity in Boone doesn’t help much either. I’m all over the place. There’s no organization to what I’m doing at all. But after being stuck with an endless dry spell of ideas and writer’s block built from my own insecurities I’m not worried about organizing anything. I’m just having fun creating one thing after another. I’m learning to respect the process in a way that I didn’t before. And I’m changing somehow.

Before I kept telling myself that I couldn’t be a halfway decent writer. I kept feeding myself a bunch of lies.

1. “My ideas aren’t good enough”
2. “There’s always someone better than me”
3. “I’m never going to be good enough.”

And the older I got the more I started thinking about how every story idea I’ve ever had had been put on the back shelf and I’m thinking, “Tick tock. Time’s running out on all your dreams.”

The more I write the more I feel like all the lies are becoming undone. All the negative thinking is being tossed out like garbage, all the damage that was done because of it is being restored, it’s like my brain is getting rewired or a complete reboot. I haven’t felt anything like this happen in years. The writing is healing me, it’s helping me make sense of the world, and it’s helping me do away with all my anxiety and depression.

Maybe the writing done here for the last couple of months has helped me in more ways than one. I started posting here so that I could better deal with everything that was going on in my head after being silent for so long. Now that things are better should I stop writing here?

Don’t know where that thought came from. It just popped in there. It’s too soon to decide anything drastic. For now I just want to keep the creativity going. I want to see where it takes me.

Until then, later days.

The Balance of Two Worlds

As a writer I feel myself caught between different realms of both reality and fiction. It doesn’t help that I’m in the more practical major of journalism when my first love is fiction writing. Then there’s also the fact that I’m always creating different stories with different people and not all of them happen to take place on Earth as we know it.

I’ve always struggled with establishing order between all of it. I always felt that if I preferred one over the other that there’d be a severe penalty to pay. But now it seems like that way of thing has been wrong. Just like when I had that negative mantra of “I’m not allowed to be happy.”

Its nice to be wrong sometimes. I’m starting to find my balance. I find myself able to traverse between the different worlds. I’m able to do what needs to be done in reality and write to my heart’s content just like all the other working writers that came before me.

I’ve been writing lot of drafts lately. It feels like the gears in my mind were stuck until now. This morning I went nuts with making the details on this story world I’ve been working on. It feels great.

Now back to reality…

I got my exam back from earlier this week. I crushed it!! I totally crushed it!! I have two incompletes recorded from spring semester, but now I have chance at making things right again. I spoke with both my professors. It’s more work put on my lap, but I can handle it. I’m not the same as I used to be. So it can be done.

I want to dive in and get back to my fiction, but right now there’s only so much I can do on an empty stomach. I need to eat something!

The Fox and the Blue Bird

Remember when I said that I get signs from the Universe? These signs will come to me in a variety of forms, but no matter what the form it takes it will always get my attention. It’s very rare when they come to me in my dreams (even with the Dream Man), but that’s what happened.

I dreamt that I saw a blue bird and a fox. They came to me in separate scenes. First I saw the blue bird. It’s entire body wasn’t blue, just its wings. But my my mind registered it as a “blue bird” even though the rest of it was black. I was in someone else’s backyard and there it was. It flew and landed on the ground before me.

A little bit after that I saw a fox. Again, I was in the backyard of someone else. I remember because I saw laundry being hung out to dry. I was sitting on this back porch and this fox just walked up to me. It stared at me for a while. And then it helped its way into the house since the backdoor was opened. Someone made a comment about the animal, but they weren’t worried about it coming in. It came out the backdoor almost as soon as it went in. I remember this fox was smiling at me. It smiled at me the same way my favorite dog Jewels would.

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As soon as I was able to wake up I went ahead and looked up what symbolism that they hold.

As far as the blue bird is concerned it’s a definite sign of happiness, a spiritual freedom, and psychological liberation. It coincides with some of my more recent posts. So I can’t ignore it. And I certainly cannot deny that I do feel better about a lot of things. I’ve been tight lipped about it. But I really do feel great. ev

But then there’s the fox. Generally the fox is supposed to represent a tricker. But then things got complicated when I kept seeing different scenarios involving a fox like, “If you dreamt that you killed a fox…” or “If you domesticated a fox…”

In this dream I wasn’t scared of the fox that I saw and the fox smiled at me like Jewels used to which makes me think that it was genuine. I honestly don’t know what to think of it. I’d prefer to not believe that there’s a trickster in my life or that there’s going to be one in the future. I’m just coming out of my shell here and getting past my trust issues. I don’t want to be suspicious of every person I come across now. That’d be like taking ten giant steps back when I’m finally making good steps forward.

Because I had a pleasant experience of looking at the fox then its supposed to mean that positive changes are afoot. I want to believe that this is true. The way things are going now even if there is a trickster somewhere in the foreseeable future he or she cannot undo all the good that’s happening right now unless there are something other than human.

So the better part of my day has revolved around trying to interpret this dream because evidently the Powers That Be seem to think that I’m some walking supernatural braintrust. Oh yeah and while I was waiting for the bus this morning I saw a butterfly for like the millionth time since last year. Except during this time last year the butterflies were dark colored and now they’re getting brighter colors. I keep getting a strange feeling overtime I see one.

Symbolism behind that revolved around resurrection, moving through different phases, transformation, and the world of the soul. “The world of the soul….” What, like the human unconscious? Great, then I’m officially living in the world of Persona then. Maybe I’ll become a Phantom Thief of Hearts. Wonder what my costume would be like? Or my Persona for that matter….

Nerd moment’s over!! Focus!! *slaps himself silly*

So yeah that’s happened. The signs have been very active this past year. Things started off bleak before, but if I’m reading these signs properly then things can only get better from this point on. That’s all fine and dandy, but that doesn’t change the fact that every time I get these signs I’m always left confused trying to make sense of it all.

I guess I’m supposed to just walk on faith and risk total annihilation. I’m just afraid that if I interpret things in the wrong way then…I’ll be punished somehow, all the progress I’ve made will become undone. I’ve had this irrational fear before. Maybe this is all so I can conquer it. I can rule out the “Dream Man” coming to find me. If I start thinking about stuff like that now then it goes against what I had posted over the weekend. I still need to focus on me. I need to focus on loving myself more. I need to get to the point where I can say, “Hey! I’d date me!”

It’d be so much easier if I had some kinda guide for all this. *eyes roll* But nooooooooo…..

Anyway that’s it for now. I’ll figure something out. Someway, somehow.