I came home to the Nest and turned on Netflix. For whatever reason I have Neo Yokio episode 3 playing in the background as I write. Even though I think this show sucks…
This is such a weeaboo show. And I don’t know whose acting is more atrocious, Jaden Smith or Tavi Gevinson. Tavi sounds way too old to be playing a teenager and she’s only 21 years old in real life. And the main character played by Jaden is just not relatable at all. The same goes for all his friends.
More importantly, were Susan Sarandon and Jude Law extremely bored between projects or did they owe someone money? I have to assume the latter because why else would they get themselves involved with hot garbage like this?
And why the actual and existing fuck do I have this shit playing when I know how abysmally bad it is? To give myself something write about? It helps. To serve as some distraction from my usual neurosis and yesterday’s shit storm? Again, it helps.
Okay I’m done ranting now. I’m honestly still reeling from yesterday even though I told myself, “I’m not going to obsess. I’m not going to obsess.”
Even right now while I type I’m fighting off the thoughts of yesterday like I would with my “Nightmare Syndrome”. My roommates read yesterday’s post and they tried to do the supportive thing. Something I’m not quite used to. All these years of being a social leper has messed me up in more ways than one. I appreciated the hug and the effort to try to make me feel better, but now I’m starting to wonder how much I suck at dealing with people in reality.
I don’t know how to be around people like I used to be. Just when I think I can go back to being the person that I was before Boone I get the rug pulled from under my feet. I feel like I’m back to my formative years. I have to start from scratch all over again. I don’t think or feel the same way like I used to. I’m this warped version of myself that I barely recognize. And it really doesn’t help that memories from the past keep coming back like when I wrote about that old friend of mine.
Maybe this is the part where I’m supposed to just give up on the idea of going back to who I was. Maybe this is the part where I have to let go. I don’t even know if this is the first I’ve said anything like this here, but even if it were it already feels like a dead issue. I am working my way up. I am changing. It’s just time to make peace with the reality of some shit. Because the more I mope about the past the more it comes across as self-torture.
Maybe then I can finally let go of the other stuff that’s in the past. The suicide attempt, the failed relationships, all the mistakes I’ve made, every stupid thing I’ve ever said or done, all the times I’ve felt myself hit rock bottom. God, that’d be liberating as fuck.
There was a point where I tried that. But then when I got the rejection letter from App State I somehow convinced myself that it was punishment for thinking that I could put everything behind me and just forget about it, that I could finally stop talking about it.
Then when I did open up about it, I told the wrong people about it. Remember that post I made about the guy I turned down for a coffee date? The one who loved to pounce on people in reality or on social media? One of the so called “Mean Girls”?
Well he and his friends kept calling me an attention whore. Minimized everything that I said. Didn’t want to understand that talking about it was not about seeking attention but it was supposed to be helpful to me. Helpful by being open about things. I felt like they had put a gag order on me. Like my voice was taken from me. Those people are out of my life now and I don’t miss them even a little bit. In fact, my blood still boils at the thought of them laughing about anything because it’s usually at the expense of someone else.
Now here I am on WordPress. Over 50 posts, 200 likes, and lots of followers. Now I have a voice. Now I’m able to write fiction for the first time in forever. I’m finally able to write for myself without fear or judgement. Where am I gonna go with all this? I won’t know if I stay where I’m at now.