FML

So I finished my first summer session on a positive note and I was like, “Yeah!! You can’t my kill my chill!”

So I figured that things can only get better from there. After all one of the things I’ve been trying to do lately is to get the idea of “I’m not allowed to be happy” out of my head.

I had to file for an appeal with the financial aid office before I left home for the brief break. They wanted documentation that I was getting help for my problems with my appeal form. So I did all that. I turned it in on the morning of my final exams. Then when I get back I get the news that my appeal has been approved. Naturally I jump to my student page and get ready to accept the awards offered. I do all this only to find out….there’s nothing there.

So I go to the office to ask what went wrong. I didn’t miss anything. I spoke with someone different who provided me with new information. Turns out that there’s nothing offered to me in the summer now because my loans were maxed out during an earlier semester. Something that the women I spoken with before never mentioned at all because I spoke with her about a separate issue. It’s going to be like this until the fall starts up. Provided that I sign on for an appeal again.

So now I’m forced to apply for a loan outside of school. I’m pissed about what I found out at the office, but I powered through it and applied for that loan online. I even get my mom to cosign for me. I already get the news that I’m approved. There’s nothing else for me to do except wait for the school to give it certification, whatever that means.

But of course none of this is good enough for my mom. Nope. Suddenly she’s flooding me with new questions. The loan I applied for was to pay back my mom for paying the tuition. That’s all I’ve been wanting to do since this summer started. But now she’s asking, “What about your rent money?” “What about food?”

She’s asking me questions that I already gave to her before I even signed on for that stupid loan. I told her, “Financial aid can’t give me anymore money until the fall starts up.” “The loans were maxed out.” She had no problems understanding any of this the first time I said this to her now she’s confused. So I’m on the phone with her and feeling attacked that all the work I’ve been putting into this hasn’t been good enough. Now I’m pissed at her.

I have five days until I move into the new house. Three weeks before this summer session ends which is the time I’ll need for that new appeal. I currently have like $28 in my name, a scarce food supply, two classes to juggle, no friends in Boone, but tons of stress. Perpetual, mind numbing, soul crushing stress.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve had even a little bit of peace. Just when I think I’m making progress and I’ve hit a break I keep hitting a new wall that obstructs me or a new wave of emotions and thoughts that keep trying to crush and consume me. Just thinking about everything makes me want to ditch class just so I can take a 12 hour nap. But now if I go ahead and call a personal day just to recharge my batteries then I’m repeating the same thing that I would do when my depression is at it’s worst. I’d be doing the very thing that put me into this mess in the first place. Only reason I’m even able to take the time to write this now is because my professor cancelled this morning class.

At first I thought I was just pissed off at my Mom and her constant questioning. Now its everything. I’m getting triggered again. I let the Universe know my true intentions and I follow through with actions. I put in all this work, I’m snapping out of this depressing funk, but it feels like nothing I say or do is good ever good enough for anyone.

What sucks even more is that I have nothing else to do except to go forward, knowing fully well that things won’t get any easier. I need some time to think.

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