Three days into the summer semester and so far, so good. It doesn’t look like any teacher wants to have me skinned or eaten. I spoke with the EIT and everything’s good. I’ve already got my first counseling appointment tomorrow morning. I wasn’t nervous before. But not for some reason I am. I’m keeping myself calm because the last thing I want right now is to have another crap attack like last week.
At least the people at EIT were cool. Oh yeah and it turns out that I’m not on academic probation after all. See, the letter that was sent to my home was really a warning letter, letting me know that I’m dangerously close to probation status. My mom was the one who opened up and read the letter before me. She said that I was on it already. She misunderstood. Does that make things any better? Just a little bit. There’s still an added challenge to overcome. I have to pick myself back up and turn everything around. That much hasn’t changed.
The stuff that has me on edge is stuff that’s pretty minor, but I can still feel the build up inside of me. No matter how much time has passed my depression and anxiety will never stop being so damn strange and frustrating. It’s like everything around me wants to start up a volcanic eruption inside of me. And when I say volcanic eruption I’m talking Pompeii. Only difference is that instead of blowing up lava there’s just painful stomach knots, joints aching, constant holding back of tears, keeping myself from saying the wrong or stupidest things, or doing something that will add to an already long existing list of problems. Oh yeah and the wounded self-image. Let’s not forget that. That’s like the chocolate sprinkles on top of your anxiety sundae.
Yesterday when I spoke with the EIT and the people at the counseling office I was already feeling better. I actually thought for a moment that there’s nothing wrong with me after all. That I was just being foolish. I felt so much lighter. Until today, I come back from classes and then boom!
Now I’m nervous about tomorrow’s session when I know I shouldn’t be. I’ve been down this road before. I know how it works! Confidentiality, sessions recorded for studies, and all that other stuff that’s covered during consultation. I know the drill!
Now I’m afraid that I’m going to fail at everything I set out to do from getting through my classes, moving into this new house, and continue to be this stupid burden to my Mom who is always stuck.
Now I’m afraid that I will be left with nothing. No bachelor’s degree, no career, no money, no place to live, no food to eat, no lover to call my own, no end to my struggles, no bright future, no happy ending.
I’m feeling all this when nothing has happened. It’s like I’m waiting for a life sentence or an execution. Fucking ridiculous. I thought I had rose above feeling depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I thought I had grown from my past experiences. I thought I was stronger than this. But there are times where it feels like I’m stuck. As if I never truly grew or moved on which makes no sense.
I’ll be all right. I think what I needed right now was to just acknowledge the unease before trying to power through it. Let it pass through me like a crashing wave and then move forward from there. Right now that’s all I can do. Taking a deep breath, walking on faith, and getting ready to do what I have to do.
I will keep going forward. Even if I’m hurt, scared, or alone.